A co-dependent Alcoholic Love Story
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
A co-dependent Alcoholic Love Story
I was writing in my journal and it somehow took the form of this story. It's my story, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was yours too.
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Her constant “need” to help him is beyond help. At least it feels that way. He’s incapable of running his own life. That’s obvious. And, he “needs” her to take care of things for him. If she takes care of all his stuff for him, he’ll have all the time and desire to want to spend time with her. After all, she is indispensible to him now isn't she?
You betcha.
The reason the alcoholic doesn’t want to let go of the codependent is because they have such a synergy together. The codie comes in and takes care of all those little things that the alcoholic has trouble with. Simple things too. The codie is there to provide all the love and support the alcoholic needs. She’s there to handle his problems, soothe his worries and allow him to be the screw up that he is. Without any repercussions on his end to perform any differenlty.
Yep, that alcoholic can pretty much do whatever he wants. Why, he can get drunk each and every night and the codie will sit there and watch him. She will see the pain and suffering behind those glassy eyes. She will feel sorry for him. She will believe she is the only one who really sees the pain he has inside him. She feels his pain. She wants and needs to be the one to make it feel better. She knows she can make it better.
She listens to his rants. His constant chatter that never ends. He slurs how beautiful she is to him. His eyes barely opened. He tells her how much he loves her. He tries to kiss her but with his eyes closed he starts to become comatose and doesn’t realize he’s not moving his lips. He attempts to love her but doesn't even really know what's going on. He's not even present with her. Has no recollection the next day of being with her.
She allows him to get so drunk he passes out on the bed. She makes sure everything is taken care of before she goes to bed. That he hasn’t turned on the stove, or left something cooking in the toaster. No candles have been lit, or the keys left in the door.
She goes around the house making sure it’s all in order before she can retire for the night.
She checks the light in the bathroom to be sure it’s on in case he has to get up to go to use it in the night. She checks to be sure there is nothing in his path so he doesn’t trip in the dark. She checks next to the bed to make sure nothing there will be damaged if he wakes up to pee and goes off the side of the bed, thinking it’s the bathroom.
She tries to lie next to him in bed, but he is so knocked out from the alcohol he doesn’t move. There are no night time conversations in bed. No romance. No resemblance of anyone alive lying next to her.
In the morning, he remembers very little about the night before. He asks if he said or did anything he shouldn’t have. She tells him everything was fine. He needs his sleep so stays in bed longer than she does. She makes him breakfast. Gets everything he needs for his shower and gets herself ready for work.
She makes sure there is food all prepared in the fridge for him. Makes him dinner to take to work later.
His life is a mess. His bills are barely paid on time. He’s defaulted on his student loans. They garnished money he owes from his checking account. He can’t remember stuff he needs to do for work. He doesn’t think before he does something at work and is constantly being talked to by his boss. He calls her when he says an inappropriate remark to a female co-worker and is worried he’ll lose his job. She listens and soothes him and tells him it’ll be fine.
He forgets to return library books. Doesn’t remember important appointments
for his daughter. Lives in a state of disorganization. Nothing is ever where he thinks it is.
But, she is there for him, Miss Codie. He loves her and needs her and she NEEDS to be needed. He fills her NEED to be validated that she’s worth something. Her importance in his life is what makes him love her.
She pushes aside her need for a real relationship. She changes her plans so she can be with him. She says things to him that aren’t the truth to keep the peace. She can deal with whatever needs of hers aren’t being met. She can handle it. Like she handles everything else. She’s learned that asking for what she needs is either selfish or wrong. She’s realized if she asks for what she needs she may get rejected or worse, left behind. She’s learned to believe she has to sacrifice herself to be loved. That struggle is a natural part of a relationship. She thinks red flags are merely opportunities to fix someone. Believes boundaries are only temporary constraints.
She feeds his needs…he feeds her needs. They are a perfect dynamic. A perfect love story.
************************************************** **
Her constant “need” to help him is beyond help. At least it feels that way. He’s incapable of running his own life. That’s obvious. And, he “needs” her to take care of things for him. If she takes care of all his stuff for him, he’ll have all the time and desire to want to spend time with her. After all, she is indispensible to him now isn't she?
You betcha.
The reason the alcoholic doesn’t want to let go of the codependent is because they have such a synergy together. The codie comes in and takes care of all those little things that the alcoholic has trouble with. Simple things too. The codie is there to provide all the love and support the alcoholic needs. She’s there to handle his problems, soothe his worries and allow him to be the screw up that he is. Without any repercussions on his end to perform any differenlty.
Yep, that alcoholic can pretty much do whatever he wants. Why, he can get drunk each and every night and the codie will sit there and watch him. She will see the pain and suffering behind those glassy eyes. She will feel sorry for him. She will believe she is the only one who really sees the pain he has inside him. She feels his pain. She wants and needs to be the one to make it feel better. She knows she can make it better.
She listens to his rants. His constant chatter that never ends. He slurs how beautiful she is to him. His eyes barely opened. He tells her how much he loves her. He tries to kiss her but with his eyes closed he starts to become comatose and doesn’t realize he’s not moving his lips. He attempts to love her but doesn't even really know what's going on. He's not even present with her. Has no recollection the next day of being with her.
She allows him to get so drunk he passes out on the bed. She makes sure everything is taken care of before she goes to bed. That he hasn’t turned on the stove, or left something cooking in the toaster. No candles have been lit, or the keys left in the door.
She goes around the house making sure it’s all in order before she can retire for the night.
She checks the light in the bathroom to be sure it’s on in case he has to get up to go to use it in the night. She checks to be sure there is nothing in his path so he doesn’t trip in the dark. She checks next to the bed to make sure nothing there will be damaged if he wakes up to pee and goes off the side of the bed, thinking it’s the bathroom.
She tries to lie next to him in bed, but he is so knocked out from the alcohol he doesn’t move. There are no night time conversations in bed. No romance. No resemblance of anyone alive lying next to her.
In the morning, he remembers very little about the night before. He asks if he said or did anything he shouldn’t have. She tells him everything was fine. He needs his sleep so stays in bed longer than she does. She makes him breakfast. Gets everything he needs for his shower and gets herself ready for work.
She makes sure there is food all prepared in the fridge for him. Makes him dinner to take to work later.
His life is a mess. His bills are barely paid on time. He’s defaulted on his student loans. They garnished money he owes from his checking account. He can’t remember stuff he needs to do for work. He doesn’t think before he does something at work and is constantly being talked to by his boss. He calls her when he says an inappropriate remark to a female co-worker and is worried he’ll lose his job. She listens and soothes him and tells him it’ll be fine.
He forgets to return library books. Doesn’t remember important appointments
for his daughter. Lives in a state of disorganization. Nothing is ever where he thinks it is.
But, she is there for him, Miss Codie. He loves her and needs her and she NEEDS to be needed. He fills her NEED to be validated that she’s worth something. Her importance in his life is what makes him love her.
She pushes aside her need for a real relationship. She changes her plans so she can be with him. She says things to him that aren’t the truth to keep the peace. She can deal with whatever needs of hers aren’t being met. She can handle it. Like she handles everything else. She’s learned that asking for what she needs is either selfish or wrong. She’s realized if she asks for what she needs she may get rejected or worse, left behind. She’s learned to believe she has to sacrifice herself to be loved. That struggle is a natural part of a relationship. She thinks red flags are merely opportunities to fix someone. Believes boundaries are only temporary constraints.
She feeds his needs…he feeds her needs. They are a perfect dynamic. A perfect love story.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
As I was reading your post it was like hitting rewind and watching my life when I lived with my AXBF. It also made me glad I was able to detach by moving an hour away and finding peace within myself. I don't ever want to be that lonely person who sat and watched him drink until he passed out on the bed. The way it felt like he wasn't present and I was always waiting for crumbs of affection he rarely threw my way. Thank you so much for posting that. I was definitely in codie mode for a long time and it sucked! I may have still been there if it wasn't for threads like this one!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2
Good Day I agree with thus somewhat. I did a lot of this and he ended up leaving after five months of rehab and seven months out of rehab. Totaling one year clean. Is it always viewed as enabling and not @ some points being supportive to an extent. I mean we both lived in the same apt so bills still had to be paid. I'm so torn
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
All true for me as well...except after a while, I could no longer ignore my needs and my gut was screaming at me daily to get out. Hardest thing Ive ever done. I still miss the sober man he was. But he's dead ....And a drunk is born again!!
Thank you for sharing our story!!
Thank you for sharing our story!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
I read that story and know how much of it is true for me too. I feel pity for the little scared me that needs so badly to be loved that any behaviour is acceptable. I've managed to stay away from my xabf for about 10 days now and I'm hoping that means I can start to classify him as an xabf. He still is trying to suck me back into his life with excuses for contact. So many things he needs to check with me about his medical care etc. At first, I felt as if I should fix everything. Now I'm starting to get irritated by him. I want to move on but I still feel guilty. I hope it's progress.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
That was my life also. Then I could see that there was nothing I could do to fix him, so I tried to fix me more and more, so that I could help him, support him, be there for him. Everything was focused on "what is wrong with me".
It didn't matter how much I tried to fix me, because just being "me" was wrong with him. I then sunk into a deep depression.
It didn't matter how much I tried to fix me, because just being "me" was wrong with him. I then sunk into a deep depression.
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