Fear
 

I know this is a touchy subject but I wanted to ask how everyone else deals with fear especially when it comes to the A in their lives. My AH has been very up and down lately and sleeping during the day(which I attribute to depression) and then sleeping in in the AM, etc. He just seems off. He's out of town until later today, just left last night for a quick trip but something in my gut was nudging me to check his prescription pill bottles, which I've never done before.

He takes Strattera, Paxil, and Ambien. All pills were prescribed for a 90 day time period. I counted the pills because, well I'm codependent, and because I could tell just by looking at the bottles that there were an uneven number of certain pills. He has 50 Paxil pills vs only 11 Ambien pills left, and 19 Strattera.

I know better than to confront an A about this kind of stuff because I already know how they will make up stories, blow you off, etc. Also, I know he keeps some pills in a travel container in his laptop bag so I don't know how many are there, either. It just seems like something is up.

I know that more will be revealed, I know to mind my own business, etc but when fear creeps in and you worry that he will be found dead of an overdose, that's when I get all crazy in the head. I guess I sometimes forget that he takes these meds mainly because he doesn't drink everyday and I don't sit there and pay attention to how much he's taking or when he's taking them, etc. I just needed to share my fear somewhere. All of my Al Anon friends are at work and I am actually going in to my therapist this afternoon, thank goodness. I just hate how I feel when fear creeps in: the sick to my stomach feeling, the anxiety, the lightheadedness....blech.

Liz, did you decide to stick around with your A? I know you were planning on leaving for awhile.

Zen Florence says that as an addict, your AH is going to abuse every drug at his disposal, including the prescription drugs. Accepting this is the end of your fear. Addiction is by definition compulsive and catastrophic. This is the line he's riding, and if you choose to stay with him, you as well.

I don't have any advice here. I left my STBXAH in part because I couldn't handle living like this and it was encroaching on all other areas of my life.

Sending all my peace and love.

Hi Liz..I have fears too, fears that change with the changes of my AH. Whether the change is positive or negative doesn't seem to matter where my fears are concerned. I saw my therapist today also and I shared my current fear of 'what if'. I have no control over any 'what if's' that may crop up in my mind as I worry about things that haven't even happened, at least not happened that I know of. I can't worry about the outcome of an imaginary what if either. That doesn't mean that we put blinders back on either. We can still be aware without giving in to the what if's. She told me to just live in this moment without thought of what might be. To enjoy my AH and allow myself to enjoy him when things are good while not dwelling on if it will last or not.
I've been trying to put that in to practice today by focusing on what Im doing at the moment. There will always be a chance of AH's relapse and I can't change that, including him getting another DUI, or who knows what else, but its a what if and doesn't deserve my focus and I don't deserve to give myself such anxiety over that thought. Better said than done..hope that helps. HUGS!

The only thing that ever calms my fears is accepting that things are the way they are and will be whatever they will whether I invest that energy in it or not. I can only control me.

I saw that my AH was a disaster, and like Florence, my life was becoming a disaster by being too closely linked to his. I came to a point where I realized that I could not save him and that I didn't want to be there when it all blew up because of how much more damaged I would be by the exposure.

I accepted that I could not save him. I could only save myself, so I did that.

Well, I am not very sucsessful at controlling my emotions when I am in a fearful state. So I dont have much to offer. But I know that you know that you cant control him... Sorry liz... fear and worry suck!

Fear made me step up my recovery work.
Because that kind of fear -- for me it was "will he kill himself if I leave" -- only means your focus is still on him and not on you.

Like Sparklekitty said -- it was only when I could accept that he would do whatever he was going to do whether or not I tried to control it that my fears subsided.

Liz, I had a very helpful conversation with an Al Anon friend a couple of years ago, when I was early in my recovery. My issue was balancing minding my own business and staying detached and staying on my side of the street, with my right to know the truth about certain critical issues that would have been determinative in whether I left my AH at that time (that is, was he cheating on me). After a good long talk, I reached a conclusion that at that point, I had decided that the alcohol addiction/abuse was not enough to make me leave my AH at that time. Any snooping or checking around about how much my AH was drinking, or under what circumstances, was just straight up unhealthy for me. And for me, about 98% of the snooping I was doing was related to me wanting to "prove" that I was "right" about the drinking, about being lied to, etc. But I also came to appreciate that if I learned that my AH was cheating on me, I would leave him immediately. So my Al Anon friend and I had a very practical, helpful conversation about keeping my "cheating radar" on, and not being afraid to follow up on something that was primarily evidence of cheating. In the end, with a lot of "two steps forward, one step back" progress, after about a year I had stopped virtually all of my snooping. I stopped, largely because I realized that the overwhelming majority of my snooping was not about following up on legitimate, real concerns of cheating, and because the snooping was causing me very serious physical distress. Rapid heart rate. Significant stress. Upset stomach. It just wasn't worth it anymore, and I came to understand that I honestly don't need proof of anything. At first, the proof didn't matter because I had decided I wasn't ready to leave (barring infidelity). Later, the proof didn't matter, because I became more comfortable with my feelings and didn't feel the need to justify them to myself or to others with "hard evidence." I don't have proof that my AH has cheated on me, but that no longer mattered. Obviously, if I was confronted with evidence that he is cheating, my feelings haven't changed: I would leave. But on a deeper level, as I have become more comfortable with the idea of leaving in general, I find that I don't need "proof" that I am "right."

I know I'm right. I know my feelings are valid and justified. I know that I have every right to want to leave my husband. And that's enough for me.

I sense that you have decided to stay in the marriage for now. And that is fine. Would abuse of prescription drugs (which, I agree, is par for the course with an addict, who will likely abuse whatever drugs he/she can if they are readily available) change your mind? Are you SURE abuse of prescription drugs would change your mind? If you have set a boundary about that, and are fully prepared to follow through with the consequences of crossing the boundary (i.e., leaving your AH), then I would say it might be worth the absolute minimum amount of investigation to determine if he is abusing the prescriptions.

But if this is just to be another thing for you to fret and worry about, but that will not spur you to action in your own life...another thing for you to WISH you could control, but can't...then I agree with other posters and try to bring your focus back to yourself, and your own recovery.

((HUGS)) to you, my friend.

Well I am suffering right now with codie triggers. My T told me I had to get angry at RAH. I have no idea how to get angry, so I am freaking out instead.

Meditate - my latest is Tibetan singing drums on youtube!
Run - I am a turtle, but I do it mostly to clear my head
Bite the heads off animal crackers and throw the carcass to my dogs.
Eat popcorn one kernel at a time. Throw handfuls to the dogs.
Let go and let God mantra in my little codie head.
Look at myself in the mirror and tell myself it is going to be OK.
Plan a trip without RAH - you probably need a break.
Pray if you have a HP.
Read daily postings here on SR for Language of Letting Go & Courage to Change

I hope you can tamp it down. It is hard sometimes.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way Liz and I don't blame you.

Just gotta look at it from the same standpoint of alcohol. Can't control that and can't control this. Stop counting the pills. When the fear creeps in let go and let HP take the burden off you. Don't let your mind wander to bad places.

Hope you feel better after therapy today.

Oh Liz, i sympathize with you! I too have counted pills. I'm not proud of it, but I felt I had to do it at the time. Ya know, it did nothing for me but exacerbate my anxiety. Sigh...

I'm still not very good and controlling my fear and anxiety, but some of the things I do are

-Recite the 3 Cs
-Call a friend and talk about anything but AH and I.
-Go for a walk.
-Practice pilates.
-Take a nap.
-Snuggle my cat. (even if he hates it!)
-Remind myself that his problems are his problems, my problem is me.

Fear is really tough stuff. Hang in there!

I LOVE this!!! Guess I'll have to get a dog now....

I don't know about your AH but my AW quit drinking for a year or more. Turned out she was using Ambien as a replacement. Ambien should never be taken with alcohol. She got to the point where she would take 4 at a time. Of course her doctor would alway give her a refill.

Your friend,

Love the whole post, CodeJob, but I really love this.. hahaha... wow, can I relate.

Liz, I totally get where you are coming from. Byron Katie helps me a lot with projecting--my projections are a lot like yours--all the what-ifs.

I have to say, though, I am better than I used to be at that. One thing that's great for me is the fact that I travel for business. Boy, when you can't wait to go on the road and work because it's so less stressful than being at home with an A, you do have to think about that.

Point is, the clearing your head thing is very important. And listening to people who have a handle on reality is another really important thing. My DS and new DDIL are living with us for a short amount of time and it took hardly any time at all for DDIL to grasp the situation. Whenever that happens, that is--when other people see things that I know but deny, it snaps me back to where I should be in my head.

So in terms of your question.. I would suggest reading Byron Katie, and also just getting away from the situation as often as you can. I am starting to feel that the toxic atmosphere in my home is like carbon monoxide poisoning. I can go to my office and shut the door, but it's hard to escape it.

I was wondering about that, but it's obviously all speculation. Since he binge drinks and probably can go 2 weeks at a time without drinking, I wonder if the Ambien is a replacement for the alcohol.

I just met with my therapist and she believes that I need to tell him that I'm noticing these changes in behavior and that I'm worried about him, whether or not he cares to hear it or not. She also suggested that I tell his psychiatrist that he is drinking and taking these meds and that it is concerning. She said I need to see it as an act of caring about what happens to another human being, not seeing it as a codependent 'thing' where I jump in trying to fix it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do: especially since this is all speculation. I do know that my AH is depressed despite being on meds, and since he had a LOT of Paxil left, I again wonder if he's just not taking it and that these medication 'adjustments' he's doing is contributing to an imbalance in his psyche. Honestly, I think these things are important to know mainly because of how the courts would see these things in the future, if I leave or file.

I am going to a meeting tonight. Man, I think I need one. I understand all about not being able to control someone but even if we lived apart and were divorced, he'd still be a part of my son's life and his actions will still affect us. That's just the reality of being involved with someone who is an A. I get that, yet I still get wrapped up in worry.

For now, I can't jump to any conclusions. Also, my T suggested that I write out my concerns to AH, sending it via email, so that I have it documented even if he doesn't respond.

:( Sorry you're feeling like this. Last weekend I had fear about when my RAH, would relapse...it was just my brain slipping back into old, unhealthy ways of thinking. I had to remind myself that there is NOTHING I can do. He is going to relapse, not relapse, die in a car crash, whatever no matter how much worrying, intervening, coaxing I do to try to get *my* desired outcome for him.

Try to focus on the right now. If you're legit concerned that he's going to do something stupid like OD or get into a car crash, then make sure you have life insurance because that's about the extent of healthy, normal worrying that you can do. Any choices that he makes are HIS. If he's taking pills in a manner other than what was prescribed, you cannot do anything about it. Focus on you and your kids. It makes life much simpler and more enjoyable. :)

LOL, I actually do this! Seriously, except I use Goldfish crackers and I eat the heads and feed the tails to the dog!

Just wanted to let everyone know that he came home in one piece, seems perfectly normal and is planning on going to the club to play tennis with a friend tonight. I am taking son to a yoga class today as he needs some stretching. He is on an injury timeout from tennis right now due to some sort of shoulder injury.

After yoga, we are picking up Pei Wei, I'm dropping son off at home, and then heading to a meeting. I know all the 'truths' about fear but there are some days when it creeps up on me and I can't shake it. I can tell myself until I'm blue in the face, I can pray and pray some more, but really what helps me shake it is just talking to people who understand and know what this kind of fear feels like.

I have been held in the grips of fear for years to the point of anxiety attacks. Therapy, Celebrate Recovery, having a wide support system, and lastly, medication have helped me.

It is not perfect. I kicked out my XAH a few weeks ago. Today he sounded suicidal and it worried me alot. However, I have learned breathing and have learned to live in the moment much easier than before. It's not perfect but a work in progress!

Hugs Friend!

No, it's never perfect, LOL. I would worry about the suicidal thing, too. Hope all is well with you tonight.

AH is now with a new therapist whom he says is frustrated for him because of my lack of intimacy in our marriage. He told me that he's tried everything a woman wants so that she(meaning me) will have sex with him.

Ugh. I'm not sure what he's talking about except maybe that he brought me flowers once recently. And, I'm not so sure that that's what most women want in order to sleep with a guy anyway. I think I need a bit more than that, LOL.

Oh, to be a fly on that wall in the therapist's office. Man, I gotta get back to working my program hardcore.

When will men like this get it?

Women usually only have sex with men who are nice to them and men they feel affectionate towards/ attracted to.

Personally I have never found a drunken, nasty, whining man attractive.