involved

You have gotten great responses here...I can only add that prescription drugs are only legal if they are prescribed to the person taking them AND they are taken only as prescribed.

Worried0810

It's not prescription drugs, it's those legal highs you can buy that basically haven't been tested yet. He was taking one called Ching, which is very similar to cocaine and when mixed with alcohol, it actually turns into Ritalin - used to treat ADHD in children!
I have to say though - I have just came home from work and there are no bottles. So he hasn't drank for 4 days now. But I'm not getting my hopes up until Saturday arrives, and I'll see how much he drinks then and if he disappears again.
But now, I've been thinking the other way around. What if he does cut down and stays down? What if he hasn't been taking the drug and never does again? I don't know whether I can be happy again. I don't know whether the trust has completely gone and it'll never come back. I don't know if I can ever stop dreading the weekends because I'm scared it'll be filled with alcohol.
Has anyone here ever given a partner a second chance after an ultimatum and the partner has actually stuck to it? Maybe I'm just looking for hope that this can be fixed. But on the other hand, I don't know if I want it to be fixed. I'm very confused and conflicted. I love him with every piece of me, but I don't know if that's enough anymore. I feel like it isn't enough for him and that's why he drinks so much. Is that a reflection on me? I feel like I'm not good enough for him (I'm not as addictive if you will) and he drinks beer to fill this void that I'm obviously not filling.
I've not said this before, he does love me back. He says he loves me nearly every day, and when we got back together after our fight, he always said that he was happy we were together, and he's happy that we are in our flat together. But as the weeks have gone on, I'm hearing it less and less, and I find myself saying it less. It's always been important to me to tell people (family and close friend) that I love them, I always feel that they should know this and never take it for granted that I do. Sometimes, I feel that he does and other times, I feel that my heart will burst when he tells me he loves me. It would be very hard to walk away, but I know that I cannot stay around someone who must have alcohol and legal highs in their life. I want better than that.

suki44883

Please understand and know that his addiction has nothing at all to do with you. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. There is nothing you say or do that makes him drink or use. He drinks and uses because he is an addict. You didn't make him an addict and you won't stop him from being an addict. Please don't put that burden on yourself. It really has nothing to do with you.

SoloMio

I was going to say something like this as well, but you said it so much better, lillamy. I definitely felt the same way, and it's so true that if you are using "evidence" as justification to leave, you leave yourself open to raising your own bar for what that evidence is. I did that many times.

The fear will still be there when he does X, the self-doubt will still be there when he does Y--and until you deal with that and give yourself permission to do what your gut is telling you is the best thing for you, NO amount of evidence is going to trigger you to leave.

Be good to yourself and listen to your own heart.

honeypig

This is the truth you need to hold close to your heart. With or without him, you are still YOU. Someone posted this a while ago and it rang so true for me that I saved it to my Recovery folder: I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.

There is so much baggage, the lying, the lack of trust, the irresponsibility--none of this will get any better while he's an active addict. If it feels to you like leaving the relationship is abandoning him, perhaps think of it as turning him over to God, the power of the Universe, or whatever spiritual belief you may hold. He needs to be in bigger hands than yours, Worried.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Worried0810

I definitely need the strength! We found out today that his cousin was found dead yesterday - suspected alcohol poisoning, so he's been acting funny all day and I've tried to be supportive but he's pushing me away really, but it's what he does. We had agreed earlier to have a takeaway today, but when he came home, he started moaning because there was no dinner ready (takeaway?) and that the dishes weren't done (that's his only chore) and ate a fish and went to bed for a nap. I literally feel like I live alone! We're like passing ships.
I believe in a higher power, I believe in God but he doesn't. Something has happened today to makes me think that someone is giving me a helping hand.
I work two jobs - a part time day job and a full time night job. I hate it, I'm constantly tired and I've been looking for a full time day job for a long time. Today, I got a call from an agency I'd signed up for - the job sounds perfect, good money, matches my skills and Id be very good at the job. The only issue is the distance, it's about a 40 minute journey from where I live now. If I moved to be closer to my family, it halves my journey time. Should I take this as a sign? :P
I want to make it to this holiday at least, and see how we are then. He's still not had a drink now so he's on his fifth day, but he does usually have a couple of beers after work so we will see tonight. I'm still apprehensive about tomorrow but I can only wait and see what happens but if he takes any drugs, I'm gone right away.

Worried0810

Oh God, I definitely need some strength! He came back from his night job, gave me a high five (I'm his girlfriend, not his pal), commented that I hadn't been to do the food shop (I was going to do it tomorrow after my morning job) and said that he was going to bed. I went through and he said "What's up?" and I said "Well, you come and just go straight to bed." And he said that he was tired.
He hasn't brought any beer back with him though but that just makes me worry that tomorrow will be all about beer to make up for not having any this week. But, what should I do if he cuts down?
I feel pretty abandoned right now, it seems to me that he's only happy when he has a beer in his hand. He's been distant all week, and I just don't know what's going on with him. Can someone actually be miserable without beer?

honeypig

Yep. It's called a dry drunk. Google the term if you want more info. As you read the threads here, you'll see that simply "not drinking" is NOT the answer. It may be the start of the answer, but "not drinking" and recovery are not the same thing at all.

Can I gently suggest that you focus less on the A and his actions and more on yourself and what YOU want? Only one person in this scenario is under your control. Hint: It is NOT the A.

Alanon?

Thinking

Please take the new job. You deserve it!

Worried0810

Thinking - I'll definitely take the job, I've just got to hope that they'll give a chance to take the test! I'm feeling positive about it though!
honeypig - You're right, there's more to this than simply not drinking. He can't tell his limits ever and he can never have just one. I used to drink heavily throughout my Uni years (as one foes) but stopped around 3 years ago after a drunken fight turned violent and I tried to stop it but woke up with a shirt covered in blood! To be honest, I'm not 100% sure what I want. Sometimes I want him to cut down and we could try and get back to where we were, and other times I want to be away from him and not have to worry.
I don't know if we have alanon in the UK, but to be honest, I'm getting a lot of self therapy posting on here! I know what I want in life, but I'm just not sure if he will be there for it anymore.

AmandaOliver

All of this sounds very familiar to me as well. The roommate thing..My XABF told me one time, "I am just a tenant." (he was living in my house, with, I thought, the intentions of us getting married). He never did any of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, or anything else. As far as he was concerned he was paying rent and that was enough. He played video games or watched tv while sneaking drinks and hiding the evidence. Sex was nonexistent. We slept next to eachother holding eachother but that was it. Most of the time he went to bed at 7 pm. There were times I thought, I wish he would leave but I can't kick him out. Well then, 3 weeks ago when I confronted him about his drinking, he left on his own. I was sad. Go figure. But I think it was more of an ego/rejection thing than me really wanting to be with him. It's been 3 weeks now and I still cry. It would be hard not to take him back if he asked me to. But every day I am feeling better and more like this happened for a reason.

CodeJob

YES this is job is a gift! A peaceful out. I took a new job last year and it has made a huge difference in my happiness level - which gave me more ability and patience to deal with things in my life!

CodeJob

You sound better Miss Amanda! Fire up that vitamix for something green and frothy! Wheat grass shots!

honeypig

Alanon is world-wide, if you decide you're interested. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Glad you're finding help here.

Thinking

Paying for sitters can be a problem for me but I recently discovered that Alanon also do online meetings.

honeypig

Also, many Alanon meetings offer child care, asking for a donation of $1 per child if you can afford it and nothing at all if you can't. They are all about making it easy to get help....

Worried0810

Luckily for us, there's no kids involved! He's bought 4 beers for tonight, but I don't think that will be it all. He said, "Drinking is crap, I'm not drinking anymore." But I've heard it so much times already! I'm pretty sure that he'll go to the shops to buy more later on :/ He's drank three already and we've been home for 2 hours. He wants to go to the cinema as well but we can't even go there without beer being involved!
I've been asking myself a question - if he stopped drinking, would I still be in love with him? I just don't know anymore, some part just wants a new start without him and the other part wants to make it work, but I don't know what else I can do!

Worried0810

A quick update!
Well, he proved me wrong and only had the four beers. However, he slept for about 3 hours on the sofa so that's probably why! However, he said something that has me worried (my name does suit doesn't it?) We were watching The Faculty and for those who haven't watched it, the kids in it take a drug to prove that they're not an alien. As the scene was unfolding, he said why do they take that? I told him it kills the alien so they're proving they're still human. And he said, 'Oh, like speed?' (Which is what he takes if it's about) and I said, 'No, it's just crushed caffeine pills passed off as drugs. It's ****, all drugs are ****.' And he said 'I like drugs,' and sniffed like he was taking one. I asked if he really did, and he said he does. I asked if that's why he went round to his friends house last week and he said no but the way he said it bothered me. He didn't look me in the face and he was smiling when he said it. I think he's lying to me and I think he did take something last week, but I've got no bloody proof! I'm not someone to rely on what's been said, I need to have proof.
Why is this so bloody difficult? The only assumption that I can make is that he does like drugs, so he is going to do them again, probably on our holiday. We are going to his homeland where his friends are who also do drugs. I am only staying for a week whereas he is staying for a month. And when I'm not there, he drinks non stop and does drugs at least once. Often, he tells me but last time he actually FaceTimed me at 3am with his friend and quite clearly, he was high. I feel like I am just waiting for it to happen, because if it does, it means I can go, I have my validation almost. Plus, if he is away on holiday still, it means that I can start making the arrangements for myself to go.
But I keep thinking that what happens if we go and he doesn't? I mean, he says he likes drugs, but I like cigarettes but I don't smoke because he doesn't like me smoking. Can he return the favour for me? However, cigarettes don't alter my personality, whereas drugs alter his! I'm angry at him for putting us in this situation, and I'm angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I should've left when it first became a problem for me, or I should've said something to him so he knew I didn't like it.
I have also read up, and I've come to acknowledge the face that I am an enabler, or I was at least. I would go the shops to get him alcohol if he asked or if he was too drunk to go. I would go because at least then I knew exactly what he was drinking, and he couldn't buy something like whiskey or brandy. Once, and only once(!) I drove him to the shop to get the legal high. I did all this to avoid confrontation, even if it meant I was miserable. It makes me physically ill when I think about how much of my own hard earned money I've spent on alcohol for him. I did it because I loved him, and I still do, but I'm not buying alcohol for him again, even if he gives me his own money. I feel no better than a slave sometimes.

velma929

The proof is he's not treating you the way you ought to be treated.

What does it matter what the reason is?

His Mom never taught him manners.

He's a rude individual.

He's a narcissist.

Drugs make him act badly.

redatlanta

Imagine a leash around your neck and BF holding it. When he pulls it so tightly to the point you can't breath he lets loose so you can, then starts they cycle of pulling it until you can't breath all over again.

This ^^^ is your life. When he drinks too much to the point you have had it he stops or slows down. When he does drugs to the point you are ready to leave he stops. When he has ignored you to the point you want to move out he hugs you and pays attention to you.

All you have to do is take the leash off. You control nothing in this situation, he controls it all. You HAVE proof - you don't' need more.

Knowing that his friends do drugs - I am uncertain why you are subjecting yourself to this holiday. I doubt it will be much of a holiday for you I expect it will be a disaster - are you hoping it will be so you can leave him? Instead of taking control of your life and making the decisions that are best for you, a life that you want, you are waiting for the world to help you out and make that decision for you. You are hoping he screws up bad enough to give yourself permission to leave.

Playing the "what if" game - "what if he stops, what if he goes back to how he was…what if, what if, what if……WHAT IF - that game has trapped you as well. Life is not about "what if" its about WHAT IS.

Hoping you take that job and move along. This situation isn't headed anywhere but South and you deserve better.