SiRiDiPiTi

I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack! I'm at work, but I've been obsessing all morning I think it started because on my way in I fell asleep on the train with a pandora station on and when I woke up I realized nothing but sappy, heartbreak songs were being fed into my subconscious. He's been texting me, saying all the right things, backing off and, generally, not letting his a** show. So now I'm doubting, now I'm thinking all the stupid "what ifs" and worrying about life without him... what will he do, how much I will miss him, how much this sucks! I wanted to start sending him a flurry of messages telling him how much he hurt me, begging for answers, pleading for him to understand. But I didn't, and I rushed to log on here because if rather let it out on SR then open up that window of insanity... right?

It's been three weeks since I left and I'm trying to hold on to my resolve. I keep all the bruised and bloody pictures on my phone so that I can scroll through them whenever I start to think if the happy times, so I remember how close he came to killing me or permanently hurting me. I have the permanent scars on my body that I now force myself to look at for what they are and not the "accidents" I convinced myself they were.

This pain though! I'm trying to remember that my story is no different, but it just hurts so much coming to terms with the truth when my sickness just wants me to revert back into my turtle she'll and pretend that it's not so bad, that he loves me, and THIS time will be different because THIS time he knows I'm serious! But this time is no different, I've been down this road countless times and every time is exactly the same, it's just the severity of the abuse changes. How sad and pathetic I've become! It's so pathetic because I *almost* would rather revert back to the ignorant doormat who lies to myself, rather than deal with this heartache and loss. I feel like someone died! Like I lost my grandma a all over again. But, maybe letting go is like death... death of that old stupid fragile ME! I have to accept the loss because my life is still ahead of me and I can't wallow in the pain of what was (or wasn't).

And here he goes, texting me now that I'm the love of his life and he's no good without me. Well, a-hole, if I was so important then why'd you beat the crap out of me and talk to me like I was sub-human?!?!

Okay, sorry, thanks for letting me vent. Oh and how did I gloss over the stickies above this whole time???? That reading is inspirational and hits so close and on target!

lillamy

I'm glad you save those pictures.

When I think back to being married to an A, I felt like I was so discouraged and downtrodden that I couldn't really imagine happiness, you know? It was like being with this guy who berated and verbally abused me was the best I could do. I've learned since that depression does that to you -- it doesn't just make you feel hopeless in the here and now; it also gives you these gray glasses that makes the future look just as bleak as the present.

What helped me after I left was to remember that the grief I felt wasn't about reality. Because reality with him sucked. What I grieved was my dreams of a good marriage. I was grieving something that never existed, but that I wanted to exist.

I thought when I was 30 that "if I leave him now, I'll be too old to ever meet anyone else." Well, after I left AXH and found my independence and footing, I was almost 50 -- and managed to find the love of my life. And found that everyday life didn't have to be a struggle. That you could laugh at things rather than get into a fight over them.

You need faith, my friend. Faith that even if you can't even imagine it right now there is a bright future waiting for you out there. Once you've dusted yourself off and left him in the rear view mirror so far off you can't even see him.

amy55

Hey Siri,

I felt the same way. The minimizing. I had the pictures, I had the emails, the texts, the voicemail, whenever I found myself wanting to contact him, I would look at them, read them, play it over in my mind from beginning to end. That sure made me not want to pick up the phone or answer an email. Oh, and yeah, I didn't grieve my marriage/relationship, I grieved my dreams.

I really think you are sounding so good.

And no, the love of your life, doesn't beat the crap out of you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

amy55

Oh, Siri, just wanted to add ----- You did real good. Congrats.

Keep staying on the board, reading, posting and responding to others. It will keep it in your mind what actually was happening. Will stop you from minimizing. I'm out over 5 yrs, and I am still here. I never want to forget, so that it never happens again to me. Thank you for sharing your journey into a better world with us.

EmmyG

I'm in a similar boat - although my husband never left a mark on me, he has done some serious damage, verbally more than anything. What I keep telling myself is "You are sick, as sick as he is. You will look back on this and be SO glad you pulled yourself out of that situation." And every SINGLE time I have a positive memory of him, I immediately replace it with a time he was awful to me. Because it's not like a normal relationship, with the good times and bad, it's a twisted one where the "bads" are UNACCEPTABLE behavior that no one should have to put up with.

AnvilheadII

text him back one of them pics of what he did to you. then block his @ss and get on with your life. NO ONE who leaves us bloodied and bruised is worthy of one additional nanosecond of our time - unless it's in the courtroom testifying against them.

Ofelie

It is like a death, you just have to treat it as one. Its really reallllllly hard. I hate it. Every moment of it. I know how you feel, but its like a wave. You will go up, and have days where you float through it and barely think about it, but then you go down and it just really hits you. Ride the waves, and just take it moment by moment. The one thing I have learned is that the bad days, the days where you want to give in, where you want to take him back, they don't last, and they become fewer and fewer. So...if you can just be strong and get through them, slowly, bit by bit, you will make it. The pictures are a very good idea. And journaling. You must remember it, our minds and hearts find ways to numb us, to make us forget the most horrible parts, so suddenly our guys don't seem so bad. I have been bloodied and broken like you though I do not think I was ever hurt as badly as you were, and yes, I too take out the pics and remind myself from time to time when I am feeling low. I read back my posts on here, or my words in my journal, and it shocks me, the things that he did to me.
A man who loves you will cherish you. He will not belittle you or hurt you or bloody you. Ever. Period. Its the hardest thing I have ever done, to boot mine out and go no contact. I would suggest it for you, honey. No contact, to give you time to clear your head, to heal. You can't heal, you can't fix yourself until he is out of your face and out of your head. You must get some space, so, I would suggest blocking him, or whatever, and going no contact...which also means NO response.