Worried0810

Thanks everyone Well, I'm going on this holiday anyway to pick up some cigarettes for my little sister and also to have a break. Everyone is right, I mean, he did only have 4 beers yesterday but today he has started drinking (he's bought two and I know that he will go out and buy more). Redatlanta - you basically knocked the nail on the head, that is exactly what he is like and it's controlling. I've started to fight back recently. I mean, yesterday I was making sausages and he kept saying how to do them so I told him to them himself! He wouldn't even let me cut the onion because 'he can do it better'. I'm scared, I don't know how to start the conversation of how I'm feeling. I just want him to do something so bad that I can walk without any guilt basically, without me having to sit down and feel like I'm breaking his heart. I realise now that I've made a mistake - I should've walked out 4 weeks ago, and I wouldn't be going through this again.
I've tried to be happy again and I can't, because I'm always scared that when he's alone, he'll drink and take drugs and hide it from me, and I can't trust him. I feel like he's constantly having a go at me and I'm being snappy back. We are having loads of little fights and I just feel like it will all come together and we'll have another big fight. When I come back from the holiday, I'm going to just sit down and think about what I want. He'll be away for another three weeks, so it'll give me plenty of time to think and decide how I go forward.
Why is it so difficult for me to leave though? I mean, when he calls me darling or my love, I smile and think that we could be alright. He talks about our future (buying furniture and buying a house) but I don't want that anymore! Today he's talking about us buying a house with a garden but yesterday he was talking about how he likes taking drugs! What? Is he just saying that stuff to keep me sweet?

Worried0810

Well, it didn't last long. It's only Tuesday and he's back to having a drink throughout the week. I asked him about it (because he'd said 'drinking is crap' on Saturday!) and he said, 'It's only two beers.' I knew this would happen though. Every time that we (or he) is about to go back to his homeland for a holiday, his drinking gradually rises so that when we do go over, he can drink 7/8 beers and not feel anything.
I've got my answer really haven't I? No matter what he says about alcohol, it's always going to be there. I almost feel like the other woman, I am the one he is having an affair with because beer was there first.
I feel stupid because yesterday, I got some really good news. I have an interview for a job tomorrow! It's close to where I live now but it gives excellent experience and would help me get a good job! I was so excited and happy, but again he wasn't really that supportive. I had phoned him to tell him and he just asked to phone him later. When he came home, it was straight to bed, asking him to make his dinner for later on. When he came back through, he did ask then but it was too late really. I was thinking though, and first time in a long time, I felt that we could actually make this work, that I could learn to trust him again answer we could go back to the way we were - minus the alcohol and drugs.
But it's not. It might 'only be two beers' today, but by Saturday, it'll be 8 - 10 beers. I know now why I am going on this holiday. I am going to see if he will keep his promise about not drinking and no drugs, but I know deep down that he won't. And I have my reason to leave.
The only thing is - this interview is for a job that is in the city I live and if we split, then I'd want to move to a different city which would mean a lot of travel. So part of me is actually hoping that I don't get it because it would be one less thing to worry about.
My head is a bit all over the place right now. He is talking about going on holiday next year and all I can think about if we will even be together in a month. Is it normal for me to feel guilty? I'm feeling disappointed as well because he proved last week that he can keep his drinking down to an acceptable level but he chooses not to. I feel that it is more important to him to have his beer than respect what I've asked him to do to save our relationship.

ladyscribbler

You want something that he's not in a position to give. This is who he is. It's nothing to do with you. He's an alcoholic/addict. If that's not something you want in your life, then it's your responsibility to make a change for yourself, not his responsibility to change for you.
Alcoholism is progressive. This is the best he will ever be. "Cutting back" isn't sustainable for an alcoholic. That's why last week didn't really prove anything.
His drinking isn't a personal reflection of you, it's just drinking. It's what alcoholics do.
Your best bet is to get busy living your own life. If you want that new job, go for it.
If he's been drinking and taking drugs since you've been together, then you really don't know what his true self is. There is no possibility that things will "go back to how they were minus the drugs and drinking", and if you don't start living for yourself, you're going to waste a lot of time waiting on something that's impossible.