Chelsea1029

This really made me think...I have been telling my self for so long AH is depressed, anxious, etc...to rationalize his behavior but in reality he may be very content. Somehow this makes me feel better and you are right the blame won't go on themselves.
Emmy- take care of yourself. Maybe you had a weak moment and contacted him...just learn from it and keep moving forward you are doing great. I'm happy for you that you have a new job prospect!

Fandy

Don't let ANYTHING get in the way of this....this is a ticket to a new life of independence. Because, there WILL come time when he will lose his job, have no $$ for child support and shirk his responsibilities as he continues to sponge off his mama.

working in the federal court system will give you friends who can guide you to a life of sanity and security. Benefits, paid leave, security and a government pension for later.

being independent means a lot to your self esteem and opens doors. You don't NEED him. You have yourself and your great kids.

theuncertainty

I have to say, I think one of the few honest things AXH said during our divorce hearing was in response to the judge's question about why he was drinking: I don't know to hide. (Hide what?) I don't know, just, hide from the world.

iamthird

I understand what you said Emmy because I said the same thing to separated AH as well and to this day I havent been with anyone else in a year and a half because we are still legally married. Sadly, we are moral...but they are not. If marriage meant anything to them, you and I would not be where we are today.

Next time you want to engage with him, come on here...post on here. Any contact you have with him can only leave you open for more new hurts. Keep it minimal. You need to do that for self-preservation...

izzyrose05

Darling, your STBXAH is the SAME man as my XABF. Mine said the same exact crap to me. And always after I sent some olive branch to see if he could respond like an adult or show some glimmer of the man I knew and loved.

The verbal abuse cuts you like a knife. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep it in perspective. PLEASE remember his denial and the blame game that goes along with his illness.

His words mean nothing. They come from a man who is so deep in denial that his entire reality is distorted.

I am reading everything I can on codependency. I'm addicted to my obsessive thinking about him the way he is to alcohol. I don't know if that's you, but everyone is right in here. Get yourself surrounded by a strong support system. People you can call and who will listen and get you through it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this my dear. Lots of hugs. Keep moving forward even if it's baby steps.

Glad you are posting. This forum has saved my sanity more than once.

Wisconsin

Emmy, I am THRILLED for you about your job opportunity! After a dozen years in the private sector, I got a government job about a year ago, and it has been a HUGE part of my personal recovery. It is demanding, but very rewarding for me. The benefits are amazing. The level of appreciation for my skills and talents is wonderful. I am finally, FINALLY surrounded by people who share many of my attitudes and priorities. After so many years of feeling marginalized and unappreciated and abused in law firms, finally finding professional satisfaction has been nothing sort of a miracle for my self esteem and world outlook. I want all of those things for you, too!

Keep us posted!

suncatcher

Firesprite, I think it was you that posted that song and it really lifted my mood! I hope it does the same for you too, Emmy.Also, good luck on the new job opportunity! Positive things are beginning to happen for you...keep looking up!

Fandy

When I first got divorced I accepted a job in state government. I was 30 years old with a 7 year old. I had all the school holidays off, full insurance and dental for both of us until she turned 26. ( when I retire it is free for life along with $10.00 scrips, even for $500. Meds). I now have 6 weeks vacation per year, 12 holidays, 12 sick days ( which carry over to accumulate, I now have 28 weeks of sick time if I ever need it). We are unionized, so there is job protection and my pension will enable me to live normally.
I only mention this because if Emmy will get this type of job and benefits, her sense of financial security will help tremendously.

Hawkeye13

Yes--working for the state in a unionized situation has changed my life incredibly.
Where I live there are few jobs and things close all the time.
Having good medical coverage and security has been wonderful.

hopeful4

O Emmy, it is so hard and I know it! You are going to be just fine.

I am so excited for you about the job interview, I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!

Tight Hugs!

MissFixit

Congratulations on the interview!!!!!

LightInside

Hi, Emmy! Congratulations on the interview and good "luck." More importantly, I wish you a sense of major confidence in yourself.

I see so much of myself in the feelings you are feeling and that desire to reach out to the person who is no longer there. I am so glad you're moving out right away. I had to wait about 6 months after my break up before I could move (at first I refused to leave the house, but then I realized it was bad for me to stay there). During those 6 months, my X was couch surfing and he was so mad at me about it. I had to do a lot of detaching from the mean things he would say in texts to me. Moving day really reopened my wound and he was very impatient with me that day, saying mean things that really pulled my specific emotional triggers. They know what gets to us and they use it.

Anyway, know that you are a good person, worthy of being loved and appreciated. You just have to detox from him. It takes time.

I don't know if I agree that saying A's are unhappy is a lie we tell ourselves. They may be content to be anesthetized, but underneath the unhappiness grows. I don't think they really want to be that way. I know my X didn't really want our relationship to "fail." I know that at one point,a few months before the break up, he made it very clear to me that he wanted to do right by me and our son, to provide for us and protect us. I KNOW he meant this. In the end his disease won. He might be very "happy" moving in his best friend/drinking buddy to our family home, seeing his son only once a week and blaming that on me, going out all week, spending lots of money on clothes and records, "finding himself;" but he is angry and doesn't like some of the consequences he has faced.

I just had a conversation with my sponsor about this yesterday, because I was saying, "He chooses not to get help." She said, "Do you think it's really a choice?" I believe it's a disease, but I still don't always think of it that way. My sponsor had me read,"Understanding Alcoholism," which is Al Anon literature. It's funny that after all this time where I think I've learned enough about the disease, I still benefits from reading that for perspective.

I don't know. I'm curious about this notion that we are lying to ourselves, because I sure as heck would rather blame all his heartlessness and duplicity on a disease than just say, "Wow, he's just a f#$cked up person who pretended to be very loving for a few years."

Hmmm....

LightInside

To add to what I just said, if the pain of my X really quitting drinking is in any way as intense as the pain of ME quitting my addiction to HIM, then I get it. I could have quit him so many times over the years, but I didn't because I was too afraid of the pain and how much energy it would take from other areas of my life. This gives me empathy.

Doesn't mean I don't constantly say, "F$#ck off " to him in my mind. I just don't think I'll be doing that forever.