Thinking

My XABF has applied for a place in a rehab clinic. He has struggled and wobbled but finally gathered together all the paperwork they asked for. Now he is waiting for them to phone him when there is a free bed.

While he's been doing that, I've been following my friends advice and going out at weekends, putting my life back together and trying to forget him. I even agreed to go on a blind date that one of my friends sorted.

But what I want is to wait for my ABF to sort himself out. I miss him so much. Am I being very stupid?

Spinach

No, but maybe it's your absence that's been the final push. Was he always at odds with the drink or was that later?
I'm no couples counsellor but I do know his journey will need him to be himself .
How are you keeping up with your new life?
John.

honeypig

Well, this is quite frank and blunt--! No, I don't think you're being stupid, but perhaps you are being a bit unrealistic. Not in the sense that he can't get sober and start recovery, b/c that is certainly possible, but in the sense of believing that if only he stops drinking, all will be well.

And you know what? I think every single one of us came here thinking "if only he/she would stop drinking--man, life would be perfect!" I know I surely did. The more I read here, the more I attended Alanon, the more I came to understand that there were TWO of us in this relationship, and we are both part of the problem. I need to clean up "my side of the street" equally as much as he needs to clean up his.

So, what have you been able to do for you? Have you been able to attend Alanon? Have you done a lot of reading here? Have you checked out "Codependent No More", as is often recommended? The standard advice is to not re-start a relationship until you've seen at least a year of good solid recovery. That gives you time to work on yourself and him time to work on himself. I think that's good advice and hope you'll consider it.

Thinking

It's strange how I can read other people's stories and see good suggestions for them. I even 'know' the right things that I should be doing. It's just that my heart and my head don't agree. I keep holding on to the hope that this man I love and who has been wonderful to me in more ways than he has been difficult will get 'fixed'. Then I read all the information here and stories and think that I'm kidding myself and I should run away as far as I can. So why can't I bring myself to do that?

I'm going through the motions of starting again. I just don't have any enthusiasm for doing it. Every time something good happens, I want to tell my XABF and then I remember that I shouldn't contact him and the sparkle goes out of it.

My XABF got sick a couple of months ago due to his drinking. Before that he was functioning well and there were no obvious issues over drink. It took him some weeks to accept that he was dependent on drink. Since then he promised to seek help and cut down on drinking. There seemed to be too much delaying and too many excuses for inaction so I told him we were over.

Thinking

Thanks for the advice. All of you here are helping me so much. I've learnt a lot about how I think which I hadn't realised before. I think I have read nearly every page on this section of the forum now! Learning patience while I heal is the hardest thing of all.

honeypig

Thinking, I am right there with you! You've read about the 3 C's, now let me introduce you to the 3 A's. They are Awareness, Acceptance and Action. It's really common for us to skip that middle A--we become Aware of a problem and right away we want to leap into Action!

The Acceptance part is really important. We need to just rest in the moment, take a pause to clearly see the issue and accept it for what it really is, and then decide what to do--or maybe decide to do nothing at all, b/c that is always an option too!

Taking that pause, not acting instantly, has changed my life so much for the better in the past year. Tough to do at first but so very freeing once you realize it's OK to take your time...

Sorry, don't mean to hijack--back to the original topic!

AnvilheadII

sorting himself out is going to take a LONG time. rehab isn't a cure. in fact he isn't even IN rehab yet. and it may or may not take. he needs time....and so do you!