Are you kidding me??

Old 03-25-2014, 10:11 AM
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Are you kidding me??

So, my XAH has been out for a bit. We have discussed things. I have opened my own checking account. We are plugging along. I spoke with an attorney last week and have gotten that moving (he does not know that bit yet). I have told him over and over our relationship is over. He came over about a week after he had been gone and told my kids it's over and he would have to be moving out, etc. So I am figuring he is coming out of denial and today I get this....just a few mins ago.....

I will be opening my own checking account tomorrow, are you sure this is what you want?

I respond by saying yes, I am sorry, it is.

He says...The kids and I are sorry too.

Are you kidding me?! Like my kids are going to side with him or like I caused this. I know what it is, pure manipulation. I said as much also. It just really ticks me off. Here I had just taken off work to take my older daughter to the counselor. I am just trying to move on and should not have to put up with this sort of BS. This is how it will be forever, I know that. It won't be possible to have a good parenting relationship w/him, he will make sure of it.

Sigh.....moving on. Just needing to vent I guess!
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:23 AM
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Life isn't fair, but you already know that. Prayers to you.
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:44 AM
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he's just pushing your buttons, yanking your chain. he knew exactly what to say to get a rise out of you. it's up to you to retain centeredness and NOT react. bend don't break and all that.
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:51 AM
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Vent away, My Dear!
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:27 AM
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That's a pretty low blow Hopeful.... GOOD FOR YOU that you were able to see that & not react/play into it. You are really putting your recovery tools to work, way to go!!!
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:45 AM
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You know... while it's a really depressing thought -- the "This is how it's going to be forever" -- it's actually a thought that can help you keep reasonable expectations.

I somehow expected AXH and me to settle into some kind of "normal" divorced relationship. Why on earth I thought that, I have no idea. But I actually had to have a therapist spell it out to me: Everything that annoyed the hell outta you when you were married to the man is going to continue annoying the hell outta you when you've divorced him. The difference is, you don't have to deal with it 24/7. But you're still gonna have to deal with it. And if you expect that, you won't get so bent out of shape every time it happens. You'll get used to it and be able to roll your eyes and go "herewegoagain..."
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Old 03-25-2014, 12:25 PM
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I'm sorry, hopeful. It is difficult. I agree with lillamy that finding a balance with the expectations is key. Expectations that would be reasonable for a non-A may not be realistic for our STBXAHs. Setting the bar for our expectations at what is realistic to expect given past experience with our A eliminates some of the hassle. Also, I've just started answering many things as YES or NO. Nothing else unless absolutely necessary.

ETA: Actually, you probably already knew all that and just wanted to vent! In that case, vent away
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Old 03-25-2014, 12:55 PM
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Well good grief! I don't know what got his head out of the sand, I guess this was his last ditch effort. We just basically agreed on and hammered out our entire divorce agreement and will type up what we want and file. I don't know where this came from, but I am glad about it!

The end is in sight!

Thanks to all of you wonderful people for your encouragement. lilamy...you are spot on in that these things will continue, I just won't always be the one listening to it! Learning the eye roll LOL!

Tight Hugs to all of my wonderful SR friends.
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Old 03-25-2014, 02:31 PM
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That is great that you have an end in sight hopeful! I keep hoping for a civil co-parenting situation but like you am realizing it's never going to happen quite like that
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Old 03-25-2014, 09:20 PM
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Thanks for that logical warning, lillamy. It makes sense.
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Old 03-25-2014, 09:44 PM
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While lillamy's point is well taken, I found it does get better. Once I was "out" of the bonds of marriage the power struggle (Him wanting to be the head of the family and me not wanting to take direction from someone under the influence) was over.

Also I was under less stress since he no longer had access to things (like my car) that he could destroy and I would be jointly liable for. His actions no longer held consequences for me personally so I did not have a vested interest in nagging him & I was no longer tense all the time. I became a more reasonable person since I was now getting proper rest and taking better care of myself.

So once the dust settled..my situation improved immensely. I also moved forward with my own program of recovery in Al-Anon, some yrs later got in a healthy relationship with a non-A (who is an ACOA- & therefore we understand the wounds alcoholism causes family members) and life is now drama free and wonderful.

If we are successful, we learn from our mistakes and life opens up for us and one thing about having been a "survivor" is you Never take the little stuff for granted the way you did before then encounter with the beast of alcoholism. So for me it not only got better..it got Great. It can for you too!
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Old 03-26-2014, 01:55 AM
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Awesome to hear that from you Ifnotforgrace! Nice to give those of us still in the trenches hope.
I remember years ago so many nights staying awake in bed waiting for him to come home, praying he wouldn't get a DUI. I did not then think of divorce, was still in the day by day mode of living. My prayers have changed drastically.
Yes, I am so thankful my countdown is on for the date when I am cannot be held partly liable for his actions.
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Old 03-26-2014, 08:06 AM
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Hopeful, those are the exact words I would expect to hear from my AH if we were to split. I swear sometimes they are all like carbon copies in many ways. Glad you guys are working on the divorce agreement amicably for now, too!

Your post made me think of what my AH said the other day. I had taken my son shopping at the outlet stores on the way home from a tennis tournament in Texas. When my son showed his father the shirt, my AH says, "Oh, did your mother buy you that shirt to reward you for losing your match?" UGH! He glanced at me when he said it, obviously looking for me to defend myself. I said nothing.

Totally different scenario, but the alcoholic is always trying to get us to engage, to take the bait, to defend ourselves, etc. By stepping out of the ring, I've left him standing there alone with himself. Hugs to you, my friend! Keep doing the next right thing!
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Old 03-26-2014, 08:21 AM
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Oh I agree with Ifnotforgrace -- it definitely does get better. You get stronger. You care less and roll your eyes more. It doesn't hit you in the gut, you can see it for the insanity it is.
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