Upate and question about my mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
You got out of there. Step 1. Just let that settle in. Let yourself breathe.
Let yourself get out of the fog. it does take time. everyone knows that. do the best you can and know you will start to sense how exhausted you really are and have been for so long when you finally let yourself relax.
everyone's notes have been really helpful to me too. you might not be there on a lot of them yet. but in a few weeks keep opening them up - because your gut knows it to be true but you have been through a lot and can't digest it all that fast.
You are strong.
Let yourself get out of the fog. it does take time. everyone knows that. do the best you can and know you will start to sense how exhausted you really are and have been for so long when you finally let yourself relax.
everyone's notes have been really helpful to me too. you might not be there on a lot of them yet. but in a few weeks keep opening them up - because your gut knows it to be true but you have been through a lot and can't digest it all that fast.
You are strong.
I'm angry. Angry at him and every time I have to speak to him, I can't stand him even more. I even resent my parents for pressuring me to marry someone I barely knew, because they worried about what the people in their church would think. And I'm mad at myself for putting up with what I've put up with.
You have worked so hard at keeping things together. Of course you're angry. And probably sad. And a lot of other things. It's OK. They're just feelings. They can't harm you, no matter how uncomfortable they are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I agree whole-heartedly with merrygoround. Also, let's not forget that absent a protective order, you CAN'T stop him from seeing the children. And many judges won't let you keep your address a secret, either, absent a protective order. He has a right to know where his children are living, unless a court has decided it is a matter of your personal safety.
I totally get how mixed up your feelings are right now. Things will crystallize in the coming weeks and months. You have made so much progress. Be sure to celebrate and acknowledge that. Do your best to keep your blinders off where your AH is concerned, but don't let others bully you into subscribing to their attitudes, either. It is soooo hard to do that, especially for co-dependents. One step at a time, my friend!
I totally get how mixed up your feelings are right now. Things will crystallize in the coming weeks and months. You have made so much progress. Be sure to celebrate and acknowledge that. Do your best to keep your blinders off where your AH is concerned, but don't let others bully you into subscribing to their attitudes, either. It is soooo hard to do that, especially for co-dependents. One step at a time, my friend!
Here's another POV for you Emmy.... my sister has had 2 abusive, addict ex's & has had a child with each of them.
Every single time she has EVER needed help for her or the kids, I have been there. I have asked RAH to go out of his way to help her, I have helped her financially, changed my plans to accommodate babysitting, I have tried to protect my mother from my sister's drama to keep her from over-stressing about it. (she has a history of seizures & they tend to happen while she sleeps, not something we want to trigger when she has no control over the situation or the outcome.) I kept my niece 4-5 nights per week when she was 3-5 years old so my sister could finish school. While this is not necessarily healthy behavior on my part either, I couldn't stand the idea of NOT helping the kids.
Every single time things would settle down she would get complacent, loosen her boundaries regarding visitation etc & then it was always just a matter of time before the next event came along because she hadn't stood her ground. Every time she said stuff like "It was in the kid's best interests to have a healthy relationship with their dad..." & she "was just trying to be FAIR because he IS the child's father, after all..."
I got more than sick of being the one she ran to, the one who listened, the one to give rock-solid, honest advice based in reality only to have her effectively turn her back on all of it whenever it suited her.... until next time that is. And each time they reverted to old behaviors she would lose her footing because she would get so reliant on those good moments so quickly it was like she forgot how bad the bad really was. And she always minimized it - "things have been so good!.... I can't even remember the last time we had drama!" Ok, well, I do. Because it was just a couple of WEEKS ago.
I finally just started saying NO. I told her that while she could bend her boundaries I was no longer willing to - that she didn't have to live from crisis to crisis, this was a choice she was making... especially since this was all happening after they had separated/divorced, they were long past being in any kind of active relationship. (Although with one of her ex's, he took every positive interaction about the kid as a theoretical olive branch in their relationship & would get confused/violent when she'd have to keep restating that this did NOT mean they were getting back together, it only meant that she was encouraging him to have a relationship with his kid.)
While your situation is obviously different, I'll bet your mom & sister could relate to what I'm saying here - the details may be different, but the frustration of watching & listening to something like this ramp up & die down over & over & over is exhausting & infuriating when you are tired of seeing your loved ones getting hurt.
Every single time she has EVER needed help for her or the kids, I have been there. I have asked RAH to go out of his way to help her, I have helped her financially, changed my plans to accommodate babysitting, I have tried to protect my mother from my sister's drama to keep her from over-stressing about it. (she has a history of seizures & they tend to happen while she sleeps, not something we want to trigger when she has no control over the situation or the outcome.) I kept my niece 4-5 nights per week when she was 3-5 years old so my sister could finish school. While this is not necessarily healthy behavior on my part either, I couldn't stand the idea of NOT helping the kids.
Every single time things would settle down she would get complacent, loosen her boundaries regarding visitation etc & then it was always just a matter of time before the next event came along because she hadn't stood her ground. Every time she said stuff like "It was in the kid's best interests to have a healthy relationship with their dad..." & she "was just trying to be FAIR because he IS the child's father, after all..."
I got more than sick of being the one she ran to, the one who listened, the one to give rock-solid, honest advice based in reality only to have her effectively turn her back on all of it whenever it suited her.... until next time that is. And each time they reverted to old behaviors she would lose her footing because she would get so reliant on those good moments so quickly it was like she forgot how bad the bad really was. And she always minimized it - "things have been so good!.... I can't even remember the last time we had drama!" Ok, well, I do. Because it was just a couple of WEEKS ago.
I finally just started saying NO. I told her that while she could bend her boundaries I was no longer willing to - that she didn't have to live from crisis to crisis, this was a choice she was making... especially since this was all happening after they had separated/divorced, they were long past being in any kind of active relationship. (Although with one of her ex's, he took every positive interaction about the kid as a theoretical olive branch in their relationship & would get confused/violent when she'd have to keep restating that this did NOT mean they were getting back together, it only meant that she was encouraging him to have a relationship with his kid.)
While your situation is obviously different, I'll bet your mom & sister could relate to what I'm saying here - the details may be different, but the frustration of watching & listening to something like this ramp up & die down over & over & over is exhausting & infuriating when you are tired of seeing your loved ones getting hurt.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)