How to deal with longing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
How to deal with longing?
I miss my A. I mean the good things. Then I remember the bad things and how you could not separate the two and how I just could not deal with the bad stuff.
Still I miss him and at times want to contact him just to ask how he is doing. That is a big no no. I do not want to experience that feeling of being walked over again. I just know that he will ask me have I gotten my head straight yet and then he will continue with the drinking stories and not ask about me at all and I probably end up wondering what it was that I thought I missed.
Any advice? What can I do to make the longing go away? So far I have just used getting busy by cleaning the house or just starting something to get my mind reoccupied.
It's only been a little over a month since I left him. And only 2 weeks since I told him to let me go and not contact me again unless he was sober and concertrating in staying that way.
Help! The whole Sunday I just kept thinking about that not getting in the way of God saying.
Now I'm rambling :laugh2:
Seriously, what can I do?
Still I miss him and at times want to contact him just to ask how he is doing. That is a big no no. I do not want to experience that feeling of being walked over again. I just know that he will ask me have I gotten my head straight yet and then he will continue with the drinking stories and not ask about me at all and I probably end up wondering what it was that I thought I missed.
Any advice? What can I do to make the longing go away? So far I have just used getting busy by cleaning the house or just starting something to get my mind reoccupied.
It's only been a little over a month since I left him. And only 2 weeks since I told him to let me go and not contact me again unless he was sober and concertrating in staying that way.
Help! The whole Sunday I just kept thinking about that not getting in the way of God saying.
Now I'm rambling :laugh2:
Seriously, what can I do?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Work on changing you AND your life.
Do the activities that you always wanted to do but didn't.
Start a new hobby or project that makes you happy.
Spend time with friends and family and those that you love, but also those that love you and treat you with TLC and love.
Join alanon and meet new friends that understand how tough this is for you.
Keep coming here! Amid all the serious topics, there's some with lots of humor that will make you smile.
What's that old saying about "the best revenge"? Can't recall exactly how it goes per words, but the meaning is to be successful, that's the best revenge that you could give your ex. Prove to yourself that you CAN do this without him, you WILL do this without him, and that you WILL be happier with your new life. And even if you don't do it for revenge.....do it for you. You'll be glad you did.
This is YOUR life Chess. Whatcha gonna do with it? Tell us about YOU!
Do the activities that you always wanted to do but didn't.
Start a new hobby or project that makes you happy.
Spend time with friends and family and those that you love, but also those that love you and treat you with TLC and love.
Join alanon and meet new friends that understand how tough this is for you.
Keep coming here! Amid all the serious topics, there's some with lots of humor that will make you smile.
What's that old saying about "the best revenge"? Can't recall exactly how it goes per words, but the meaning is to be successful, that's the best revenge that you could give your ex. Prove to yourself that you CAN do this without him, you WILL do this without him, and that you WILL be happier with your new life. And even if you don't do it for revenge.....do it for you. You'll be glad you did.
This is YOUR life Chess. Whatcha gonna do with it? Tell us about YOU!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
do things that make you happy. sounds easy eh? well.. think about it. most of us codies have no idea what makes "us" happy. for so long our happiness has been dependent upon their actions, their choices, their drunkenness or sobriety.
do something that makes you happy. for me. i went back to school and started on my masters degree. finals are tomorrow but so far... i have a 4.0. and that makes me happy. why? because it improves my mind, i meet people, i learn, i grow, i think.
each of us has to find "that one thing" but until we do. as my sponsor says... just do the next right thing.
do something that makes you happy. for me. i went back to school and started on my masters degree. finals are tomorrow but so far... i have a 4.0. and that makes me happy. why? because it improves my mind, i meet people, i learn, i grow, i think.
each of us has to find "that one thing" but until we do. as my sponsor says... just do the next right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
I've been separated two months now Chess and I also miss my AH. It was pretty bad at first, but it's getting better. Friends and Al-anon are life savers. Get out as much as you can to meetings, meet friends, etc. I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer (not much of an exerciser) to be sure I got into a routine. I'm down into my skinny pants now and much more toned. Now my AH just looooks at me when he sees me, while his friends tell him how hot I am and what an a** he is.
There's some revenge for ya! Feels good on you too.
Take care, and keep moving,
Alexia
There's some revenge for ya! Feels good on you too.
Take care, and keep moving,
Alexia
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 3
How very true that saying is...How much we are the losers when we don't pay attention to it!
I just wanted to add something else to this that has helped me get through the rough times, times of longing or of black frustration. I didn't know it when I was younger....maybe only time teaches it... the Chinese wisdom of "it changes."
It seems so simple, but I've found it profoundly true, and it helps me now to accept the negative feeling because I know I'm not locked into that feeling forever--or even for long--it will change as inevitably as the tides turn (no emotions are ever unchanging). No matter how overwhelming feelings of loss seem, they do change. And I've found that the more I've found things I love to do...things that fire me ...the more the loss and the bitterness start to recede.
It may be hard for us to know what we love to do, but listen for clues. It can be small every day things (for me not much beats sitting quietly sipping a foamy latte in the morning...OK, so maybe I'm shallow...) It can be the first few steps towards fulfilling some ambition...it can be something that might feel silly...but you know it when you find it.
I just wanted to add something else to this that has helped me get through the rough times, times of longing or of black frustration. I didn't know it when I was younger....maybe only time teaches it... the Chinese wisdom of "it changes."
It seems so simple, but I've found it profoundly true, and it helps me now to accept the negative feeling because I know I'm not locked into that feeling forever--or even for long--it will change as inevitably as the tides turn (no emotions are ever unchanging). No matter how overwhelming feelings of loss seem, they do change. And I've found that the more I've found things I love to do...things that fire me ...the more the loss and the bitterness start to recede.
It may be hard for us to know what we love to do, but listen for clues. It can be small every day things (for me not much beats sitting quietly sipping a foamy latte in the morning...OK, so maybe I'm shallow...) It can be the first few steps towards fulfilling some ambition...it can be something that might feel silly...but you know it when you find it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi,
Not much more I can add, do what you like doing.
I watched lots of movies, read,went to meetings, organized my own birthday party,went to the gym,hung out with my son,painted my house, and when I got those cravings just by-passed them.
Ngaire
Not much more I can add, do what you like doing.
I watched lots of movies, read,went to meetings, organized my own birthday party,went to the gym,hung out with my son,painted my house, and when I got those cravings just by-passed them.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
I left mine about two months ago. I had been pushed to the limit and for the first month I felt mostly relief that I just didn't have to deal with his drinking any longer. The second month has been harder because he has sobered up and is in treatment for 60 days and now he is very remorseful. He has been calling me and writing me and says it makes him feel better when he talks to me. I'm not sure how it makes me feel. I am very glad that he seems to be doing better but I know that I do better on the days that I don't hear from him. Sure, I miss the good things that we had between us but I find that I tend to focus on the reasons that I left him because I know that no matter how "healthy" he gets that I will never be able to trust him to stay away from the booze and all the disasters that accompany the drinking.
So, I guess my advice to you would be to keep busy with anything - hopefully some things that you really enjoy and try to keep the reasons in the front of your mind of why you left him. When you start thinking of how good it used to be remember that those times are in the past and you need to deal with how things are right now. You have an opportunity to start a new life if that is what you want. I am enjoying my new life even though it isn't always easy. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
So, I guess my advice to you would be to keep busy with anything - hopefully some things that you really enjoy and try to keep the reasons in the front of your mind of why you left him. When you start thinking of how good it used to be remember that those times are in the past and you need to deal with how things are right now. You have an opportunity to start a new life if that is what you want. I am enjoying my new life even though it isn't always easy. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
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