New and scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1
New and scared
I have Benn married to my AH for almost 13 years. He is currently in the IF I going through detox and dt's. He has been sedated about a week, bed a me very aggressive and hallucinating etc. Doctors are lo seeing the sedation and he should be awake soon. I am so scared, that he will be angry that I told doctors to keep him there no matter what they had to do (believe he would be dead otherwise). Mostly scared he won't go to rehab and get help. He also is a chronic pain sufferer. I am a huge enabler which I just started to realize. I do not have any al-anon meetings close to me so I haven't gone, but will try to do so soon. I just feel so alone even though some friends are supporting me. I know my husband has to want to get better, I can't make him. It's just so hard. How do you guys handle this? We do not have kids at least. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome, Dreamer. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. I've not been around AXH when he detoxed, so I don't have any words to offer on dealing with that. I just wanted let you know I stopped by and am reading. (hugs)
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hi dreamer, welcome to SR. 
How did I handle it? The trips to the hospital for trauma I did okay with because I kept thinking maybe now there was hope. (I was pretty much fooling myself there) The rest of the time? Not well and all too much on my own. I tried reaching out at times, but I was looking in the wrong places and asking for help in non-clear ways to people who didn't understand this disease, including quite a few doctors.
I started working on my own recovery. Eventually change really came when I completely gave it all up (emotionally, mentally and physically) and handed my alcoholic husband over to others to deal with.
My husband did wind up in rehab -- the day before he went in he was still trying to find excuses not to go and I just stayed out of it and left it up to him. 28 days later when he was out, I started to get a clue of how much harder things were going to get. He's going on 100 days now, but getting sober and working at recovery are two different things. As hard as this has been for us, he's never been physically aggressive. I recently realized he has been emotional abusive and I've been suffering from that for a long time. Now that I realize it, I'm starting to take charge of my own life and recover.
The best places to find help are from those who specialize in addictions. Call, ask questions, find resources. Not to save him - as you realize, that's his own job, not yours - but to start learning how to find help for yourself.
I'd suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum, including all the ones on abuse. I never thought abuse applied to us. 9.some years after joining here, I finally realized it does. Stick around. Keep posting. Take what helps and leave the rest.
Good luck with getting to some Alanon meetings. It's invaluable to have in-person contact with others who understand what you're going through. You might also check to see if there's a Celebrate Recovery in your area. You may need to call local churches to ask. We have two locally and neither are listed online. (((hugs)))
How did I handle it? The trips to the hospital for trauma I did okay with because I kept thinking maybe now there was hope. (I was pretty much fooling myself there) The rest of the time? Not well and all too much on my own. I tried reaching out at times, but I was looking in the wrong places and asking for help in non-clear ways to people who didn't understand this disease, including quite a few doctors.
I started working on my own recovery. Eventually change really came when I completely gave it all up (emotionally, mentally and physically) and handed my alcoholic husband over to others to deal with.
My husband did wind up in rehab -- the day before he went in he was still trying to find excuses not to go and I just stayed out of it and left it up to him. 28 days later when he was out, I started to get a clue of how much harder things were going to get. He's going on 100 days now, but getting sober and working at recovery are two different things. As hard as this has been for us, he's never been physically aggressive. I recently realized he has been emotional abusive and I've been suffering from that for a long time. Now that I realize it, I'm starting to take charge of my own life and recover.
The best places to find help are from those who specialize in addictions. Call, ask questions, find resources. Not to save him - as you realize, that's his own job, not yours - but to start learning how to find help for yourself.
I'd suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum, including all the ones on abuse. I never thought abuse applied to us. 9.some years after joining here, I finally realized it does. Stick around. Keep posting. Take what helps and leave the rest.
Good luck with getting to some Alanon meetings. It's invaluable to have in-person contact with others who understand what you're going through. You might also check to see if there's a Celebrate Recovery in your area. You may need to call local churches to ask. We have two locally and neither are listed online. (((hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Also: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support 1-800-799-7233
No matter the level of aggression or anger on his part, whether in looks, moods, silence, words or anything else, whether he's detoxing, drunk or sober, it is not right, it's NOT okay. If you fear dealing with him, call, talk to someone here. They can help you sort things out. My biggest problem was recognizing the emotional abuse that was going on and realizing that I needed help. My thinking was "it's nothing, it's alright, I can handle it..."
Never be afraid to call the hotline or 911 or the sheriff's office/police department over something you think is too small or too trivial. Learning how to reach out for help is a necessary skill. Thinking you can handle things on your own is a part of their disease and a big part of codependency also. It's a huge lie that we tend to believe. If we continue to reach out for help, we will find it somewhere. NOTHING is too trivial when we're not able to talk rationally with the ones we love. Why can't we talk rationally with them? Because it's alcoholism. It's a physical, chronic, progressive disease that changes the brain.
There's also a 12 step support forum here at SR for friends and family.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...riends-family/
No matter the level of aggression or anger on his part, whether in looks, moods, silence, words or anything else, whether he's detoxing, drunk or sober, it is not right, it's NOT okay. If you fear dealing with him, call, talk to someone here. They can help you sort things out. My biggest problem was recognizing the emotional abuse that was going on and realizing that I needed help. My thinking was "it's nothing, it's alright, I can handle it..."
Never be afraid to call the hotline or 911 or the sheriff's office/police department over something you think is too small or too trivial. Learning how to reach out for help is a necessary skill. Thinking you can handle things on your own is a part of their disease and a big part of codependency also. It's a huge lie that we tend to believe. If we continue to reach out for help, we will find it somewhere. NOTHING is too trivial when we're not able to talk rationally with the ones we love. Why can't we talk rationally with them? Because it's alcoholism. It's a physical, chronic, progressive disease that changes the brain.
There's also a 12 step support forum here at SR for friends and family.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...riends-family/
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