how do I turn off the caring??

Old 03-29-2014, 11:35 PM
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
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how do I turn off the caring??

Ugh. I feel like I'm going crazy, even though I know I'm not.

So I had worked up the nerve to talk to my AH tonight…about the fact that I know he's drinking again, that I know that he's been reading my email and texts on the sly (in an attempt to "get closer", I'm sure), the fact that I don't appreciate the lies or the sneaking, and that's it's time for him to go - and he just passed out in his favorite chair. Even though he's supposedly "sober" - like maybe I won't notice that he isn't?

I know I shouldn't care. And still, since November, he's done nothing but focus on my "mistakes" and missteps, and has totally glossed over his own (because, he says, everyone knows what his are, there's no need to talk about them). I'm definitely not perfect - have said and done things in anger and hurt that I'm not proud of the last few months - but I hate the fact that he thinks he can point a finger at me when his own behavior is so ridiculous. I know I shouldn't have anything to prove - but still, there's a part of me that really just wants to. Ugh - how do I get past feeling like this???
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:45 AM
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There will come a time for you when it is more important to be at peace than to be "right". It is up to each individual to own their truth no matter what anyone else says, and to resist looking to others for validation...yes, even our partners in marriage, our parents, our kids. Sending you strength and hugs.
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:55 AM
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I agree with SparkleKitty. You will reach a point where you are not so involved with him.

I think I am the only one with an extensive issue with my AH a pervert and I found out way later.
Once I discovered his filth it hurt so bad that it changed everything for me.

I could care less to talk to him now or even see him and as days go by it is better.

I slip back at times but have learned it's ok just keep going.

"I know I shouldn't care." This reminded me of when I tell myself im going on a diet, the first thing I think of is food and I then obsess with food lol.

We are not designed to be robots we have feeling and emotions but try to focus on that on you. Only you are getting hurt.
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:02 AM
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I could not and would not live with someone's mistrust and snooping in my personal information, so I can understand your irritation and anger.

But he will do what he will do and the only response is to change yourself and your response to his lies and other issues.

What things do you need to have as "givens" to live in peace with this person in your home?

Are you unwilling to live with lies and active drinking?
Are you unwilling to live with invasion of privacy?
Are you unwilling to accept constant criticism of your actions?

What consequences are you willing to enforce if these are unacceptable to you and he keeps doing them?
As SK says, it isn't so much about being "right" as finding peace for yourself.
What things need to happen for you to find / create it in this situation?
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:27 AM
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Pointing the finger at you, translates,

I am not taking responsibility for myself or my actions. He is simply living in denial and projecting all of his ugly on you.

It is perfectly ok to place value on YOU and your life.

I believe some self care is in order here, first place I would start, I admit I am powerless over the addict, his addiction, and life choices.

The need to control an uncontrollable situation will drive you off the rails.
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