Interesting
Interesting
As my wife's alcoholism grinds along, an incident that helped to reinforce my thinking took place.
I chauffeured wife and friend (a fellow carer who also has a poorly offspring) the the area's poshest and most expensive (read pretentious) restaurant. They'd booked lunch.
I went elsewhere and picked them up after about two hours. During the drive back, wifey (clearly well-lubricated) said to friend that she'd decided not to do the food shopping as planned.
Friend said, "It's just as well you're not going to Asda (supermarket) after all that wine". I had a little, silent cheer to myself - the issue was obviously clear to someone else.
Naturally, wifey started again once we got home. Then again, she's had nearly two and a half pints of fizzy this evening, over five hours or so. When I came home at 10pm, she was flat out in bed.
I also had a chance to book a place at the rifle club annual dinner. I made an excuse. Wifey would want to go and I feel she'd embarrass me. At the very least, she'd start criticizing my shooting friends on the way home.
I chauffeured wife and friend (a fellow carer who also has a poorly offspring) the the area's poshest and most expensive (read pretentious) restaurant. They'd booked lunch.
I went elsewhere and picked them up after about two hours. During the drive back, wifey (clearly well-lubricated) said to friend that she'd decided not to do the food shopping as planned.
Friend said, "It's just as well you're not going to Asda (supermarket) after all that wine". I had a little, silent cheer to myself - the issue was obviously clear to someone else.
Naturally, wifey started again once we got home. Then again, she's had nearly two and a half pints of fizzy this evening, over five hours or so. When I came home at 10pm, she was flat out in bed.
I also had a chance to book a place at the rifle club annual dinner. I made an excuse. Wifey would want to go and I feel she'd embarrass me. At the very least, she'd start criticizing my shooting friends on the way home.
Snood,
It takes some courage to make plans for yourself. In my early days I started with small things and built up to larger things. If my A wanted to attend also, I made it clear that I wanted to go in separate vehicles so we could each arrive when we wanted, leave when we wanted and be responsible for ourselves. It was very interesting, but well worth it in the end. I found I had a better time, much less stressful and my A learned about making choices and experiencing the joys of his own consequences.
It takes some courage to make plans for yourself. In my early days I started with small things and built up to larger things. If my A wanted to attend also, I made it clear that I wanted to go in separate vehicles so we could each arrive when we wanted, leave when we wanted and be responsible for ourselves. It was very interesting, but well worth it in the end. I found I had a better time, much less stressful and my A learned about making choices and experiencing the joys of his own consequences.
Things I get from your post.
You're driving your wife around when she is too drunk to take herself.
You're still footing the bill for these expensive restaurants when your finances are not great?
You're still buying her champagne?
Sorry if I have that wrong, but I remember saying in previous posts that you pay for everything. He that is the case, of course she is unrelenting. Why would she change?
You have every right to go your dinner. If she wants to go, just say no. It's your dinner.
You're driving your wife around when she is too drunk to take herself.
You're still footing the bill for these expensive restaurants when your finances are not great?
You're still buying her champagne?
Sorry if I have that wrong, but I remember saying in previous posts that you pay for everything. He that is the case, of course she is unrelenting. Why would she change?
You have every right to go your dinner. If she wants to go, just say no. It's your dinner.
Things I get from your post.
You're driving your wife around when she is too drunk to take herself.
You're still footing the bill for these expensive restaurants when your finances are not great?
You're still buying her champagne?
Sorry if I have that wrong, but I remember saying in previous posts that you pay for everything. He that is the case, of course she is unrelenting. Why would she change?
You have every right to go your dinner. If she wants to go, just say no. It's your dinner.
You're driving your wife around when she is too drunk to take herself.
You're still footing the bill for these expensive restaurants when your finances are not great?
You're still buying her champagne?
Sorry if I have that wrong, but I remember saying in previous posts that you pay for everything. He that is the case, of course she is unrelenting. Why would she change?
You have every right to go your dinner. If she wants to go, just say no. It's your dinner.
She paid for her expensive meals, or has been treated by friends/relatives. I just get grief because my finances are too poor for me to take her out.
She's been buying her own booze for about 9 months now.
Such a mess
Take the keys away. Your car. No need for her to have keys. You driving her around to get drunk is enabling the behavior you dislike in her.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi snood,
I hope you do attend your dinner, even if you're going stag. By not going YOU are depriving yourself of something YOU want but you're using your wife as an excuse to deprive yourself. Go, enjoy yourself! Have fun!
As far as your wife goes, why do you pay attention to how much she drinks? She's an adult and if she's paying for her own alcohol then she has every right to drink it. Because her friend thinks she shouldn't go grocery shopping after drinking at lunch does not vindicate your feelings that your wife is an alcoholic. Are you hoping your wife will change? Why would she change?
I hope you do attend your dinner, even if you're going stag. By not going YOU are depriving yourself of something YOU want but you're using your wife as an excuse to deprive yourself. Go, enjoy yourself! Have fun!
As far as your wife goes, why do you pay attention to how much she drinks? She's an adult and if she's paying for her own alcohol then she has every right to drink it. Because her friend thinks she shouldn't go grocery shopping after drinking at lunch does not vindicate your feelings that your wife is an alcoholic. Are you hoping your wife will change? Why would she change?
Quoting Stung: 'Are you hoping your wife will change? Why would she change?'
Why did she change? Since deciding to more than double her use of booze, she's been terrible on a regular basis as opposed to being spasmodically bad.
Yes, she's an adult, yes, she can drink her own booze if she wants to. But to my detriment? I think not. Moreover, the stepdaughter is still around, as are the problems associated with her. The stepson is still jobless in the US, and 'depressed'. Nothing changes.
On a happier note, I received a contact from the girl I dated for more than two years, no fewer than 40 years ago! We've been reminiscing, in my secret mail account, and it's lovely to 'talk' to someone who isn't instantly at my throat.
Every cloud, etc.
Why did she change? Since deciding to more than double her use of booze, she's been terrible on a regular basis as opposed to being spasmodically bad.
Yes, she's an adult, yes, she can drink her own booze if she wants to. But to my detriment? I think not. Moreover, the stepdaughter is still around, as are the problems associated with her. The stepson is still jobless in the US, and 'depressed'. Nothing changes.
On a happier note, I received a contact from the girl I dated for more than two years, no fewer than 40 years ago! We've been reminiscing, in my secret mail account, and it's lovely to 'talk' to someone who isn't instantly at my throat.
Every cloud, etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I think we cause our own detriment when we make the decision to stay in unhappy, abusive relationships. I know I was subjecting myself to misery by being a willing participant in an abusive marriage before I made the decision to separate from my husband and stay separated.
Your wife is causing her own detriment by her drinking. I understand that you are unhappy with her behavior, but is your wife making any attempt at sobriety? Does she acknowledge that her drinking is a problem? If she isn't, then why would she change? While this lifestyle doesn't suit you, this lifestyle is suiting her alcoholism fairly well.
Your wife is causing her own detriment by her drinking. I understand that you are unhappy with her behavior, but is your wife making any attempt at sobriety? Does she acknowledge that her drinking is a problem? If she isn't, then why would she change? While this lifestyle doesn't suit you, this lifestyle is suiting her alcoholism fairly well.
It's never too late to start over Snood.
You don't have to keep living like this unless you choose to.
Things will go downhill fairly quick I would guess from what you've described
and then there will be the "guilt factor" of leaving her when she's down
(in hospital, out of control in a visible way in public, dementia increasing, out of money, etc.) When that happens, it is actually harder to walk for some people.
It was like that for me with my mother. I should have quit enabling her drinking and rescuing her years before when she had a chance to help herself.
But I didn't, and then I felt obliged to see it out to the end.
You see the train coming pretty clearly from your posts.
Step off the tracks man--find love or at least find peace in your golden years.
You don't have to keep living like this unless you choose to.
Things will go downhill fairly quick I would guess from what you've described
and then there will be the "guilt factor" of leaving her when she's down
(in hospital, out of control in a visible way in public, dementia increasing, out of money, etc.) When that happens, it is actually harder to walk for some people.
It was like that for me with my mother. I should have quit enabling her drinking and rescuing her years before when she had a chance to help herself.
But I didn't, and then I felt obliged to see it out to the end.
You see the train coming pretty clearly from your posts.
Step off the tracks man--find love or at least find peace in your golden years.
I didn't go to the club dinner in the end...I'd seen my friends the evening before anyway and my finances are still delicate.
However, wifey is sailing very close to the wind. Tonight's bitter interchange ended in my refusing to taxi her and stepdaughter back from yet another meal at the weekend (14 miles at no cost).
She's lost her temper having seen that my starting up an AL-Anon group in town was a real possibility. "Everyone will associate you with me." she snarled. I was bullied into not pursuing the idea and even into not attending the little groups at my counsellor's office. So, it's been all day, plus nastiness/bullying about a legal issue.
I really am becoming very sick of all this nonsense.
Meanwhile, no third contact from my ex of 35 years ago...maybe I scared her away. Hope not
By the way, according to my 'darling' wife, I'm here to 'bleat' (ditto Al-Anon and counsellor meetings.)
However, wifey is sailing very close to the wind. Tonight's bitter interchange ended in my refusing to taxi her and stepdaughter back from yet another meal at the weekend (14 miles at no cost).
She's lost her temper having seen that my starting up an AL-Anon group in town was a real possibility. "Everyone will associate you with me." she snarled. I was bullied into not pursuing the idea and even into not attending the little groups at my counsellor's office. So, it's been all day, plus nastiness/bullying about a legal issue.
I really am becoming very sick of all this nonsense.
Meanwhile, no third contact from my ex of 35 years ago...maybe I scared her away. Hope not
By the way, according to my 'darling' wife, I'm here to 'bleat' (ditto Al-Anon and counsellor meetings.)
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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She's an alcoholic and a bully. That's a lot of quacking and verbal abuse going on. You have the right to a better life than this. Of course alanon is a threat to her. She doesn't want to lose control of you.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? It's good to read back through them from time to time. I never bothered with the abuse ones until recently. I didn't think they pertained to me. It's hard to see clearly when our viewpoint of what "normal" is has become so skewed.
Here are a couple of them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html Substitute "his" when they say her, abuse does happen to men also. Try to not look at ways this is different than your situation. Check to see if anything is similar.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? It's good to read back through them from time to time. I never bothered with the abuse ones until recently. I didn't think they pertained to me. It's hard to see clearly when our viewpoint of what "normal" is has become so skewed.
Here are a couple of them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html Substitute "his" when they say her, abuse does happen to men also. Try to not look at ways this is different than your situation. Check to see if anything is similar.
You're so right, keepingthefaith, thank you.
The last time I got an "I Love You" was when I dropped her off, with stepdaughter, to board an aircraft and see stepson in the USA. It was said quietly, outside the airport. It was said because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.
Within half an hour, a text arrived. "We're relaxing in Burger King." No you weren't, you were in the Observatory Bar, spending £30 or so. LIAR.
The last time I got an "I Love You" was when I dropped her off, with stepdaughter, to board an aircraft and see stepson in the USA. It was said quietly, outside the airport. It was said because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.
Within half an hour, a text arrived. "We're relaxing in Burger King." No you weren't, you were in the Observatory Bar, spending £30 or so. LIAR.
Well, we love you Snood--
We aren't trying to be bossy, but are worried for you.
You do sound terribly put upon, and increasingly so, by your wife.
This kind of long-term stress isn't good for your mental or physical health either, as you well know.
We aren't trying to be bossy, but are worried for you.
You do sound terribly put upon, and increasingly so, by your wife.
This kind of long-term stress isn't good for your mental or physical health either, as you well know.
Snood I always read your posts. As I look down the pages of SR, your name always pops out. I wish you would find a way out of your current situation and find some peace. It's sad that you are going thru this. Prayers.
Snood,
I read a lot of familiar experiences in your posts in this thread. I have stayed for all of my reasons. Whatever you decide, finding peace for you is an important step. There are a lot of really good people here who know what they are talking about. I'm glad you found them.
Best,
FF
I read a lot of familiar experiences in your posts in this thread. I have stayed for all of my reasons. Whatever you decide, finding peace for you is an important step. There are a lot of really good people here who know what they are talking about. I'm glad you found them.
Best,
FF
Thank you, people, there's some really heartening content appearing.
A further interesting development.
Two days' nastiness, including the evening sandwiched between. Wifey's panicking because she thinks local people will find out about her alcoholism. I think I've found the Achilles heel.
In our exchanges, I stated...
You are a choleric drunk - she thought I was referring to cholera, not anger.
I don't want to know you when you're drunk - I'd rather be downstairs, working.
You are immensely unpleasant when drunk.
...and more along these lines.
Apart from the usual 'attack is the best form of defence' stuff, I got the 'splitting up' speech, the 'it's all your fault' speech, the 'you're a liar' speech.
BUT
At no point did she deny being a drunk or an alcoholic.
I've since agreed to pick her and useless SD up on Friday night - they're making their own way to the restaurant.
I also got a credit card holder hurled across the room. I simply thought, 'act your age and not your shoe size'.
Now we'll see...
A further interesting development.
Two days' nastiness, including the evening sandwiched between. Wifey's panicking because she thinks local people will find out about her alcoholism. I think I've found the Achilles heel.
In our exchanges, I stated...
You are a choleric drunk - she thought I was referring to cholera, not anger.
I don't want to know you when you're drunk - I'd rather be downstairs, working.
You are immensely unpleasant when drunk.
...and more along these lines.
Apart from the usual 'attack is the best form of defence' stuff, I got the 'splitting up' speech, the 'it's all your fault' speech, the 'you're a liar' speech.
BUT
At no point did she deny being a drunk or an alcoholic.
I've since agreed to pick her and useless SD up on Friday night - they're making their own way to the restaurant.
I also got a credit card holder hurled across the room. I simply thought, 'act your age and not your shoe size'.
Now we'll see...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Then you can get back on the interwebs to chase down your ex-girlfriend from decades ago.
Sucks to be you.
Snood,
For awhile I thought I did not understand your posts due to self-deprecation in British humor. You use a lot of innuendo about your situation, then attack anyone who suggests you make a change with a subverted threat that you will leave SR - your only safe place to post and get empathy. You are really caught up in this relationship no matter how detached the writing style.
Until you want to change nothing changes.
For awhile I thought I did not understand your posts due to self-deprecation in British humor. You use a lot of innuendo about your situation, then attack anyone who suggests you make a change with a subverted threat that you will leave SR - your only safe place to post and get empathy. You are really caught up in this relationship no matter how detached the writing style.
Until you want to change nothing changes.
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