Can't build trust on little things
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Can't build trust on little things
If your AH is recovering - don't they want to prove that they can be upfront and honest? Why say that you are somewhere you are not? And then when directly ask about it - they snap not to monitor them or suggest they are not truthful?
I understand omissions, half truths and all happen to anyone. It just doesn't make sense to me to cover up the small stuff when you want people to trust you. And expect everyone to wipe the slate clean. If we aren't talking about alcohol abuse and all that is off limits -- what I am allowed to talk about keeps getting smaller and smaller?
background: separated since September and we have kids so we have to interact. since moving the drinking supposedly stopped but then it didn't and then it did then it didn't again. right now all is perfect but I am not buying it.
I understand omissions, half truths and all happen to anyone. It just doesn't make sense to me to cover up the small stuff when you want people to trust you. And expect everyone to wipe the slate clean. If we aren't talking about alcohol abuse and all that is off limits -- what I am allowed to talk about keeps getting smaller and smaller?
background: separated since September and we have kids so we have to interact. since moving the drinking supposedly stopped but then it didn't and then it did then it didn't again. right now all is perfect but I am not buying it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It is amazing what A's will lie about--stuff that doesn't even matter. Stuff that you wouldn't care about if they told you the truth. But still they lie. It is just insane.
You said you're separated but have to interact b/c of the children. Do you keep your conversations strictly limited to kid-related info? That's one way to minimize your exposure to his lying, simply don't talk about anything other than what you absolutely have to say regarding the kids.
Merrygoround, can I ask what you're doing for you? Are you involved in Alanon in order to help you detach from your A? The more the focus is on you, the less you'll know or care about what he is or isn't lying about, and the more sane you'll feel! His recovery is up to him, and believe me, you'll be able to tell if he's serious or not about it.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
You said you're separated but have to interact b/c of the children. Do you keep your conversations strictly limited to kid-related info? That's one way to minimize your exposure to his lying, simply don't talk about anything other than what you absolutely have to say regarding the kids.
Merrygoround, can I ask what you're doing for you? Are you involved in Alanon in order to help you detach from your A? The more the focus is on you, the less you'll know or care about what he is or isn't lying about, and the more sane you'll feel! His recovery is up to him, and believe me, you'll be able to tell if he's serious or not about it.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Thanks for the replies.
Honey pig I go only a couple times a month to alanon. I recently got a new job and am trying to have consistent nights for the kids. I definitely need to focus on me but after years at this only today do I realize... wow I don't know how else to be...pre marriage I was so opposite with my aspirations and direction... it is shocking to fall into this trap and realize I have been waiting too many months for what years prove otherwise.
Hopeful4 so true. This question should give an easy answer... yet here I am a fairly intelligent woman unable to break free.
I will, I trust I can, it just isn't easy. Friends don't necessarily understand. Thankful for people who have faced this and understands the bumpy road and horrible pot holes.
Honey pig I go only a couple times a month to alanon. I recently got a new job and am trying to have consistent nights for the kids. I definitely need to focus on me but after years at this only today do I realize... wow I don't know how else to be...pre marriage I was so opposite with my aspirations and direction... it is shocking to fall into this trap and realize I have been waiting too many months for what years prove otherwise.
Hopeful4 so true. This question should give an easy answer... yet here I am a fairly intelligent woman unable to break free.
I will, I trust I can, it just isn't easy. Friends don't necessarily understand. Thankful for people who have faced this and understands the bumpy road and horrible pot holes.
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