AmandaOliver

So today was maybe the hardest day I have had in the three weeks since my ABF moved out. I don't know what it is but I was at work sobbing at my desk and had to shut my door.. I called my therapist and she fit me in right away and I feel a bit better after talking to her. I am just missing him alot even though things were not even that good, obviously. He was hiding his drinking and emotionally and physically distant and then when I confronted him the last time he moved out.

But I still feel such a loss...like I lost my best friend. We just spent so much time together over the past three years and a lot of it was good.

We are not really talking and haven't talked in 3 weeks except text messages. Usually he says that he will call me and he never does. Or he says lets have dinner and then never calls. He is staying at his sisters and I know he is probably drinking a lot because he doesn't have to hide it there since he stays in the basement. It is hard for me to think that he doesn't miss me at all, because I haven't heard from him, but I think it is because his only concern is drinking and that is his focus.

At the time he left the drinking had started to get really bad, with him mostly drinking whiskey or a couple bottles of wine a night and then hiding the bottles. He would mostly stay on the couch and play video games and I would just go to bed. He is not one to ever appear drunk, embarrass himself or do anything stupid. Which is why I didn't even know he was an alcoholic until we lived together and started finding the bottles. So I wonder if his tolerance is just so high now that he doesn't even appear drunk. But I do think that he was more prone to arguments when drinking.

He also takes a few different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills and over the holidays he told me he did not feel good mentally and thinks he is very ill. I offered to take him to the ER but he said he would wait and see his doctor. He said that his depression was getting worse. Which maybe also brought on the heavier drinking. He is a totally different person when he doesn't drink. I am worried about him and I miss him a lot.

I know I should not take him back even if he wanted that but right now it would be so tempting. My therapist says I am as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol. Maybe I am. I wasn't expecting to have so many ups and downs in how I am feeling. I am going to my first al-anon meeting tomorrow.

Trailsky

I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Big hugs to you. It is really hard to love an alcoholic. It's great you are giving al anon a try. Go to a few meetings to find one that fits. My first meeting scared me off but I tried a different group and they are great! You will find so much support there and start YOUR recovery to help deal with these feelings. Hang in there. Easy does it.

Catherine628

Sorry you had a hard day. Grief takes time. I think you are right, drinking is his only concern right now. I think gradually your focus will shift from him back to you.

I found the book Under the Influence to be very helpful. It gives lots of good info on addiction and the stages and progression. It helped me understand why it took me so long to realize my husband was an alcoholic.

AmandaOliver

Catherine, thank you so much. I downloaded the book and already started reading it. I think it will help me also.

honeypig

Amanda, I've seen it said here that the sadness we feel after a breakup w/an A is not necessarily for the actual person or relationship, b/c logically and rationally we can see that it just wasn't that good. What we are mourning is the death of the dreams we had. Our grief is for the hopes and plans that will not be realized w/that person.

It's a sad thing, and it does take time, growth and healing for the pain to go away. Hoping you find some of all of those things and continue your journey to a better life.