Upate and question about my mother.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Upate and question about my mother.
So I moved out this weekend, officially. I love the new place. It's immaculately clean, safe, and MINE. I feel a million times more peaceful just walking in the door. Also, went on final interview this morning and it went great, I am 90% sure the job is mine, but I'm not counting my chickens yet.
Having a couple of issues and curious what you all think, because without you I would never have gotten to this point where I'm actually able to move out on my own.
AH hasn't been drinking over the last couple of weeks. He's been very lucid and polite. We are on the same page, in that he agrees I had to move out and he agrees it's his fault. He paid for the movers to move my stuff out and came over and put chain locks on the doors for me (to keep kids off balcony) - he does not have/will not get a key BTW. I have been keeping a nice distance from him. Friday night, my mom kept the boys while I got moved in and my sister came down to spend the night with me and help me get some stuff at Target for the new place. Then we went out to dinner/had drinks, had so much fun. AH didn't bother me at all, and I didn't contact him at all. Where I am/what I'm doing is none of his business.
Last night, I took the boys by to see him/my mother-in-law and to pick up more of my stuff. Our 6-year-old wanted to stay there for the night and have a slumber party with dad. BECAUSE AH was not drinking (and I know him pretty well and knew had had to be up for work this morning and was not at all likely to drink), I said yes. I had the job interview early this morning so I took my toddler home to get an early night. I got a text from my mother at around 10 PM while I was trying to sleep, asking how it was going. I told her well, and I told her he was staying the night with his dad. This what she texted:
"I don't understand. I know what I have to say doesn't matter and you have your interview tomorrow. So there's no point in me saying anything." It's late and you need sleep. Love you."
So I pressed her, and she said:
"I don't understand why you would have __________ staying the night with his dad right now. You moved out for a reason. He is ill. I know you will say he's fine and there is nothing to worry about."
The thing is, I live two mins away from AH. I can't just keep his kids from him unless I have grounds to do so. When he's actively drinking, I will 100% do what I have to do to keep him away from my kids (I work in the legal field and know plenty of family law attorneys). I am trying to make this transition easy on the kids, and of course I have anger toward AH, but I am trying to be nice and polite in front of the kids, and AH is doing the same, so that it goes as well as it can under the circumstances.
I fully expect AH to go on a binge once his mom goes home and he's on his own. I have lived with him for 7 years, and I can tell within 2 seconds of talking to him whether or not he's been drinking. I have so much going on that I can't handle a custody battle at this moment, and as AH has never been abusive to our kids, I don't see why I should tell them (or why I'd have a legal right) that they can't see daddy. It's literally been two days since I moved out, and this is all very new. I can't see the future - it may get very ugly with AH, I don't know yet. I just feel kind of offended by my mother, because I have always tried to do the best by my kids. Anytime AH has started drinking, I've removed us from the situation, and now I've permanently moved us from it. I think I'm doing ok, and I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I feel like she doesn't trust me and maybe I'm wrong but I just feel like telling her to go away for a bit. lol I also don't always trust her judgment, because she just asked to take our son with her on a trip for six days, after he was just visiting them this weekend. I think what he needs is to be with mommy and adjust to the new place. Sorry I'm rambling....
Am I way off here?
Having a couple of issues and curious what you all think, because without you I would never have gotten to this point where I'm actually able to move out on my own.
AH hasn't been drinking over the last couple of weeks. He's been very lucid and polite. We are on the same page, in that he agrees I had to move out and he agrees it's his fault. He paid for the movers to move my stuff out and came over and put chain locks on the doors for me (to keep kids off balcony) - he does not have/will not get a key BTW. I have been keeping a nice distance from him. Friday night, my mom kept the boys while I got moved in and my sister came down to spend the night with me and help me get some stuff at Target for the new place. Then we went out to dinner/had drinks, had so much fun. AH didn't bother me at all, and I didn't contact him at all. Where I am/what I'm doing is none of his business.
Last night, I took the boys by to see him/my mother-in-law and to pick up more of my stuff. Our 6-year-old wanted to stay there for the night and have a slumber party with dad. BECAUSE AH was not drinking (and I know him pretty well and knew had had to be up for work this morning and was not at all likely to drink), I said yes. I had the job interview early this morning so I took my toddler home to get an early night. I got a text from my mother at around 10 PM while I was trying to sleep, asking how it was going. I told her well, and I told her he was staying the night with his dad. This what she texted:
"I don't understand. I know what I have to say doesn't matter and you have your interview tomorrow. So there's no point in me saying anything." It's late and you need sleep. Love you."
So I pressed her, and she said:
"I don't understand why you would have __________ staying the night with his dad right now. You moved out for a reason. He is ill. I know you will say he's fine and there is nothing to worry about."
The thing is, I live two mins away from AH. I can't just keep his kids from him unless I have grounds to do so. When he's actively drinking, I will 100% do what I have to do to keep him away from my kids (I work in the legal field and know plenty of family law attorneys). I am trying to make this transition easy on the kids, and of course I have anger toward AH, but I am trying to be nice and polite in front of the kids, and AH is doing the same, so that it goes as well as it can under the circumstances.
I fully expect AH to go on a binge once his mom goes home and he's on his own. I have lived with him for 7 years, and I can tell within 2 seconds of talking to him whether or not he's been drinking. I have so much going on that I can't handle a custody battle at this moment, and as AH has never been abusive to our kids, I don't see why I should tell them (or why I'd have a legal right) that they can't see daddy. It's literally been two days since I moved out, and this is all very new. I can't see the future - it may get very ugly with AH, I don't know yet. I just feel kind of offended by my mother, because I have always tried to do the best by my kids. Anytime AH has started drinking, I've removed us from the situation, and now I've permanently moved us from it. I think I'm doing ok, and I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I feel like she doesn't trust me and maybe I'm wrong but I just feel like telling her to go away for a bit. lol I also don't always trust her judgment, because she just asked to take our son with her on a trip for six days, after he was just visiting them this weekend. I think what he needs is to be with mommy and adjust to the new place. Sorry I'm rambling....
Am I way off here?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Emmy,
Here's how I see it... Sometimes we do things that seem mysterious to others. That's a fact. You are the only one who has all of the details of the situation, so you are the only one who can make the decision. That doesn't mean it will be apparent to anyone on the outside that your decision was reasonable (even if it was).
I do agree with your Mom that you are playing with some mixed signals though. It's a tricky situation with kids (and not one that I'm qualified to comment on), but I would seriously consider reducing further trips to his house just to pick up more stuff. At some point, it is clearer for all of you if you just go to the store to get more things. It was eminently frustrating for me to do that when I knew there was a version of the thing I wanted at my old home (that he probably didn't even know was there!), but it was not helpful for me to think of that stuff as mine anymore once I moved out. All it did was bring up more opportunities for heart-felt talks and coercion toward his way of thinking.
My XAH also wanted to be super helpful and do things for me so that he could prove to me that he was instantly good and functional again. When I didn't bite, he became super helpful to my parents. They did take him up on it, and then tried to convince me that he was really a changed man. Yup, it's definitely difficult to take the advice of those that are only seeing a one-dimensional problem.
It seems to me that some more boundaries might be helpful for you right now, like... I will not read or respond to texts within 30 minutes of going to sleep. And... I am moving out to reduce my interactions with AH. To that aim, I will fix up my apartment myself, call a friend or hire it out to be done. (<-- take what you want and leave the rest)
Great job on your interview, by the way! I'm crossing my fingers for you!
Fathom
Here's how I see it... Sometimes we do things that seem mysterious to others. That's a fact. You are the only one who has all of the details of the situation, so you are the only one who can make the decision. That doesn't mean it will be apparent to anyone on the outside that your decision was reasonable (even if it was).
I do agree with your Mom that you are playing with some mixed signals though. It's a tricky situation with kids (and not one that I'm qualified to comment on), but I would seriously consider reducing further trips to his house just to pick up more stuff. At some point, it is clearer for all of you if you just go to the store to get more things. It was eminently frustrating for me to do that when I knew there was a version of the thing I wanted at my old home (that he probably didn't even know was there!), but it was not helpful for me to think of that stuff as mine anymore once I moved out. All it did was bring up more opportunities for heart-felt talks and coercion toward his way of thinking.
My XAH also wanted to be super helpful and do things for me so that he could prove to me that he was instantly good and functional again. When I didn't bite, he became super helpful to my parents. They did take him up on it, and then tried to convince me that he was really a changed man. Yup, it's definitely difficult to take the advice of those that are only seeing a one-dimensional problem.
It seems to me that some more boundaries might be helpful for you right now, like... I will not read or respond to texts within 30 minutes of going to sleep. And... I am moving out to reduce my interactions with AH. To that aim, I will fix up my apartment myself, call a friend or hire it out to be done. (<-- take what you want and leave the rest)
Great job on your interview, by the way! I'm crossing my fingers for you!
Fathom
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Not sure what to advise but want to say well done on all you've achieved so far. It's all a step in the right direction.
I would say that not all people (including your Mum) understand your situation & the choices you make must be your choices.
Hang in there & good luck with job.
I would say that not all people (including your Mum) understand your situation & the choices you make must be your choices.
Hang in there & good luck with job.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Emmy (((hugs)))
It's likely that your mom is worried about you and the kids and doesn't know what else to do. Her son in law is an alcoholic, has recently choked her daughter with her grandsons in the house (not sure if she knows that part?), had a coke-seizure, has been arrested multiple times in the past, etc. Although you've been able to predict somewhat how he'll be in the past, his brain is unstable and there is no way to guarantee how he'll be on any given day.
Asking to take your son on a 6 day trip with her is maybe trying to help in some way. If you think it's best for him to be home with you, then just say 'No' and maybe 'thank you, some other time'. No is a complete sentence. It's fine to say to your husband and sons also. You're making great progress. Just keep taking it one day at a time.
You don't need excuses or to explain yourself.
It's likely that your mom is worried about you and the kids and doesn't know what else to do. Her son in law is an alcoholic, has recently choked her daughter with her grandsons in the house (not sure if she knows that part?), had a coke-seizure, has been arrested multiple times in the past, etc. Although you've been able to predict somewhat how he'll be in the past, his brain is unstable and there is no way to guarantee how he'll be on any given day.
Asking to take your son on a 6 day trip with her is maybe trying to help in some way. If you think it's best for him to be home with you, then just say 'No' and maybe 'thank you, some other time'. No is a complete sentence. It's fine to say to your husband and sons also. You're making great progress. Just keep taking it one day at a time.
You don't need excuses or to explain yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
EmmyG. I feel like months ago I was in your shoes trying to manage drop offs and welcoming the goods and the bads of our split. Fast forward I could have never imagined how he could put himself in the hospital for over a week! Follow your senses ... If he starts to show he can't take care of himself ...he is not providing a good environment for the kids. I have learned too slow kids thrive in a predictable home. (Maybe not perfect but predictable)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I can understand your mother's concerns!! This man hurt HER child (you) and doesn't trust him. Addiction/alcoholism is progressive. He may be dry but he still has many, many issue that have not been addressed.
This article was very helpful for me. I want to share it with you as well.
Splitting: Making Breakups Harder To Get Over
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
This article was very helpful for me. I want to share it with you as well.
Splitting: Making Breakups Harder To Get Over
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
In addition, your mother received some very disturbing texts from him a short while ago. I don't think most people give an abusive alcoholic/addict the "he was drunk" pass that so many of us have become accustomed to giving.
That said, you're their mother, you get to call the shots but sometimes it's hard to see what is so obvious to others.
I would tell my mother "thank you for her concerns, i will give them consideration" and leave it at that.
I would tell my mother this if she were still alive, sadly she passed away a few years ago at an early age. It was after she died, my life began spinning out of control. I so desperately wish she was here to share her concerns although I am sure, at that time, I would have felt very similar to you.
That said, you're their mother, you get to call the shots but sometimes it's hard to see what is so obvious to others.
I would tell my mother "thank you for her concerns, i will give them consideration" and leave it at that.
I would tell my mother this if she were still alive, sadly she passed away a few years ago at an early age. It was after she died, my life began spinning out of control. I so desperately wish she was here to share her concerns although I am sure, at that time, I would have felt very similar to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry but I kind of agree with your mother...10 days ago, this husband had his hands around your neck, called you vile names, has been abusive for years.
now he is having a slumber party and you let him in to do manly chores? He knows where you live, he can come over drunk, he can and will disturb your household.
Has he gotten any professional help from a doctor or therapist?
You still seem very tangled up with his issues and gloss over what he really is. He is not husband of the year because he paid for the move he caused by being a crappy, abusive drunk husband.
congrats on a successful interview, I hope you get the job and do NOT allow yourself sucked back in to this drama papa.
now he is having a slumber party and you let him in to do manly chores? He knows where you live, he can come over drunk, he can and will disturb your household.
Has he gotten any professional help from a doctor or therapist?
You still seem very tangled up with his issues and gloss over what he really is. He is not husband of the year because he paid for the move he caused by being a crappy, abusive drunk husband.
congrats on a successful interview, I hope you get the job and do NOT allow yourself sucked back in to this drama papa.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Emmy,
Please be safe. I personally fear that this partner of yours will turn on you. He lives 2minutes away and he's been in your new apt. What have you done to be sure you can call 911 and you can keep him out? Do your boys know not to let ANYONE - even Dad - in until you OK it? Do they know how to call for help in an emergency?
Have you retained a lawyer for your self?
Please be safe. I personally fear that this partner of yours will turn on you. He lives 2minutes away and he's been in your new apt. What have you done to be sure you can call 911 and you can keep him out? Do your boys know not to let ANYONE - even Dad - in until you OK it? Do they know how to call for help in an emergency?
Have you retained a lawyer for your self?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Your mom is being a loving mom and is concerned and I get it. But you are being smart to not give your AH the chance to allege youre "keeping" the kids from him. Youre not spending time with him right? Just the kids are? I think you like me are in a no win situation where you don't want to give him the chance to say you're alienating him from the kids but you also want to keep them safe. I think your plan to pay attn. to how he's acting and not have the kids stay with him if he's behaving oddly is a good one. I was terrified at first to leave my kids with my xAH but I realized finally he will let me know in his own bizarre way when he isn't able to safely be with them... Most of the time that works...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
While visitation is perfectly acceptable, I do think it is in everyone's best interests to have some sort of agreement in place before you go too far. It is important, now more than ever, to have extremely clear boundaries about stuff like this.
Your post sounds very "pink cloud"-like to me (on both of your parts) so I can see why your mom (who is outside of that & has an absolutely different POV due to recent events) is confused by your actions. It's been such a short time since your big crisis & it was VERY dramatic. He has shown you before that he has the ability to hold it together for periods of time so really, nothing has changed, right?
The spontaneous visitation thing is something that I had to put a stop to immediately when RAH (AH at the time) & I were separated. Not only was it giving him a position of power to come & go as he pleased with no schedule, but it gave DD (5 at the time) the same power over demanding to see Daddy when she felt like it (especially if she was angry with me) & left her vulnerable when his addiction kicked into high gear & he stopped showing up or just didn't feel like being responsible that day. And then you know who got her rage & fury? Me. Both barrels, 'cuz she was one hurting little girl. Like anvil said - your 6-yr old doesn't call the shots.
FWIW - I don't necessarily think DS6 taking a trip with your mom is such a horrible idea. If he's not showing signs of distress or having any kind of separation anxiety & she's talking about taking him to have some fun then, why not? Why not let him be silly & have fun & be 6 & get away from the stress if he has an opportunity to do so in a way that won't cause him harm? Now, if he's extra clingy these days & needing extra mommy-cuddling time then.... no, of course I would keep him close by.
Think this through though & answer yourself: Are you wanting him close because he needs it or because you do? Either way it's understandable, but I know it became important in my recovery to be honest with myself about stuff like this because it's easy to focus on the kid & martyr my Codie-self to her needs the same way I did with my qualifier. JMHO!
I hope you hear about the job soon, fingers crossed!
Your post sounds very "pink cloud"-like to me (on both of your parts) so I can see why your mom (who is outside of that & has an absolutely different POV due to recent events) is confused by your actions. It's been such a short time since your big crisis & it was VERY dramatic. He has shown you before that he has the ability to hold it together for periods of time so really, nothing has changed, right?
The spontaneous visitation thing is something that I had to put a stop to immediately when RAH (AH at the time) & I were separated. Not only was it giving him a position of power to come & go as he pleased with no schedule, but it gave DD (5 at the time) the same power over demanding to see Daddy when she felt like it (especially if she was angry with me) & left her vulnerable when his addiction kicked into high gear & he stopped showing up or just didn't feel like being responsible that day. And then you know who got her rage & fury? Me. Both barrels, 'cuz she was one hurting little girl. Like anvil said - your 6-yr old doesn't call the shots.
FWIW - I don't necessarily think DS6 taking a trip with your mom is such a horrible idea. If he's not showing signs of distress or having any kind of separation anxiety & she's talking about taking him to have some fun then, why not? Why not let him be silly & have fun & be 6 & get away from the stress if he has an opportunity to do so in a way that won't cause him harm? Now, if he's extra clingy these days & needing extra mommy-cuddling time then.... no, of course I would keep him close by.
Think this through though & answer yourself: Are you wanting him close because he needs it or because you do? Either way it's understandable, but I know it became important in my recovery to be honest with myself about stuff like this because it's easy to focus on the kid & martyr my Codie-self to her needs the same way I did with my qualifier. JMHO!
I hope you hear about the job soon, fingers crossed!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
"I don't understand why you would have __________ staying the night with his dad right now. You moved out for a reason. He is ill. I know you will say he's fine and there is nothing to worry about."
I think you're putting your child at risk. A man who is capable of doing what he did to you is capable of hurting his children as well. Been there, done that, have the therapy bills.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
EmmyG – guess after the great job you have done by moving yourself into your own place you really weren’t expecting so many to side with your mom. Please don’t feel defeated because you are NOT. We are all here to hear and learn healthy ways to approach life and healthy ways to deal with alcholics.
I think you are still walking on egg shells around the alcoholic and the alcoholic’s moods. Kind of teaching your little one to also walk on egg shells with everything based on how daddy is today.
Stability is what children of alcoholics needs, clear set boundaries and rules – not one day it’s ok to stay with daddy but next time it is not. Very confusing for a child to have things constantly change around when the alcoholic does.
Your mom see’s down the road where you are only seeing right now today. Please be patient with yourself and with her she really is on your side, she’s not against you.
Maybe having your 6 year old go away for a week gives you some time to adjust better to your new place and new job.
I think you are still walking on egg shells around the alcoholic and the alcoholic’s moods. Kind of teaching your little one to also walk on egg shells with everything based on how daddy is today.
Stability is what children of alcoholics needs, clear set boundaries and rules – not one day it’s ok to stay with daddy but next time it is not. Very confusing for a child to have things constantly change around when the alcoholic does.
Your mom see’s down the road where you are only seeing right now today. Please be patient with yourself and with her she really is on your side, she’s not against you.
Maybe having your 6 year old go away for a week gives you some time to adjust better to your new place and new job.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
your mother is being very considerate of your child's feelings and respectful of yours.
She seems to be able to see the whole picture and taking him for a few days with a stable Grandma to have a little fun will probably be good for him, make him feel special and safe. You cannot deny that your thinking and feelings are all over the place and it will also give you a breather with just one child to care for and still get settled in your new house.
I really hope that you keep some boundaries in place and not step back into the abuse. Your husband "hasn't been drinking for a couple of weeks"? How do you KNOW this? Just last week he was slurring and in his mama's Ativan daze. This is not recovery, it's trading alcohol for benzos. You said you know he will drink again when his mother (babysitter) leaves.
You have to get a stable routine in place for the kids to stop this insanity and not let your children witness any more of the physical and verbal abuse he heaps on you....What are you going to do when your son starts emulating that language (effing C***t) to his teacher if he is disciplined?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you can't ignore what he has done to you. Your family CAN see it, you have to face it.
I do wish that you can get some clarity by staying away from him. you can't be running over to his house every day and expect to feel nothing.
She seems to be able to see the whole picture and taking him for a few days with a stable Grandma to have a little fun will probably be good for him, make him feel special and safe. You cannot deny that your thinking and feelings are all over the place and it will also give you a breather with just one child to care for and still get settled in your new house.
I really hope that you keep some boundaries in place and not step back into the abuse. Your husband "hasn't been drinking for a couple of weeks"? How do you KNOW this? Just last week he was slurring and in his mama's Ativan daze. This is not recovery, it's trading alcohol for benzos. You said you know he will drink again when his mother (babysitter) leaves.
You have to get a stable routine in place for the kids to stop this insanity and not let your children witness any more of the physical and verbal abuse he heaps on you....What are you going to do when your son starts emulating that language (effing C***t) to his teacher if he is disciplined?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you can't ignore what he has done to you. Your family CAN see it, you have to face it.
I do wish that you can get some clarity by staying away from him. you can't be running over to his house every day and expect to feel nothing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I get what you all are saying, as hard as it is to hear.
I guess I’m just trying to make this go as smoothly as possible. The move was pretty sudden for the kids. They are asking about daddy all the time. He isn’t an everyday drinker (lately he’s been drinking more often, but it’s usually at a time when the boys are asleep or if he knows we’re going to be gone. Although I haven't seen/heard that he's been drunk since that last incident 2 weeks ago). So for them, it’s not a “Get us away from daddy” situation. To them, daddy is just daddy and they haven’t had to deal with “daddy acting weird.” That day two weeks ago when he was blind drunk early in the morning was when I knew I had to move us out, because I won’t subject them to being around it.
I am NOT spending time with AH, and he will not have access to my place. I’ve already started laying out boundaries for him. My 6-year-old does not run the show. He asked to stay with his dad because he had just been away at grandma’s, and his dad was about to leave for 3 nights on a work trip. Plus, it’s spring break for him. I’m not going to be letting him bounce around every night because he needs routine and I know that would be bad for him. I’m just trying to handle this transition. I have copies of documentation involving AH’s trouble with the law when drunk (DUI, drunk in public, ER records, etc.), and I will use it in a heartbeat if I need to do so to protect my kids. For now, I’m just working on keeping my own contact with AH to a minimum unless it involves the kids, and just letting him see them but keeping them with me most of the time and getting on a regular schedule. I have everything from the house that I need, so I don't need to go back. I haven’t spoken to AH at all for the last couple days, and I won’t speak to him until he gets back from his work trip, and that will only be by text to arrange for him to see the kids. Other than that, no contact.
If I have ANY problems whatsoever with him drinking around the kids, I will do whatever it takes. I get what you’re all saying though. And this morning when I woke up, and the boys and I had a very peaceful morning after sleeping great, I felt totally at peace not talking to him! I think it will get better and better.
I guess I’m just trying to make this go as smoothly as possible. The move was pretty sudden for the kids. They are asking about daddy all the time. He isn’t an everyday drinker (lately he’s been drinking more often, but it’s usually at a time when the boys are asleep or if he knows we’re going to be gone. Although I haven't seen/heard that he's been drunk since that last incident 2 weeks ago). So for them, it’s not a “Get us away from daddy” situation. To them, daddy is just daddy and they haven’t had to deal with “daddy acting weird.” That day two weeks ago when he was blind drunk early in the morning was when I knew I had to move us out, because I won’t subject them to being around it.
I am NOT spending time with AH, and he will not have access to my place. I’ve already started laying out boundaries for him. My 6-year-old does not run the show. He asked to stay with his dad because he had just been away at grandma’s, and his dad was about to leave for 3 nights on a work trip. Plus, it’s spring break for him. I’m not going to be letting him bounce around every night because he needs routine and I know that would be bad for him. I’m just trying to handle this transition. I have copies of documentation involving AH’s trouble with the law when drunk (DUI, drunk in public, ER records, etc.), and I will use it in a heartbeat if I need to do so to protect my kids. For now, I’m just working on keeping my own contact with AH to a minimum unless it involves the kids, and just letting him see them but keeping them with me most of the time and getting on a regular schedule. I have everything from the house that I need, so I don't need to go back. I haven’t spoken to AH at all for the last couple days, and I won’t speak to him until he gets back from his work trip, and that will only be by text to arrange for him to see the kids. Other than that, no contact.
If I have ANY problems whatsoever with him drinking around the kids, I will do whatever it takes. I get what you’re all saying though. And this morning when I woke up, and the boys and I had a very peaceful morning after sleeping great, I felt totally at peace not talking to him! I think it will get better and better.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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You might get advice from a lot of people to cut him off from any contact with you and the kids. Your mom might decide that is her recommendation.
But, when and if you get to the courts if you begin divorce proceedings, the courts will look at his rights to see his kids. Sounds like your doing the right thing to monitor the situation and consider his access to the kids, when he is sober.
That seems to be the situation for a lot of people on the forum who have X's with kids.
Amazing job moving out, and taking those steps forward! Whoohoo!
But, when and if you get to the courts if you begin divorce proceedings, the courts will look at his rights to see his kids. Sounds like your doing the right thing to monitor the situation and consider his access to the kids, when he is sober.
That seems to be the situation for a lot of people on the forum who have X's with kids.
Amazing job moving out, and taking those steps forward! Whoohoo!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by littlefish 
You might get advice from a lot of people to cut him off from any contact with you and the kids. Your mom might decide that is her recommendation.
But, when and if you get to the courts if you begin divorce proceedings, the courts will look at his rights to see his kids. Sounds like your doing the right thing to monitor the situation and consider his access to the kids, when he is sober.
That seems to be the situation for a lot of people on the forum who have X's with kids.
Amazing job moving out, and taking those steps forward! Whoohoo!
But, when and if you get to the courts if you begin divorce proceedings, the courts will look at his rights to see his kids. Sounds like your doing the right thing to monitor the situation and consider his access to the kids, when he is sober.
That seems to be the situation for a lot of people on the forum who have X's with kids.
Amazing job moving out, and taking those steps forward! Whoohoo!
I wish I could just cut him off completely and forget he exists, but I know we have to deal with each other when it comes to the boys. And I know the courts will most likely not see a reason to keep him from seeing the kids (had he been abusive toward them, that would be different. And if he ever IS, I will act immediately). He is able to keep his business going and makes good money, and generally keeps himself together, sometimes for months, until he binges. He swears he is not going to drink anymore (hah), but I expect him to go straight downhill once it sets in that we're gone and his mom is gone, leaving him with no company. I just need to get through this time, and I'm preparing myself for problems I may have in the future. He knows I have the upper hand, so he's made it pretty clear he's going to let me dictate things for now. But who knows what will happen? That could change. I can't predict his future behavior. He may stay the same, get worse, get better (unlikely). At least I am out of there, and I feel like I've gotten over the biggest hurdle. Any complications can be handled legally if necessary. I have lots of support in that area.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
You got out of there. Step 1. Just let that settle in. Let yourself breathe.
Let yourself get out of the fog. it does take time. everyone knows that. do the best you can and know you will start to sense how exhausted you really are and have been for so long when you finally let yourself relax.
everyone's notes have been really helpful to me too. you might not be there on a lot of them yet. but in a few weeks keep opening them up - because your gut knows it to be true but you have been through a lot and can't digest it all that fast.
You are strong.
Let yourself get out of the fog. it does take time. everyone knows that. do the best you can and know you will start to sense how exhausted you really are and have been for so long when you finally let yourself relax.
everyone's notes have been really helpful to me too. you might not be there on a lot of them yet. but in a few weeks keep opening them up - because your gut knows it to be true but you have been through a lot and can't digest it all that fast.
You are strong.
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