the fierceness
 

Some told me I will become angry when I get enough distance from my ex agf, distance from the violence, the abuse, the trauma, to see it for what it was. Unlike some of us here, I never had an angry conversation or even an argument with my ex. There were the blackout tirades, but I don't call that a 'fight'. And there were always profuse apologies that were so sad because she couldn't even remember exactly what she was apologizing about. I found it very hard to have feelings of anger towards her because I loved her so. This was the person I was going to marry. That past tense - I loved her - is even hard to say, because I pray for her recovery every day. Not because I intend to resume contact, but just because I loved her enough to let her go.

So both my parents get run over by a car. Changes your perspective a bit, even if you put up with a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse. Even if you got emails from your mom saying 'you were verbally abused'. By her. And now she's in a wheel chair.

I have lived in friends' apartments and hotels for over a month because of my sheer terror about my ex's arrest history, her interest in getting a gun, blackout statements like 'i'm going to go crazy one day and kill people, and i'm going to do it right', or 'i want you to know i'm capable of murder'.

At some point I thought back to when I turned 18. I'm 35 now. I went to the Marine Corps recruiting office in my home town and said I wanted to join the Marines. They wouldn't let me because I have a long history of asthma. My parents never knew I went. I looked for ways around it for years. After 911, my resolve was only stronger to be in the armed forces, and I sought a methacoline challenge from my doctor but he said there's no way I'd pass that for the military. I came to a peace that this is not my destiny.

So now, after all this, I am maintaining the no contact. There are the night terrors, there are the bad dreams about my ex driving drunk and dying, or showing up again. I don't know if she's done with me yet. But my point is there is a fierceness I didn't have before. I wish I could have served my country, but after all these tiring months, I've learned I must first serve myself. There is something that comes from no contact that gives you a core power. I've walked through the fire, and she can try to burn me again. But I am harder, better, faster, stronger.....

Hi blake.. gosh, I'm not sure what to say. I hear so much in your post, but I'm so glad to see the strength at the end of it. You're going to be just fine. You sound like a real upstanding sort of person, especially in your desire to serve your country. I think you have it right, serve yourself first, heal, then maybe find a way you can be of service to those who are in the military via charity or some other way. There are so many needs that you could find a way to fulfill when you're ready.
You've been through a lot. You will find your path.
Big ole (((hugs)))!

First, did you just quote Kanye West? :)

Second, I think Katchie is absolutely right. There are so many, many ways to serve your community and our country. I think you can be a volunteer firefighter if you're interested in that. If there is a will (the desire to serve) then there is a way. I think you're doing great, Blake. How are your parents healing? I hope they didn't have to undergo any surgery. Hugs to you!

Haaa you're awesome. I like to think I'm quoting daft punk but Kanye will do;)

Blake,

Ah. So you've got some history with your parents, at least your mom? Have you talked to your counselor about this?

Intriguing post.

Nicely written Blake. Your progress is inspiring.

Blake- You have been on quite a journey. Keep focusing on you it looks nice on you :
Go Team Blake!!!

Blake, do not buy into the Real Man BS of the Military.

That is kind of a bunch of Huah Horseshqt we just tell ourselves and those tolerant or silly enough to listen.

Guess I can talk some some sheet having done some time as a troop and O-type . . . but while I had some fun, and still have a shiny pair of shoes to show for it . . . (finally wore all my old boots out) . . . Some days (actually many) I think the Salvation Army does much more Service and Good for USA than the US Army. Goes the same for the jarheads, squids, and flyboys. (But I still think pretty well of the Coasties :) )

Like said above -- Fireman (or even better Paramedic) on a small volunteer fire department (did that for a couple years, too) Now THAT is some real service. Or help the Sally's (Salvation Army) -- they even run Rehabs. Lotta good stuff that does a lot of REAL Service.

As far as your girl --- If you hear any more, expect less and less over time. If you do not feed it, it will find a new source and target.

Great post Blake! Thanks for the update. You and your family are in my prayers.

Chin up, Eyes focused, Fierce Attitude! Move forward Blake, there are better things ahead....

Take Care.

Blake, I read somewhere that physical activity helps us to deal with trauma. Not sure if that's what attracted you to the army, but I'm glad that I got to trade my desk job for something way more physical for a while, after playing dual-diagnosis final level with exafriend.

Being "trapped" in an office while my body was still on "alert", and "thinking productively" while my mind was all over the place would not have worked for me at all.

I'm now back at the office, but doing a lot of running, yoga and meditation to keep the restlessness and anxiety in check. It got a lot better, and I just started looking at new places so I can stop living out of my suitcase ;)

You're doing a tremendous amount of good work, very painful but in the end rewarding, thanks for sharing it all with us Blake.

Katie

Great to hear you're still going strong Blake. It sounds to me like you've always wanted to serve and protect others/your people and are just realizing that you are one of those people. You are worthy of your service and protection. You sound like a lovely person. I suspect the anger is kicking in because the shock and panic are subsiding. For me anger has been part of a healing process and allowing myself to feel it and process it helped me let go. I've found, in my experience, many forms of trauma have similar stages of healing, whether it's been because of abuse, being conned by my ex, death of loved one, damage I've done to myself etc.

Pretty sad when you have to hide out for a month because you are afraid a crazy is coming after you. You are NOT on my side of the street, but your post was heartbreaking I am so sorry someone treated you like that for any reason. That is very scary. No matter what side of the addiction you are on, they both suck. Praying for you Honey.