EmmyG

Today is my moving out day, pretty emotional. I texted AH and basically told him that since we're not legally separated, I still see us as married and I won't be intimate with anyone until we are officially separated because that's how I personally feel about it. I told him that because I want to be clear, and if he is going to be doing that, he needs to say it. This is the response I got:

"I'm not fu***** anyone. Yet you keep accusing me of doing it or that I'm going to do it. I am contacting a solicitor and filing for divorce myself. You can f*** off. You are manic and paranoid so you better go and see a doctor to sort yourself out."

Now I'm crying. Why does he have to be like this. It's a huge step to even move out, I'm trying to adjust to everything. It's really hard.

CodeJob

Emmy,

You have made tremendous steps in the past few weeks. Tremendous.

So get through today. It is an emotional day. Move out.

Later you will realize there was no reason to clarify with your soon to be X that you aren't going to sleep around while still technically married. You poked him a bit I think and he poked back?

Fandy

if you keep picking at the scab, you just get an infected wound.

really, don't provoke him, just move out and let him be with himself and his mama.

I don't think that either of you are ready to jump on the dating circuit at this time.

ichabod

Because what your heart wants and your head knows are completely different. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I know that the first and most important step in any breakup is severing the lines of communication. I know you can't completely because of the children but don't talk to him unless you have to about them and better yet do it through email so you'll have records.

You are doing great! Don't expect your emotions to always make sense because they wont. Focus on you and the kids, understanding that as always he will do what he will no matter what you say.

Florence

When you're in a more peaceful place, IMO I would consider what you were looking for here. In my experience, good boundaries are for you and don't need to be shared with anyone else. Like this: "since we're not legally separated, I still see us as married and I won't be intimate with anyone until we are officially separated because that's how I personally feel about it." That's a YOU boundary, because you can control this 100% without his input or agreement.

Now this: "I told him that because I want to be clear, and if he is going to be doing that, he needs to say it." Why? What need does this satisfy for you? What were you looking for?

Something someone said to me here on SR that really helped me figure out how to cope and whom to lean on was that I should stop going to dry wells looking for water. If I am thirsty, I need to go places that have water. I need to stop going to places where they advertise water and don't have any (STBXAH and my mom). I had to build a Team Florence that was independent of people who also abused me.

Another thing someone said to me here is that as codependents we're always looking for the people who harm us to be the people that heal us. Once I grasped that -- the people who harm me are inherently not the people from whom I will feel healing thoughts and healing feelings -- a lot about my life became very clear.

lillamy

Florence said "don't go to a dry well for water."
Another way it's said is "stop going to the hardware store for bread."

Listen -- I'm like you. I don't like conflict. I want everyone to sit down together at the end of the day and sing kumbayah by the campfire.

It ain't gonna happen.

There's a reason you're removing yourself from this man's life. Don't expect him to mirror your emotions just because you've spent a marriage mirroring his. Don't expect him to care more about your feelings now than he did when he beat you and tried to strangle you.

Remove yourself. Go no contact. Heal yourself. He won't do it for you. Unless he heals himself, he will only continue harming you.

And you are too flippin' awesome to put up with that. Because you're worth loving. And if he can't do it, there's something wrong with him. Not with you.

honeypig

Emmy, I'm sorry you're feeling bad today. As others have said, it's a tough day, and a really emotional one. Once you get this behind you, it's bound to start getting better.

I just wanted to comment on what I bolded from your post above. It reminds me an awful lot of a conversation I had w/my brother recently regarding a friend of his who he was having a lot of issues with. He kept telling me how he emailed her and posted this and that on FB b/c he "wanted to be clear" about what was going on. It sounded to me more like he wanted to be right than clear. In the end, things did not work out well.

Now, I'm not saying that's the situation here, but really, since you're splitting up, it's neither his nor your business who each other may be sleeping or not sleeping with, is it? So he doesn't need to know your plans regarding sex, and he certainly doesn't owe it to you to tell you what his plans are in this area. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it's accurate...someone above said that you poked him, and he poked back. I fear that's exactly what happened. You'll probably do better if you have as little contact w/him as you can, and if you keep that contact to necessary matters like kids or finances.

Again, I don't mean to kick you when you're down, Emmy--just that you might want to examine why you felt you needed to contact him w/that information in the first place.

Wishing you strength and peace!

AnvilheadII

moving out day and you wanted to check to be sure this was for real - maybe he'd respond back saying all the right things and it would all magically be better and wonderful. you still wanted to have SOME control over this...ok, we are split but we are still married and you don't get to have a dating life.

go with the response you did get. dude is STILL a complete @ss. with lots of anger and rage towards you. he is dangerous. he's a gun ready to fire, QUIT HANDING HIM BULLETS.

EmmyG

Thank you guys, you're exactly right! Guess what - I left the new apartment, on my way back to work, and I get a phone call. It's the HR woman I interviewed with for the federal court position (working for a judge, super exciting for me, great benefits, and enough money to take good care of my children on my own if need be). She said the judge would like to meet with me next week! SO exciting! I know this is the right thing, and I'm getting myself back.

HopefulinFLA

Because sick people who are hurting tend to lash out and hurt you back. It's just what they do. So many As are really just wounded birds trying to medicate themselves.

EmmyG

That's how I tend to see him, and I know it's true. He's not happy and he doesn't enjoy being this way, but he won't get help.

lillamy

Ooooh good luck on that job opportunity!!! That sounds great!

HopefulinFLA

It's kind of like treating a broken arm with a pain pull, it will feel better until the drug wears off, but what's really needed is a trip to the ER and a cast.

It's very frustrating I know, but they do have choices.

EmmyG

Something that has really stood out to me lately is the idea of letting the A feel pain, and feel the consequences - I have been standing in the way of his feeling his pain for a long time, thinking I was helping.

Missus

Wish I could have read this thread years ago.

Specially this bit:

suncatcher

Hi Emmy, I think you are mourning the loss of what you have known to be familiar for so long. Even if it wasn't all good its all you have known. Now you are making a drastic change and change is scary, even if it is for the best. Maybe you felt the need to tell your h you wouldn't be with anyone new so that you could still hold on to the familiar and feel safe. It's natural to be afraid but let yourself mourn the loss of what was and give yourself time to adjust to your new place and your new life. Things will fall together and you will have space you need to sort things out and work on you. Keep posting

suncatcher

One more thing , I was in a slump for a while when I moved an hour away from my x. Someone on here posted a song called "Put your Records On " it pulled me out of my slump a little and I thought I'd pass it on listen to your favorite music and make your new place your happy place hugs to you.

theuncertainty

Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWQl...p&noredirect=1

suncatcher

Thanks for posting that uncertainty! I was going to post the link but I'm on my cell phone

LoveMeNow

IMO, that's a lie we tell ourselves. That lie kept me hooked. The pity, the compassion, the empathy..... I have heard many addicts/alcoholics say there were very content feeling no pain.

He has to hate and blame you, who else can he blame? Certainly not himself, not at this time, maybe never.

Congratulations on the your pending interview. IMO, that's God's way of opening the doors for a happier, brighter future. There are no coincidences in life, this happened today for a reason.