healthyagain

For some strange reason, I have always believed that my husband is being mean because of the alcohol in his system, but this weekend I discovered that this venom he is spitting around might simply be a part of him. Not drinking anymore does not mean he is in recovery. And it was super strange for me because this was the first fight we had without him being drunk. And you know what was different? Absolutely nothing.

He did not have anything for 4 weeks (and I truly admire him for this and he should be proud of himself) and now apparently wants me to encourage him to have another drink, which I am of course not doing. Just because he is in a super bad mood and ignores me for days, I will not tell him "why don't you have a beer?" and tell him to buy some.

So, he accused me of being controlling, being like his mother (now that one was way below the belt). Actually, he is free to do whatever he wants, and I so incredibly do not care anymore about his mood swings. I told him that he can drink if he wants to but that he does not have any right to expect me to be happy about it and to be around him when he does it. I also told him that if he finds me so controlling, he can get a divorce any time he wants (and I am super serious about this one). It is almost like he wants to go back to drinking but wants me to approve it first, and there is no way on earth that I am going to do that.

I am just not going back to the old life of having a stinky drunkard around me. Or he takes the responsibility or I'll be living alone.

resolute50

The battle he is fighting is not with you.
It is inside him.

He needs to "man up" and deal with his issues without taking it out on you.
And he doesn't need a mother,unless he wants a swift kick in the pants.

mauihope

I can relate to your post and I don't have much to offer except support. I am never quite sure what or who I am going to get and it seems to not matter if he is drinking or not. It is all so very confusing and frustrating. I'm working on me....that is all I can do and that is all you can do. Peace and happiness...

lillamy

That's a new one to me. You're controlling because you're not telling him what to do? *sigh*
I think you're response was right on the money.

healthyagain

I think I am "controlling" because I left no wiggle room for his addiction in MY life. He might be pouting again, but this is when I must not back down because of my selfishness and because I want his affection (which he did use to manipulate). If he does not want to talk to me, that is fine. And this is for his own good. I must admit that he is resisting the urge and does not hide alcohol. So that is a huge bravo for him.

lizatola

I can relate to this. My AH constantly whines about how I hold all the cards and expects me to make all the decisions regarding his life. Therefore, in his mind, I am controlling. But, in reality, he's given up control because he doesn't want to be responsible and needs someone to blame when TSHTF. If our son fails in school, he can point the finger at me and blame me for not homeschooling him enough in a certain subject, etc and claim, "I had nothing to do with it, it was all HER; she picked the curriculum, she got that awful tutor, quack quack".

He even asked me recently, "Have you given any thought to having ME move out." Umm, no, because we had left it as I was the one who was going to move out if the time came for it and he knew this. If he wants to move out, he's welcome to but it's not my decision to make for his life. Now, if he crosses a boundary (like drinking around me or our son in the home) then I may ask him to leave, but that hasn't happened and I am biding my time and he knows it. In that effect, I am controlling, when really what I'm doing is setting boundaries and protecting myself if need be.

Hammer

healthyagain -- heard ALL that crap and more. Same story, genders reversed.

Including the "controlling," "being her father," on and on.

First three months are expected to be nutzo. Often the first six. Now 15 months back from Rehab -- now we can go about about a week at a time -- before a Space Alien or something takes over her brain, and the crazy just falls out of her mouth.

Here is the take-away -- Long Road Ahead.

Pack a lunch, take a book or three, do YOUR Alanon Program. They may make it, they may not. Dunno if I / we will care by the time they do or do not get there.

healthyagain

That is exactly how I feel, lizatola. I am basically doing everything financially, making sure that bills are paid on time, that taxes are filed, that we have enough to pay off the loan. He does not even know the password for our bank account online. Do you think I am hiding this from him? No!!! He never bothered to ask and learn it! And all this control is actually nothing but burden to me! However, he did not mean this control! He never complained about this! I became controlling ONLY when I put my foot down and stopped ENABLING him, that is, when I clearly stated that I will not put up with this behavior, that I do not want to live in a sexless marriage, and that I am fully entitled to attention, affection, and intimacy (and I am not even THAT ugly), and that I do not want to compete with madam de la beer mug anymore. So he has been pouting for a whole week, but IS following my zero tolerance policy, for now. He looks as if someone very dear to him has died, but is really not drinking. And knowing him, that is pretty damn impressive.

But, I'll keep working on myself. That's for sure. Thank you for your replies and your support!