is this wrong?

Old 03-29-2014, 12:38 PM
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is this wrong?

As most of you know I'm quitting my job and am almost done. BF and I worked out finances so I can take some time off and focus on my freelancing. I do plan to get some kind of mindless part-time job, but not for a month or two. Today I told him, "on April 11th I'd like you to start giving me $xxx (amount we agreed upon), and I'd like it every Friday, the whole amount that day. I don't want to have to ask you over and over again because it makes me feel weird."

Maybe I didn't say it in the best way, but I wanted to make it clear what I expect and when. He got irritated with me and told me to stop worrying and that everything would be fine. I do realize that I am projecting my own fears about not having money, but I also wanted to hash out exactly what we agreed upon.

I hate dealing with money, especially with loved ones. I just don't want to hear "I'll give you the rest tomorrow," and have to keep asking every week. I know he'll get over it and I need to be clear about these things, but now I feel bad. Did I handle it poorly? How else could I have said it?
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Old 03-29-2014, 12:43 PM
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Well -- I think maybe sitting down and looking at finances together so that he felt included might have been more palatable to him. But if you had already done that, I think making your expectations clear is perfectly fine.

Did he get upset because of how you said it or because of what you said?
I mean, if you had known upfront that he would give you the full amount for sure every Friday, you probably wouldn't have felt the need to state it -- am I right?
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Old 03-29-2014, 12:48 PM
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We went over it a few weeks ago. He gets paid on Fridays and he already gives me a certain amount of money. Pretty much every week it's less than what it's supposed to be and while I don't think it's deliberate, it's irritating. He can't write me a check because he doesn't have a checking account, so it has to be cash. I really didn't mean to sound like a jerk, but I wanted to make my expectations clear. Oh well.
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Old 03-29-2014, 01:25 PM
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if he cashes his paycheck, knows how much he owes you, but does not GIVE you that full amount....either he bombed remedial math or it IS deliberate. I think you stated your point of view just fine..and I think his reaction is a bit telling. nothing to do but wait til next Friday and see what he does!

good luck with the freelancing! i'm "supposed" to be working an article right now, but I keep stalling. grrr.
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Old 03-29-2014, 01:28 PM
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His pay goes on a prepaid Visa card so he has to go to the ATM to get the money. Which millions of people do on a daily basis, right? I am soooo fricking tired right now. It's clouding my judgment. I need to stop overthinking and take a nap. Going to a dinner party at 6:30 and I can't bow out because I'm bringing dessert.

Get to work, missy! That article ain't gonna write itself!
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Old 03-29-2014, 03:26 PM
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Is it possible to have part of his pay direct deposit to your account? Some companies allow for a split direct deposit.

Is there a reason he won't open a checking account for his paycheck deposit? Being able to bank online and transfer funds instantly is a good way to know where things are. He could either use a debit card or transfer funds to the prepaid card via that.
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Old 03-29-2014, 07:18 PM
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He can't have a checking account. He overdrew the last one he had too many times so now no bank will give him one. It will be fine. I think I'm just being overly sensitive because I'm tired and frazzled from wrapping up my job.

I can't wait to go on vacation next week!!
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Old 03-29-2014, 09:30 PM
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hmmmm . . . having quit your job and burned your bridges . . . (yeah, just joking . . . sort of) I have a little, just a little . . . ummm critique of your plan.

Yeah, I know. Should have spoke up sooner. BEFORE you quit. I know, I know.

But (yeah, here we go) Tradition 7 sayeth:

=================

Tradition 7: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

=================

AND this plan you have . . . has you relying on an Alcoholic?

Not like we are giving grades or anything, but you really do not want to be trading homework for review or anything, because I am going to be giving you an F on this one . . . .
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Old 03-30-2014, 06:17 AM
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Have to agree with Hammer on this one readerbaby-there is nothing more terrifying than relying on an alcoholic for financial support. Also, I've found the job market to be really tough. I'm still only temping but working hard to make it permanent. Is there any way to rescind and free lance in your spare time? It is the WORST feeling to be dependent.
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Old 03-30-2014, 06:40 AM
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If he isn't giving you the full amount promised NOW, what makes you think he will do it next week?
I think you are not being realistic with your expectations.
Get your own job/income keep your own $$ in your account, or you may be finding yourself very frustrated.
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:39 AM
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I have some rental property income every month, and yesterday I talked with a friend I used to babysit for who wants me to start helping her again for a little cash. I have money saved so it wouldn't be a dire situation immediately. I know I'm putting a lot of trust in my BF, but even if we weren't together I'd be doing this. Regardless of what I get from him I'll still be okay.

It's time to get away from this toxic job! I've struggled financially before and am no stranger to cutting corners. I know I'm taking a huge chance but I am not getting any younger. It will all work out somehow.
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
If he isn't giving you the full amount promised NOW, what makes you think he will do it next week?
I think you are not being realistic with your expectations.
Get your own job/income keep your own $$ in your account, or you may be finding yourself very frustrated.
He does give me the full amount, just usually not all at once. I have my own accounts and he doesn't have access to them at all. I've always taken care of myself and I don't really see that changing. Just need a little time off from the working world to bump my freelance work up a couple of notches. You guys all make good points and I appreciate your input! Thanks for caring.
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:13 AM
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Readerbaby...this is how I interpreted your post.

"I'm putting a lot of trust in my BF, "

Doesn't sound like trust...seems like control and expectations.

"I don't want to have to ask you over and over again because it makes me feel weird."
"Maybe I didn't say it in the best way, but I wanted to make it clear what I expect and when. He got irritated with me and told me to stop worrying and that everything would be fine. I do realize that I am projecting my own fears about not having money, but I also wanted to hash out exactly what we agreed upon."

Maybe starting this conversating by acknowledging that you have fears and voiceing thise fears to him. Then asking to revisit the terms of your agreement because of your insecurities. Useing a tone and laungage in a non judgemental way, may have come off as less accusatory, attacking to him? This is your project and and you chose him as your partner? If you didnt pick a good one, thats not his problem....

Good luck with your life change!
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:21 AM
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You're right--I'm trying to control the situation. We've talked about it several times and there's no need to go over it again. I was being obsessive (imagine that!). I've told him my fears and honestly I think he's tired of hearing them (lol). I just have to let go and work hard on what I want to get out of this. Thanks, involved. You always provide a fresh perspective.
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:32 AM
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Pretty much every week it's less than what it's supposed to be and while I don't think it's deliberate, it's irritating.
I don't think there's an iota of control in you requesting to have him pay you what you've agreed on on time. I'm pretty sure the landlord or the electrical company doesn't sit around wondering if they expressed things wrong and hurt your feelings if you don't pay your bills on time.
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Old 03-30-2014, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
He does give me the full amount, just usually not all at once. I have my own accounts and he doesn't have access to them at all. I've always taken care of myself and I don't really see that changing. Just need a little time off from the working world to bump my freelance work up a couple of notches. You guys all make good points and I appreciate your input! Thanks for caring.

Pretty much every week it's less than what it's supposed to be and while I don't think it's deliberate, it's irritating.

You are contradicting yourself, which one is it?
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:20 AM
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XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Mary pearl...an Al Anon speaker talks about working together as a team (with a lit of humor)..while leaving the outcome to your higher power...and letting the A have his consequences. If you have an agreement, you have to let him do it...or do it yourself...but dont bitch and try to control! If he doesnt pay and the cable gets shut off and he cant watch his fav show...who can he blame!
Q. What if you dont make yourself crazy worrying and making sure he pays all of it all at once on time!?!?!? (Panic)
A. I dont know! Lets wait and see! =( more will be revealed=serenity)
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:54 AM
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I think you're doing a brave thing and there's nothing wrong with giving this a shot. You're not being irresponsible by following your dreams - though I can imagine you're probably second-guessing things, and that's natural. A couple years ago I quit my job and traveled the world, without a backup plan or anyone to rely on for financial support. I had to get very creative but I also became extremely resourceful.

You can do this. I'd recommend though that it's important for you to plan on how you can make your own money. Don't put your survival in someone else's hands, you are just going to become more frustrated with your BF and also angry at yourself when things don't go right. You want him to give you $$$$ every week. That is YOUR plan, not his. He doesn't HAVE to give you a dime, and judging by history he might not be all that reliable.

Develop a backup plan. Better yet, view the $$$ from him as a bonus, as opposed to your financial backbone. Can you imagine if he quit his job to freelance, and then said he wanted YOU to give HIM $$$ every week and not be late? What would your feelings be about that? If you maintain control of your own finances throughout, you'll develop a huge sense of freedom and independence along the way, and challenge yourself while shooting for your dreams. You can do it! Good luck!
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Pretty much every week it's less than what it's supposed to be and while I don't think it's deliberate, it's irritating.

You are contradicting yourself, which one is it?
He gives me some of it Friday and the rest a day or two later. That's what's irritating about it. But today the full amount was sitting on the dresser and he said "Sorry I didn't get this to you on Friday." So I'm glad I said something. He might not have liked the way I stated it but he got the message.
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:49 AM
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Just so you know, his money is not completely supporting me, it's money for rent, utilities and living expenses. He couldn't give me anything for a long time because he didn't have a job. I have realized that my anxiety isn't really about the money he's giving me, it's about myself and making this freelance thing work for me financially.
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