tnwife

My AAH has been in rehab for 3 weeks this time. He agreed to let me come to family group and I was required to write an impact letter. I wrote it, read it and now I feel weird about the reaction from him. He listened contently and then walked out the group. I couldn't tell if he was mad or if it was a reality check.

he called me yesterday, we had ten minutes. He was extremely concerned about the well being of everyone. asked me how I doing, Which was a first in months. He told me he was okay during the reading of he letter until I said something about Al-anon, because he said he feel like I'm trying to analyze him through my meeting. I explained to him that my meeting are for my health, sanity, and serenity. not him

I didn't ask him when he was coming home this time because I honestly didn't care. don't get me wrong I love him and miss him but I don't miss his actions and I have settled into a routine. I don't necessarily have any expectations of him when he gets back because I don't want him to not meet them and then they turn into resentments. I don't even know if I want to be with him because I'm scared he will relapse. I want to continue m marriage, I'm just torn between his past actions and giving him another chance, because he is an awesome dad and husband when he is sober.

How do I handle these feelings and try to let the past be just that past.

Mango blast

The only way I know how to handle those feelings is to keep working my program, one day at a time. Do you also have a counselor for yourself? (preferably one with an addictions background )

How long has your husband been in rehab before and how long ago? Same place?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a year or more for yourself and your kids to work on your own healing separate from your husband, which would also give him time to work on his own recover. With this being his 5th go ahead at rehab, it may be a much needed break for all of you. His past actions are what you need to listen to. That's the truth of what he's showing you.

That doesn't mean giving up on your marriage. It means giving you both time to heal. That can help build a strong foundation to give your marriage a chance. Going back to the same routine and habits that aren't working now can continue to pull you both apart.

tnwife

he went for 28 days 3 times and 30 the 4th. this time I think its 90. I had five free sessions but cant afford to go back. I attend al anon regularly. I have been thinking about telling him we need to start over and just date each other for a while when he gets to come back. don't know how he will take it.

Mango blast

How long has he not used when not at rehab?
Has he ever fully committed to a recovery program after rehab?

Do you feel like you've been making progress with the 12 steps in Alanon?

tnwife

5-6 months at most. i honestly don't think he was ready to stop those times. I don't know if he is now, but that's on him. I feel like i have made progress in my program.

Hawkeye13

From what I've been reading on this list, having someone out of inpatient and back
at home too soon doesn't usually go well.

If you aren't sure you want him back right after he finishes, tell him soon while he is there
so they can help him find sober living situations and he can process it with the therapists.

Of course, only you can decide, but it seems like that is such a critical time for his recovery and he may be very up and down and fragile as you will be too.

Some time apart might help you both and put things on a more steady footing.

tnwife

I want to ask him about going to a transitional house, but I don't want him to feel like I don't want him, because I do just not drinking and drugging.

CodeJob

TN wife,

From your brief summary, I think you have every right to tell your partner he cannot come home immediately this time. He needs to saty elsewhere and provide a buffer zone for both of you to be primarily focused on recovery.