new here, advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Arizona
Posts: 29
new here, advice?
Ok, I am new to this board. My A is my husband of 3 years. We have two young children and I have a daughter from my first marriage who is 12. When my ah drinks he seems to take everything out on her and she was raised not to take any crap, even though he is supposed to be the authority figure in this house. I am stuck between trying to teach her to respect him and teaching him to respect her. I feel like I have to protect her and then he accuses me of letting her walk all over me. I think I need a black and white striped shirt. Any advice on this topic???? I am trying so hard to detach from his behavior, but when it involves my daughter I can't just walk away.
I wrote a letter a week ago saying if he didn't seek help I was going to take his kids and leave him, I am finding that I am unable to keep on that threat and I know he knows that, any advice for me on this???
I wrote a letter a week ago saying if he didn't seek help I was going to take his kids and leave him, I am finding that I am unable to keep on that threat and I know he knows that, any advice for me on this???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey moonkat,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
Your daughter is going to have a hard time respecting an authority figure who isn't acting respectable.
I say you take off the referee shirt and let them work this out between the two of them.
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
Your daughter is going to have a hard time respecting an authority figure who isn't acting respectable.
I say you take off the referee shirt and let them work this out between the two of them.
Gabe
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Been there! Welcome to SR. What you are describing is what drove me to Al Anon. I could NOT fix it. In my case it was Ward and the Beav (my husband and son) and one of the first things I learned in Al Anon is that their relationship belongs to them.
My household exploded when the Beav was about 15 or 16 and it took me a couple of years at least to lose it. 12 is very young and she should not have to put up with the anger of an alcoholic father. And if you are like I was I spent more time getting between them than actually doing anything about it. She will be affected...just as you will be. If you are not going to leave...which is ok by me by the way...can you get her to Alateen? And yourself to Al Anon?
It is tough to start but I guarantee if you do nothing it will get worse. She will get older and fight harder and the situation will explode! I had an alcoholic father and I reacted my way right into an alcoholic marriage!
You cannot live in the middle of this. And the sooner she learns about the family disease of alchoholism the less at risk she will be to end up in a similar relationship herself.
Make yourself at home here!
JT
My household exploded when the Beav was about 15 or 16 and it took me a couple of years at least to lose it. 12 is very young and she should not have to put up with the anger of an alcoholic father. And if you are like I was I spent more time getting between them than actually doing anything about it. She will be affected...just as you will be. If you are not going to leave...which is ok by me by the way...can you get her to Alateen? And yourself to Al Anon?
It is tough to start but I guarantee if you do nothing it will get worse. She will get older and fight harder and the situation will explode! I had an alcoholic father and I reacted my way right into an alcoholic marriage!
You cannot live in the middle of this. And the sooner she learns about the family disease of alchoholism the less at risk she will be to end up in a similar relationship herself.
Make yourself at home here!
JT
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: california
Posts: 43
I am in your shoes..... 
I have learned the best way to handle the situation is to stand back and let them work it out. If it goes to far I talk to them privatly and tell them what I dont agree with.
That way I dont take sides.
As for leaving that is upto you. I have learned to keep that to myself too, unless I am really going to do it. There is nothing you can do about his addiction but there is alot you can do for yourself. Keep reading there is alot of info here. Keep comeing
I have learned the best way to handle the situation is to stand back and let them work it out. If it goes to far I talk to them privatly and tell them what I dont agree with.
That way I dont take sides.As for leaving that is upto you. I have learned to keep that to myself too, unless I am really going to do it. There is nothing you can do about his addiction but there is alot you can do for yourself. Keep reading there is alot of info here. Keep comeing
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Sonoma County California
Posts: 8
You are just describing how it was for me!
My stepfather who raised me is an alcoholic. When I was a few years older than your daughter we went through the same thing. I ended up not taking his crap, physically fighting with him and I ended up moving out of the house at 17.
I swore I would never marry anyone like my father! Especially an alcoholic.
My husband is an alcoholic and although he isn't violent like my father, I have issues about his drinking that automatically puts me on the defense because of my father.
I am glad I found this website! I am going to start going to a local al-anon for me. I need to learn that the alcoholics in my life (and there are more than just my dad and my hubby) are not my problem.
Good luck to you!!
My stepfather who raised me is an alcoholic. When I was a few years older than your daughter we went through the same thing. I ended up not taking his crap, physically fighting with him and I ended up moving out of the house at 17.
I swore I would never marry anyone like my father! Especially an alcoholic.
My husband is an alcoholic and although he isn't violent like my father, I have issues about his drinking that automatically puts me on the defense because of my father.
I am glad I found this website! I am going to start going to a local al-anon for me. I need to learn that the alcoholics in my life (and there are more than just my dad and my hubby) are not my problem.
Good luck to you!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
(((moonkat)))
I also told my H that if he didn't do this or that, I was going to leave him. I said that approximately five zillion times. Of course, I never left. I couldn't figure out why I didn't and it made me crazy.
It is really strange and hard to believe but if you stop trying to decide whether to stay or leave, it's easier to decide.
I'm glad you're here. Stick around, keep learning and things will get better.
L
I also told my H that if he didn't do this or that, I was going to leave him. I said that approximately five zillion times. Of course, I never left. I couldn't figure out why I didn't and it made me crazy.
It is really strange and hard to believe but if you stop trying to decide whether to stay or leave, it's easier to decide.
I'm glad you're here. Stick around, keep learning and things will get better.
L
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