merrygoround1

I moved out back in September and thought this will be temporary. My AH will listen to his family. Things were bad. The ups and downs began. I never believed my friend when she said it won't get resolved that quickly. How could she know once everyone set him straight and he said he was committed -that it wasn't enough? She was right. It went downhill.
So here I am again with an "R"AH saying he hit bottom and he is living a life sober...
Why am I surprised when it gets so bad again and then start believing that was his bottom and this time will be different? What would it take to say really this time is different? It will stick. 30,60,90 days? What shows he has changed?

Katchie

I wish I had some wisdom to share from experience, but Im so newly out of my denial I've yet to cross something like you've experienced. I have but I haven't with my new eyes, if that makes sense. My AH 'seems' to be doing well at the moment, but I know if could come crumbling down at any time, at least that is how I feel, so I just keep moving forward doing things for myself in the even he does fall off the deep end and can't keep control over his drinking. I live day to day doing what I need to do to be prepared all the while cautiously being optimistic. I don't know if I can live any other way and I wonder if there will ever be a time I won't feel I need to protect myself in this manner. I believe I've heard people say, and I've looked for this myself with my AH, that its not words you rely on from them, but their actions only. I imagine it is actions over a long period of time. Im sure someone with more experience will be able to answer this.
Im sorry for the feelings you have and hope you can find some peace of mind.

spiderqueen

Hi Merry-
Welcome to the forum - I hope you stick around and continue to post.

I have most often heard that one year of consistent sobriety, while working a solid program, is the gold standard for a prognosis of long-term recovery. Even then, there are absolutely no guarantees. Alcoholism is a chronic ailment that can be treated, but not "cured".

In my experience, after separating from my A last summer, things definitely got worse for him before they showed any sign of getting better (6 months). Then they got better - for a while (2 months). Then worse again (this past month). Now??? who knows.

I personally wouldn't even start "dating" my x again until and unless he had at LEAST a solid 6 months under his belt, and I would never live with him. Not even after a year sober. Probably never, with what I have learned and experienced first hand loving an alcoholic. Frankly, hope is fading for any kind of meaningful, intimate relationship.

Having said all that, everyone is different. Most importantly, YOU are different from everyone!! The best thing you can do is take excellent care of yourself; live your life, expand your horizons, do NOT hold your breath.
(hugs)

Ifnotforgrace

There is a difference between being "dry" and being sober.

When someone is working a program (us or them) it requires commitment. There will be meeting attendance, service work. Amends will be offered and change will be seen. Even then relapses can still occur. It is said the alcoholic is always one drink away from relapse. There are many slippery slopes especially in the beginning days of sobriety.

Words are just words and have no substance without action. Alcoholism stunts maturity and characteristics like responsibility, unselfishness, honesty must be developed. This can take a while to achieve, especially if the person came from an environment where these qualities are all but foreign.

All that being said there is alcoholism and then their is personality. Some people find out their partner was just a jerk from the onset who just happened to be an alcoholic, and that they had blamed or credited booze for causing situations that it only amplified.

I am with S-queen, All you can do is work on your own recovery (you too have been affected) and realize that time takes time. Trust is earned, not given and that your marital status is only part of who you are and your happiness is not dependent on it.

Worry has never changed an outcome and it is as futile to try and predict the future as it is to try and change the past. Peace is not having to know what will happen next. Take steps to be financially and emotionally independent and learn coping skills like detachment and you will be less influenced by the actions or inactions of others. We are powerless over another's actions, but we are not helpless and must be proactive in taking care of ourselves lest we become only a needy bundle of burden to others.

9111111

Time and his actions.

merrygoround1

I am thankful for each reply. What I have learned is my situation is not so unique even though his family repeats he is different as the pick things us and pulls everything together for him. He starts on a good path and I believe he can do it. He wants to rush to prove he has it all together and that is when I start to get suspicious again. I am learning to start living. Started a new job and keep kids going. There is such a balance so thank you for the reality checks to offset what I hear from him and his family.