stillthriving

Hi all. This is my first post and I'm not sure where to begin here. I am 31 years old with 3 young children married to a high functioning alcoholic. He used go through a 1/2 gal. of whiskey in 3 days on the weeknights and the whole thing in a weekend. Usually buying 3 weekly. On weeknights he'd fill a short glass a 1/2 in from top and add a splash of coke then drink half of it and add more coke. It was his way of doing a shot without it looking like he was doing a shot. Apparently all this time he assumed I didn't notice that. On the weekends the drinking begins as early as 8 or 9 am. After years of rolling over and ignoring this I finally spoke up and told him to get out or stop drinking. He agreed to stop but it didn't last long. During this period our relationship felt completely fake. He was very distant. Finally, after a couple weeks I broke down and told him I didn't understand. That I was trying to so hard and he was just not there. It was at that time that he proposed that he could be in control of this and that he didn't want to be that guy that couldn't ever have a drink. He asked if I would give him the chance to prove it. Stupidly, I said fine. But no liquor in the house. So first it was beer, then four locos, then onto the wine. After a while he began with liquor only on occasions where we had guests over or we went out for dinner or something. Recently we had guests over and he got so drunk he fell asleep in the chair outside. After waking from there and coming in the house he went to use the bathroom and I found him slouched over asleep sitting on the toilet. He drinks like a college frat boy. Still I kept quiet. However I made it a point to embarrass him in front of his friends telling them all about his toilet snoring session. Just this past weekend we went out of town to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary. We're in the canoe fishing and enjoying ourselves when all of the sudden he's completely trashed sitting in the back of the canoe with his bottle of whiskey. Somehow he deemed it appropriate to drink heavily since it was our weekend away and we didn't have the kids..... Boy was he wrong! I became horribly disgusted watching him unable to hold up his own head or maintain any eye contact at all. After getting out of the canoe for lunch... watching him stumble his way to the river bank and luckily manage to have his butt connect with the ledge on the grass. I lost it! I completely lost it. I was livid! I went for a short walk and came back and told him to just load up that I wanted to go home and the screaming began. I told him how disgusted and embarassed I was by him when he gets like this. Of course he couldn't admit that he was trashed because thanks to my screaming he went from wasted to almost sober rather quickly. We fought rowing the canoe back to the boat ramp the whole way. He finally began to say he agrees with me and he understands and he knows he drinks too much but why did I pick now to bring it up. He thought it was ok to drink this weekend. He just repeated that over and over and over again! I just told him no it wasn't ok and certainly not appropriate. So here we are again.... he's quit drinking but still doesn't understand why I'm pushing AA meetings. He says he'll go if thats what it takes to save our manage but what good will they do if he won't actively participate. Still this was just this past sunday but once again... he's distant and theres an elephant in the room and I just don't what to do. I love him and I want him to stop drinking but I don't want him to resent me for it and for my marriage to be like this. We're in the process of buying a house and have a 9, 4,and 2 yr old. I can't just throw this all away! I don't know what to do. Please.. help!

MakingMeHappy

Welcome to SR! I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. It's unfortunate that many alcoholics try to moderate their drinking unsuccessfully. You likely won't be able to talk any sense into him. You did not cause his problem, you can't cure it, nor can you control it. Many of us here have been where you are. Please read the stickies at the top of the page to learn more.

FeelingGreat

Hi ST, welcome to SR. Have a look around the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and read some of the 'stickies' at the top.
Your husband sounds like an alcoholic. He can't abstain, he can't moderate and he's drinking heavily. Alcoholism tends to be progressive as the body learns to tolerate more and more and stopping becomes unthinkable.
You aren't going to be able to stop him for very long, as you've found out. Nothing will stop him except his own desire and he's not there yet. If he's not drinking he's white-knuckling and if he isn't done he'll start hiding the bottles.
He may be high functioning at the moment, but with what he's drinking eventually people will notice.
There aren't any easy answers for you. Can I suggest you educate yourself in addiction, maybe see a counsellor, stay around SR and think about attending Al-anon meetings? You may find out what's possible and how you can look after yourself.

lillamy

Brakes.
Put them on.
I would be very wary if getting into any kind of further financial entanglement (such as buying a house) with an alcoholic.

"High-functioning" is a stage, not a type of alcoholism. It will get worse without proper action/treatment.

He's talking out of both sides of his mouth (which is common). He'll go to AA but he's already made up his mind to not participate. He says he knows he needs to drink less but he's blaming you for not telling him when it is and isn't appropriate to get drunk as a skunk.

He's not just drinking like a frat boy, he's treating you as his mother. It's your responsibility to set limits for him. It's your fault he got drunk on the canoe trip because you didn't tell him he couldn't.

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation. All I can say is - I would be very cautious about moving forward with buying a house. (I just totaled up what I've paid lawyers for my almost done going on four years divorce from an A.)

You will not be able to make him stop drinking.
He has to want to and be committed to sobriety.
But you can take care of yourself, and set boundaries for what behaviors you are willing to accept from him.

steelman1649

I'm sorry to see that alcohol i causing problems in your relationship. Unfortunately like most of us, you're the one suffering. You are still young, make sure you protect yourself and the kiddos.

unsureoffuture

Hi and welcome! You will certainly find people who understand you here. I relate so much to your story. I too am married to a "high-functioning alcoholic" who acts similarly. Mine will "fall asleep" or what I call "pass out" on the couch at 6pm, in the car on the way home from a restaurant, and once on the stairs of our house from drinking too much. I have young kids too, 8 and 5. I cant remember the last date we went on that he didn't drink too much. When I confront him he will "cut back" the same way your does switching to beer but it never stops completely and it always progresses back to his regular drinking or worse. I can tell you from years of dealing with this. You will have NO CONTROL over when , how much or how often he drinks. You didnt cause his drinking and you cannot cure it. The more I confronted mine, the more he hid it from me and the elephant in the room is always there.

Alcoholism is a chronic disease that has no cure. The only person who can change himself is him and only when he is truly ready. It sounds like if he is still drinking "beer" and "wine" and "whiskey" on your romantic date without the kids then he is certainly not ready to change. He is appeasing you so that he can continue his addiction which is first and foremost. I will also tell you that "high functioning" is only a stage and alcoholism is progressive. It WILL get worse. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children. Join a local chapter of Al-anon. You will get the support you need in helping you to sort through this. They have plenty of reading material available and meetings you can go through to meet others who have been where you are. Educate yourself on alcoholism. Under the influence is a great book.

Trailsky

Hi welcome to SR. I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others. Stick around here, read the stickies up top and post away.

Can you check out an al anon meeting in your area? It is so amazing to start working on a YOU and stop trying to fix him.

Your thoughts are a mirror of what I said for years. AH used to cut back to only beer then wine started then hidden whiskey bottles then full on drinking within a few weeks. My AH also said he can't imagine not drinking forever. He also used our precious weekends away to get drunk and I would get so angry.

Keep coming back and reading. We have all been in your shoes and understand.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. I agree with unsureoffuture's post, all of it. Unless he wants it FOR HIMSELF it won't stop, it may get better and worse in stages but it is not going to stop until he sees the seriousness of it. Please read read and educate yourself as much as possible for you and your kiddos.

Good luck and God Bless!

ps...Keep posting, you are not alone in this!

angel2206

I just joined yesterday myself, trying to get some clarity in a situation similar to yours (though he is just my boyfriend and we have no kids). What a wake-up call. I have seen the exact same behaviors in him as you are describing. If I was wondering if mine is for sure an alcoholic, the stories I am reading on here seem to confirm it. I can read the stories of others and see what the future holds for me if I don't set the boundaries and stick to them (i.e. get out if he can't show me long-term commitment to quitting drinking altogether). I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hurtful when a special evening or weekend is planned and it is ruined by drunken behavior. I don't know about you but it makes me feel like the liquor is more important than I am- that being drunk is more enjoyable than being with me. It hurts.

Bernadette777

Welcome to SR... Still Thriving,
You will find so much help here. The folks are wonderful. My ex used to drink like a frat boy too. You will learn so much by posting & reading others. Very sorry you're going through this, but you here now, it will be alright. Again Stillthriving, all the best & God bless you & your kids.

stillthriving

Thank you all of you. FYI, the house is going in his name only. So if something should happen and I walk away there won't be any financial ties to me with regard to the house. We're too far in to back out anyway. Yesterday afternoon, after sharing with all of you I scheduled an appt with a therapist that a friend recommended. He's a recovering alcoholic himself and I think it would help me and AH a lot. AH is reluctant about the help and support regarding his drinking but this is more for our marriage than it is the drinking. I'm sure the drinking will come up and be discussed. I just hope my AH will open up and hear what the therapist has to say. He's a very quiet thinker and he's very reasonable and logical but sometimes it takes a day or two of thinking before he opens his eyes. I will keep you all posted on how it goes. I'm really excited for this appt. Often I just think my husband would get it if he could hear it in someone else's words. Like maybe I could talk until I'm blue in the face and he'll never understand. I know theres hope for him. I won't give up yet!