itsmylifenow

I'm amazed at how cycles keep returning.

I work like crazy to get myself figured out. I have strong days when I know what I need to do and I stick to it. Then a moment of weakness comes around, turns into a whirlwind of more weakness and I feel stuck there.

xABF and I broke it off technically about a month ago. I wrote some long, drawn out post here about what I needed to tell him. Seems like a bunch of BS to me at this moment. Like who the hell did I really think I was making it sound like I was doing what I needed to do. Maybe I believed it at the time but doesn't feel like it now.

I decided last week I needed to go NC. Made it three days and then he contacted me. He wondered why he hadn't heard from me. Do you think I said, well xABF I've gone NC because I need to get over this relationship and move on?

Of course not! Why would I say that? Why would I let him know I'm trying to move past him? Probably because if he knew that he'd move past me. So, I didn't say anything.

We hang out - we have one of the most wonderful afternoons I've ever had just hanging out, being together and having fun. There was lots of affection and it felt like it used to.

Then I go to his house. He drinks a whole bottle of wine, talks through the whole movie we're watching and passes out on me.

I see him last night out with a group of friends and there's nothing. It's like we're a secret almost. There's none of his amorous ways. Those seem to be saved for when we're in private these days...when we were officially dating PDA was never an issue.

He's asking me if he said or did anything the other night that he didn't remember. And, I tell him no. I don't speak up right away about him passing out.

I'm trying to get his attention last night. Trying to find the affectionate guy that was there a few days ago. And, I'm doing just the most stupidest things. I invite him to stay over my house - but, he says it's easier to go to work from his house. I try and entice him with the thought of a shower before work and a nice breakfast. But, he doesn't give in.

I feel desperate and needy and clingy. And, I don't like it. It's making me do stupid, stupid things. I want to ask him what he's doing tonight...see if he wants to come over. See if he wants to go out. I am pushing...and pushing hard.

I need to walk away...I want to be with him...I don't need to be with an alcoholic....I want his love and affection...this constant back and forth is reeking havoc on my head and I'm sure my health....I really love being with him.

smh.....

9111111

For me life is a numbers game - you rarely only look at one car when buying a new one.
The way I understand you, guy and you are broken up, so how many guys are you seeing?
I love the time I invest in myself (think haircuts, shopping, self-analyzing myself and others to death and thinking in circles), but life is too short to not have fun - pamper yourself, be picky and have some great guys take you out for dinner or something fun. Enjoy the company, laugh with your friends about the crazy ones and see the ones you like for a second date. Spring is just around the corner

Chelsea1029

I think no contact makes it easier...can you block his number so he can't contact you. Or don't respond. I know it's easier said than done but time and space can really help your state of mind and ability to detach.

blake1989

hmm. no contact was my only path because I could see myself in the future going around and around with my ex in some postbreakup dance of death. Agree that no contact makes it easier, but it comes with a whole host of its own demons because the silence can truly be deafening at times. There is deep anguish in that finality. I miss her deeply despite everything she's done. Or more specifically, I miss times like you described - the most wonderful times hanging out with someone you love. I could have picked up the phone, answered any of my ex's many pleading emails, and jumped right back in the fire. The fire being amazing days followed by the blackouts that demolish all that love. As usual, I think 9111111 is onto something...

I am looking forward, when I'm ready, to being with someone who wants to watch a movie with me. Dinner and a movie is quite fine. Pass out and a movie......that's not something I'll be pining for

honeypig

Itsmylifenow, your name here says it all. It IS your life, and you don't need an alcoholic BF to make it or you complete!

There is a saying in Alanon about "going to the hardware store for bread." It is used to mean looking for someone to give you what they simply don't have to give. I think you're standing at that hardware counter right now and asking for bread...

What are you doing for yourself? Are you involved in Alanon or another group? Have you thought about other ways to keep busy, like perhaps volunteering or taking a class of some kind? It's spring, and there's a whole world unfolding out there, just waiting for you to explore it.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Katiekate

You have to listen to your head and not your heart, your heart holds all the lies.

He is who he is, your heart does not want to believe it.

Are you in counseling or going to al anon.

You have to make a commitment to your own healing, you have to shut doors you feel uncomfortable shutting, you need to build up your self worth again

Sweetie , we have all done this back and forth recycling, thinking, oh they get it, it will be different, it won't , he is in active addiction.

Only you hold the key to your own happiness.

izzyrose05

My heart breaks for you. I do understand so well the feelings you have. There is pain in NC and the finality of it all but it's will no longer be the crazy making abusive and destructive pain you are experiencing now.

Right now, you just take the baby steps. Get through the next hour..and then the next one after that.

Write down all of the horrible hurtful memories and read them aloud to yourself when you feel like reaching out.

The pain of no contact is a sadness, but a peaceful sadness and in a way a healthy one because I know and you will too, that you are finally doing the right thing for yourself.

What you are doing to yourself now will cause you to feel constant despair. Please trust us here.

Try again. Tomorrow is a new day. Start over and get yourself a support system of friends or family to lean on.

You can do this!!!

itsmylifenow

Yes, This.

I am as much to blame for staying in this relationship as long as I did with a guy who told me more than once he wasn't sure he wanted to be in one.

I saw the alcoholism. I saw what it did to him. I saw my part in it. Saw myself behaving in the same pattern I'd been doing for years.

I cowered instead of being strong.
I gave in instead of walking away.
I led with my heart when I should have listened to my head.
I gave everything I had when I should have held back.
I believed in love instead of trusting the truth before me.
I heard beautiful words when I should have watched the actions.
I continued when I knew it needed to be over.
I kept having hope something would change and wasn't seeing the reality that it never would.

Ultimately, the love and affection outweighed all of this.

My head is seeing all of this...but my heart is FEELING all the rest of it.

Even as I write this there is an internal struggle going on. His moments of - Don't give up on me versus he just stopped to see me because I asked him to. His need for my love and affection against his acting like I didn't mean anything to him.

It will all sort itself out, I just have to work on it.

amy55

I spent decades looking for Dr Jeckyl in Mr Hyde. (lol) They are one and the same person.

Chelsea1029

Amy55 - love this- I can so relate!