angel2206

Hi, new friends. I have used forums before for support when presented with tough decisions, and I am hoping to gain some insight from those who have been there. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly two years. It progressed quickly, and were living together after only a few months. Slowly but surely I started getting the full picture... when we met he said his car was in the shop (it was in impound, and he couldn't afford to get it out). He presented himself as having a driver's license (by driving), but told me three months in, when we were already living together, that it had been revoked. After some time I got the whole picture- four DUI's, no driver's license, two assault charges, a bottomed-out credit score, and he is still drinking a fifth of vodka every night on top of countless beers. He says he doesn't have a problem. Every time I break down and try to talk to him about it he gets defensive, and says he will "slow it down." I don't believe he can slow it down. I believe he will either stop, or he won't. There will be no slowing down. The last time I talked to him about it was Sunday (he got drunk and started fights with me on Friday and Saturday). He said his bit about slowing down, but then not a couple of hours later asked me to drive him to the liquor store for more vodka.

The drinking has escalated since we got together. He is Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, and I have told him this. He has pushed me, routinely yells and cusses at me, has thrown and broken things, etc. when drunk. After I begged him not to he drank himself into a blackout, passed out on the couch, and missed an important flight to come see me when I moved out of state a few months ahead of him. When he finally arrived I picked him up from the airport and he was speech-slurring drunk, and had lost the bag with the suit in it that he was going to wear to the interview he had flown up for.

I am at my wit's end with this. I love his family, but every time this stuff happens it takes away some of my love for him. At one point I loved him so fiercely... now I don't know that I can even say I love him anymore. I still care about him, but Mr. Hyde is stomping all the love out of my heart every night. We have a life plan- future house purchase, getting married (not engaged yet thank goodness), future children... he was supposed to be it for me. We had this talk many times. Now I am not so sure I am ready to bite this off.

We don't own a house together or anything- just in an 8-month lease. We are both capable of supporting ourselves. If I leave now though, am I being selfish? Am I giving up when I should be fighting? Should I give him some time to realize his problem and maybe we can salvage a life together?

We are both divorced. Mine was due to an abusive ex. When I asked him what caused his divorce he got really defensive and said something vague about it not working out. I know his ex is a health nut and successful veterinarian, so I can't imagine she was happy about the alcoholism. I would bet money that is what broke them up.

Compounding my confusion is that I am a child of a raging active alcoholic, and a sister of a recovering alcoholic. Do I feel extra guilt about thinking of leaving because of this? Is that why considering leaving feels like "giving up" on him? I also spent most of my adult life overweight (not obese, but around a size 14), and had low self-esteem and bad relationships where men mistreated me, so I tend to feel that there isn't anything better out there because I have never really seen anything better. Is that fear causing me stay in something I shouldn't stay in?

Help! I appreciate any insight. I feel like I know what I should probably do, but I guess I need support to know that it is ok and doesn't make me a bad person, and also encouragement that there are other people out there who aren't controlling, or mean, or abusive, or addicted. Even just writing out this thread made me realize what I want deep down is to be free of this (Mr. Hyde), but I guess I am unsure so I was hoping for some insight from others who have been in this situation. I don't want to give up if there is still hope.

thotful

This is definitely a great place to start. You will find lots of support. You will need to decide for yourself what is tolerable and what is not. You have the right to set boundaries in your life and live by them. We can love someone very dearly and still detach from abusive behavior. It's up to you in that matter.

As for the drinking - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You do not need to feel guilty about his behavior (if you were that is). You don't own any of it.

I would seriously suggest some Al-Anon meetings. In those meetings, you will have the opportunity to work on yourself. There's nothing wrong with loving and cherishing an alcoholic. One member in my meetings said, "I have seen people have the strength to stay in difficult relationships, and I have seen people have the strength to leave difficult relationships."

We attend meetings to work on ourselves, not the alcoholic, because we are powerless to the disease and their behavior. I once said that I recognize my frustration that I can't live in their brains driving them around. Even if I could, whose going to steer my brain, body, and spirit around? When we get overly focused on someone else's life, we lose sight of our own.

For me, the guilt comes from not being able to solve problems for others (like being the hero in the storybooks, or movies). I can't ride in and kick some motherfuc** ass and destroy alcoholism in the lives of my loved ones. Unfortunately, (wait, didn't I mean fortunately?) their problems are not on my shoulders to bear. I would take their dignity and respect if I would take on their troubles.

Your fear might be a fear of rejection and abandonment and stems from having difficulty loving yourself. I can't speak for you there, just for me. I am working on loving myself better. When I do that and do it well, it becomes much easier to stand against boundary violations and mistreatment. I look at it as protecting my little inner-child - he's crying and sad and hurt and it seems easier for me to give him love, support, and acceptance and keep dangerous, toxic, situations out of his life.

Just my thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Saint Francis

Angel, first of all, welcome. Thank you for the post. It helps us. You are me, many years ago so I totally understand. Everything, the slowly finding out, the quick progression of the relationship, the early disappointments. You know, you already hinted you already know the answer. I did too. You're very intelligent, but a nice, caring, thoughtful, hopeful, person. These are all great qualities. You DO know the answer, but want "confirmation." Okay, many smart people are logical math-statistical people but you follow your heart. I won't tell you there is no hope. I see it happen, sometimes. You already know "slowing down" won't work. People quit drinking, sometimes, or for some amount of time. It's just sooo, muchhh, workkk, for a young relationship. And you know the odds of beating the addiction. Only you can decide if it's worth the ride in the long run, worth the risk.

For me, I drank the Kool-aid. I married, risked everything, I have been all-in. Fast forward 15 years later. It didn't get better. The alcoholism started eating his body and his brain. The abuse got worse, my self-esteem, less. I accepted things I never thought were acceptable. There was only a very brief hiatus of no alcohol usage, about 4 months, then he was just going to "cut down." Financially, emotionally, and physically now, I am devastated. I'm too old to have the family/kids I wanted. Wish I could be you, your age, with the same difficult decision ahead of me and a chance to be alone for a time to realize the bullet I could have dodged. And to thank God for the emotional intelligence required to take the risk. However, I thought I knew better.

You're at the right place for support. You came for help, but you know the answer. You actually came here for advice on how to "make it work." Detachment helps, but I find I am not mentally strong enough. If I was, I would have mentally, emotionally and physically detached years ago. Some can do it. But I wish someone would have asked me years ago, "Why are you hitching your wagon to THIS star?"

Please keep us updated.

Hawkeye13

Only you can decide what is best, but one thing that seems to be true in nearly all cases is that physical abuse will increase if the person keeps drinking and doesn't seek recovery.

So what is shoving / pushing can turn more violent quickly. I, personally, would not plan a future with someone who has already shown that trait.

Have you read the stickys at the top of the page? Those have lots of useful information to help you learn about what you are facing if you stay with an active addict.

CodeJob

Welcome Angel,

Here is a link to the adult children of alcoholics sub section of SR. There are also some good sticky threads there. Not sure if you have looked into ACOA previously, but you may find it useful to evaluate your current situation. IMO you are repeating patterns and your attraction picker is inadvertently causing you to pick partners who are not truly partners because they have TOO MANY OTHER ISSUES.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Recovering2

He has shown you who he is. He is an active alcoholic who is capable of physical and verbal violence. He is also a grown man, and unfortunately has the right to drink if that's his path. He is not your project, this is not something you can fix. There is no reason to feel guilty for wanting a better life and relationship for yourself. And, yes, there is a better life out there.

We co-dependents so often get caught up in wanting to "help" or "save" the alcoholic. We focus so much on saving them, that we forget we are worth saving! We don't realize the best thing we can do is Get. Out. Of. The. Way. As long as we're there to pick up the pieces, cover up, save, etc...they don't experience the full consequences of their choices. So in the end we're really not helping them at all.

You are only 2 years in. You are financially independent from him. You are not legally tied to things together. You don't have children. Count your blessings that you are seeing the real picture now...as this disease will certainly progress. Save yourself, then get involved in Alanon moving forward so you can learn from all this.

YOU deserve a happy, serene life.....and it's out there waiting for you.

lillamy

Welcome -- and I agree that this is a great place to work through all those thoughts and feelings.

I'll tell you my experience of this place.
When I first came here, I was married to an alcoholic who was in what they call "a high-functioning stage." We had a really nice house, he made good money, he was successful at his job. I came here, and started going to Al-Anon, because I wanted to figure out how to make him stop drinking.

I largely didn't like what people here told me, so I spent a lot of time reading and not posting. Because I felt like they (the other posters here) were married to real alcoholics who were losers and I couldn't see my AH fitting into that category. I thought he was different. I thought I was different. I thought I could love the addiction out of him.

I will honestly say that this site, together with Al-Anon, saved my sanity. If you look around here, you'll find there are people like me who ended up leaving their alcoholics (my AXH is now homeless and unemployed); there are people who have stayed with actively drinking alcoholics; there are people whose alcoholic spouses have sobered up (and sometimes relapsed); there are parents of alcoholic children... and also quite a few people who themselves have experience of addiction first-hand.

So there's that. There's a lot of experience here. I think what I'd like to say is don't let anyone scare you off because you don't like what they're telling you. Hang out and read and think and feel.

I asked myself those questions. I fought. By the time I did leave, I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt that there was nothing left to salvage. In retrospect, I wish I had left earlier. It would have saved me and the kids a lot of abuse and heartache.

If one of my girlfriends came and told me what you have just told us, I think I would ask her why she feels she's not worth 100%? We only have this one life. Why should we settle for accepting someone else's abusive behavior? Why would we be selfish if we didn't? Why would we feel guilty if we didn't want to be around someone who's drunk and abusive? Why is that our responsibility?

I also want to second Hawkeye's warning about abuse potentially escalating quickly. My AXH never raised a hand toward me during 20 years of marriage. Until the night I left. He went from being verbally abusive to threatening to kill our entire family just like that. I had known the marriage was over. I had started planning to leave. In the end, I ran for my life. And I don't wish that on anyone.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease: Without treatment, it only gets worse. My advice is always the same: Educate yourself. Find out what alcoholism is. What it does. Not just to the alcoholic, but to you as well. And then figure out if that is something you want in your life. Sounds simple. It's not. It's heartbreaking any which way you cut it. But knowledge is power.

MIRecovery

Run fast and far. Alcoholism is progressive it only gets worse. Alanon is a great resource for those with an alcoholic in their lives

velma929

My husband wasn't violent, but over 25 years he went from being a computer programmer to being fired from three jobs in six years. In the end, he was fired from a low-level maintenance job. He never told me why, exactly. He had become obsessed with kiddie porn, though, and I suspect he was caught looking at it at work. (He said his boss said he spent too much time on the computer.)

I never wanted children. If I had, I would have had to make a choice: give up that dream, or have a kid or two and subject them to an alcoholic for a father.

I was widowed four years ago. it's very hard to start dating again at 53. The ratio o men to women is pretty unbalanced by then, and the participants tend to be jaded , cynical and bitter.

I married LateAH because I thought (at the ripe age of 27) I'd never get another chance at love. There are worse things than being alone. One of them is being bound legally and morally to someone who is toxic to your own sense of well-being.

theuncertainty

I don't think any one else has suggested this yet, so: If your best friend came and told you the guy she was hoping to marry had the same issues (FOUR dui's, impounded car, unable to get it out because he can't afford it, tanked credit, won't talk about previous relationships, drives without a license (breaks the law), assault charges, drinking a lot, lied about a fairly major event in his recent history (his car was not in the shop)...), would your response to her be different than the one you're giving yourself?

Or, if we took out the drinking, if it's just: can't afford to get his car, won't talk about his previous relationships, assault charges, continues to break the law by driving without a valid license, cannot manage his money and has an abysmal credit score. Is your answer different?

Just by itself, if his the financial picture is so bad, would you consider a guy like him marriage material? When you marry, to a great extent, your finances are tied together. While his score may not affect your score, you're pretty much a team. Anything you do as a household could be limited by his debt problems. (Buying a house could be hard if not impossible depending on his credit.)

Even if we ignore all of that, routinely yelling at and cussing at you, pushing you, throwing things, breaking things are all pieces of an abusive relationship. Drinking is not an excuse to hurt some one, physically or emotionally. I gave AXH a free pass for far too long on that one. And it just kept getting worse. Abusive behavior escalates, just like drinking does. Would you tell a friend that leaving some one who's laid hands on her in violence that she's being selfish to do so? I wouldn't. But my response to myself was different....

Something that's taking me a long, long time to learn, to understand, is that doing something that is good for me is not selfish.

So all of that to say: No. I don't think it'd be selfish of you to leave.

angel2206

Well, I did make up my mind to leave. I was planning on doing it in September when I return from over six weeks overseas so he would watch the dog for free for those six weeks and also so I wouldn't have as much rent to pay when I'm not even there. Plus, he has to get one of those alcohol-monitoring bracelets on (supposed to be this Friday, but I doubt he will be sober to get it) so I figured he would be tolerable while I waited to leave.
Now I am rethinking that plan. On Saturday he was drunk and angry (like every day lately) and actually grabbed my arms up on the biceps and squeezed so hard that I had to put my hand on his throat to get him to let go. I still have the outlines of his fingers on my one arm, four days later. Luckily I went out of town for work the next day and don't have to be back until this Friday.
I don't have the money to pay for movers, rent, deposit, etc. right now, but today I submitted to take a loan against my retirement account to cover the costs. The check should come (no option for EFT unfortunately) in 7-10 business days. I am bummed to hurt my retirement fund that way, but it will be worth it.
So, I wanted to let everyone know I am leaving.
That said, he is going to need support that I can no longer bear to give him. He has a dad and a stepbrother that he is close to, and I was thinking I should let one of them know the extent his drinking had gotten to so someone would be checking up on him. Thoughts? I don't think anyone knows how bad it has gotten since he hasn't had any more trouble with the law. Plus, we had to register his car in my name since he doesn't have a driver's license, so I would need to figure out what to do with that as well. Appreciate any insight. Thanks!

Hopeworks

Danger! Danger! Danger! In some states it is illegal to deliberately title and tag a car in your name to enable a person to drive that does not have a drivers license! You could possibly be arrested and you can always count on a lawsuit if he injures or harms anyone while driving YOUR vehicle! This means if he gets drunk and mows down a family of five tonight be ready for the law to be at your door wanting to know why an alcoholic without a drivers license was menacing the highway. Then the knock will come at the door and you will be served with a lawsuit from those injured who will try to get everything you own and every dime of insurance they can. Of course, the insurance company is NOT going to want to pay because they think you are driving and they did not insure him. It will be simple to prove that this was all engineered by your soon to be XA and yourself to circumvent his inability to drive.

You were used by an A. Thats what they do. Drink and use people up.

Get it out of your name as soon as possible. Run. Run fast. Run.

Hawkeye13

I"m sorry it is escalating and I wouldn't leave my dog in that situation either.
I think you are being wise to recognize what is going one and protect yourself.

The actual leaving part is often the most dangerous time for a woman.
Have someone to go with you get your things and can you arrange
to not be alone with him in case he gets violent.
Other people here can address this better than me but do be careful.

get your name off that title ASAP so you don't get sued if he drives the car drunk and wrecks it or hurts someone