Clownbaby

My family and I are so tired of mother's addiction. She was hospitalized for the effects of drinking only a few months ago, but her habits have escalated once again. She has refused to admit she has a serious problem & has not asked for or accepted help. We are all currently writing her letters to give her a glimpse of our worries and feelings that are so often damaged by her affliction. We have pics to include in the package of letters: pics of us(the family she is hurting) & pics of her passed out drunk at work or on the floor with wet pants What do you say? Is this even a good idea. I just talked to her on the phone and she sounded "ok". I don't want to hurt our relationship. I guess I would like to know what the "do's" and "don't's" are of intervention letters. We won't be giving it to her anytime soon, so please, inform me thanks all-

Taking5

I am not a professional interventionist but I love it especially the pics. There does have to be consequences if she doesn't get help. What are those consequences going to be?

Mango blast

I think these letters are very good for you and your family members. I would suggest that each of you keep your letter in a place that is special. Honor that. Let it be your motivation to work on your own recovery individually. Alcoholism effects all of us in so many ways, and many of them aren't seen until we start getting help for ourselves. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and counselors who deal with addiction are very good places to start. What surprised me most were the numerous good people I met. They understand this. They've been there. Maybe letters and photos would work for some, I would just be concerned that at this stage, it'd be best to have a professional lead it and do it in person. Work through things well ahead of time together.

Are you hoping to get her into rehab? Will she be able to pay for it? Getting her to detox and into rehab is only the start. Things really get interesting when alcohol is no longer involved, let alone when rehab is over and living back in the real world. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) can last for a year or longer. If she agrees to treatment, it's still fully up to her to manage her own recovery or not. If she refuses treatment, there's really nothing at all that can be done other than to continue with your own recovery.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

Mango blast

Maybe the tips here would help, especially in the way to approach the letters and more info to think about.
Convincing a Friend, Husband, Wife, or Family Member to Go to Drug Rehab or Seek Addiction Treatment - Spiritual River

FeelingGreat

Coleiope, it could be a wake up call for her, or it might send her the other way, defiant. It's impossible to say.
Others on this forum have said you shouldn't have an intervention without professional help, and that makes sense to me because it's a face to face scenario. Were you planning to just give her the letters to read on her own, or read them to her, or be there while she reads them? If she's on her own, what would be your plan to follow up?

Clownbaby

Wow, everyone thank you all for input you've offered. Let's see if I can figure out how to respond to everyone...

Clownbaby

I didn't write consequences in my letter, but I will include some. My husband did include that "we can no longer continue down the road with her" but that's kinda vague. Thanks.

Clownbaby

I don't know how to schedule an actual intervention in our town, like how much it would cost or where we would find a professional. Yes, we planned on her reading them privately. She won't even talk about her drinking habits. She won't own it. She could very well get severely defensive and angry.

Clownbaby

Keepingthefaith,
Sorry, I wrote you a long reply, but it wouldn't go through and it was deleted!! Arg, so to sum up the reply that no longer exists: she probably won't go to rehab, I don't think she could afford to. Her ins. Offers free counseling, so hopefully she will take advantage of that. I think she wants to get better, but she's scared and doesn't think she can quit.
Writing the letter was extremely cathartic. I am afraid to give it to here though. Thank you for all the great info!

atalose

Personally I think an intervention should be done face to face not with a box of letters and pictures.

Consequences need to be discussed by each of you and to understand exactly what they are and more importantly if you/they will be able to carry them out.

And that is what it comes down to……….say what you mean………….mean what you say.

Mango blast

For right now, I would really suggest keeping the letters for yourselves, going to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, learn much more about the disease and work your own programs.

There is something integral about that. As we learn about the disease and start on our own changes, then changes in our relationship come about in GOOD ways. STRONG ways. We can't force change or even awareness in those we love, but with working our recovery programs for ourselves, change comes. This isn't on a set timeline. You may not even think the meetings are effective, but keep going to at least 6 or more. Find different groups if you really don't like the one you try first. Starting is the hardest point.

The boundaries and consequences I first came up with have changed as I changed. It's been really good to work that out within me instead of constantly switching up with my A what my boundaries are now. It's fine to change them and we have that right, it's just really good if you're willing to work a program for yourself first, to figure out what those might be.

Danae

If you do decide to give her the letters, keep a xeroxed copy for yourself as reference. That way if she distorts the message, you'll be able to look and know exactly what you did and didn't say.

Clownbaby

Thank you. My mother and I are the type of people who have a hard time verbally discussing our "issues"...feelings and such. We have always had a friendly relationship, avoiding conflict at all costs. Others in my family are the brutally honest-tough-love type who are angry and tired of saying the same old stuff to her. We thought it would be best to neutralize the situation by letters, but I will certainly look into professional help before we deliver.

Clownbaby

Good tip!! Thank you

zoelu

Coleiope, is there an addiction recovery / rehabilitation center near you? There are a few near me and some of them offer free intervention learning sessions for families of addicts. This doesn't have to be a stand-alone rehab center- some hospitals or community centers have complete departments dedicated to this that aren't advertised nearly as well as they should be. In fact, the closest one to me that offers these services is located in a general hospital.

If you are unsure of where to look, a good therapist can help you find resources (as well as help calm your nerves and offer suggestions).

The learning sessions are basically a how-to for interventions that include an overview of what you might expect and a general q&a at the end. After the session, intervention counselors are on-hand to answer questions about your specific situation (in a private setting), help you determine if her insurance would cover rehabilitation (and, specifically, what kinds of rehab), and they can help set up a date and time for intake. Meaning, if you know you are going to do an intervention on Friday at noon, they can pencil in a window for say, Friday afternoon, to potentially expect your mother should she agree to therapy. In some cases, they can even schedule a professional therapist to come help with the intervention- I do not know if this piece of the puzzle is free.

If one of these services is not available in your area, again, a therapist is a great ally. Even if one is not covered by her insurance, one could be covered for you under your insurance to help you work through this.

Clownbaby

I will look into treatment centers in her area. The tricky part is avoiding the Hospital, because she's employed by the local hospital. Her insurance offers free counseling through the hospital, but I don't think she would even go to that because she's afraid to be seen under those circumstances. I will call the local mental health center, they used to subsidize their costs. Thank you for helping

DoubleDragons

My mother is an alcoholic and I have been brutally honest with her, telling her that she is essentially killing herself. She agrees with me, but holds on to her drinking at all costs. I had to bar her from a musical my daughter was performing in because my mother was drunk that morning and it was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. I have shown her my boundaries so she hides her drinking from me as much as she can, but I know if she doesn't get help she will probably die from alcoholism. I have come to terms with that, albeit very sadly. I just don't believe any alcoholic will get help until they decide the life they are leading has to change. I think the only way to help them come to that conclusion is to keep firm boundaries, make them live the consequences of their drunkenness and leave the rest up to faith. I am not a believer that interventions work, unless the alcoholic is at their personal bottom and is looking for help for themselves.

Clownbaby

I feel like that's where we are with my mom. She seems to think that since her parents and siblings are functioning alcoholics, she can be too, but she has been hospitalized multiple times and calls in sick to work ALL THE TIME and sleeps all day my sister is a teenager which makes matters worse. When my sister leaves for collage she's probably going to die...literally.

Clownbaby

DoubleDragons....about the musical..I am so sorry that you have to go through that crap too. I am the first person in my family on my mom's side who's earned a bachelors degree...and my mom was too hungover to come to the ceremony. I know how you feel. So disappointing.

Recovering2

I would think long and hard about the purpose of the letters. What is it you are trying to accomplish? What do you want the outcome to be? There is an excellent chance you won't get the outcome you desire, then what?
I looked into a professional intervention when my RABF was actively drinking. They are not cheap. And there are definite rules/boundaries with an intervention of any sort. Usually a rehab facility has been lined up, if the A agrees then they go that day. Each person who is involved has to be specific as to the consequences if the A chooses to not seek help. And you have to be sure family isn't going to back down on what they say. When you tell an A a consequence, then you back down, the A learns you don't mean what you say.
You said the letter was cathartic for you. That may be the real purpose of the letter. For you to get your feelings out about this situation. I would maybe think about keeping the letter for yourself, to remind you of what YOU need to do moving forward. Find an AlAnon group near you. Seek support there, and learn everything you can. When you become able to set boundaries and lovingly detach from your Mom's behaviors, your life will get better. And she will notice.