Mellybug

Thanks to my own self-work with Al Anon, I have chosen to take care of myself for a change. I have also started to apply the same principles in other areas of my life, such as my relationship with coworkers and family members (meaning my mother). Last night she texted me the usual rant about my step-dad who made himself something to eat but not her..."...I would NEVER make something for myself without seeing if he wanted something!" Then proceeded to say that her sister-in-law said that as long as they were getting what they want, they don't care about anyone else.

I just turned off the phone and went to bed.

Well, I stepped in the big steaming pile this morning...I texted her back with some of the the things I've been applying in my own life as a result of what I've learned through my own self-discovery (thanks to Al Anon and SR).

You know...like, "Expectations are pre-resentments". I asked why she continues to do things for a grown adult who is perfectly capable of doing these things for himself, but just doesn't want to?

I now have two choices...either turn the phone off again or listen to the constant alerts that I'll be receiving (which have already started). Given the history, it will be reasons WHY she continues to do things for him, very emphatically defending her status as a martyr, and complaining about him.

When will I learn to keep my mouth shut (or my fingers still, in this case)?

Mellybug

....and I probably shouldn't have texted, "You know martyrs are only appreciated after they're dead"...

Hawkeye13

People only hear what they are ready to--sorry you stepped in it but
it's great to see how much progress you've made.

Just ignore the messages and they will die down eventually. . .

Mellybug

Oh, here's a new excuse: because my cousin is there visiting and she refuses to do anything that might make him feel uncomfortable while he's there! He's so appreciative of everything she does for him...

Well, there you have it.

BlueSkies1

Well, she is your mother. Mothers as a general rule don't like to hear one word from daughters that they may have some insight, and no such good deed goes unpunished. Naturally she feels the need to defend her position.
You did ask for it...now it's coming your way!
In these situations it might be best to simply agree with her and lend your ear, mmm hmmm, until your ear gets a little tired, and then, talk later mom...got some things I have to get done right now....
Now I know you don't want to appear righteous, so...texting these little insights might be thoughts you might want to keep to yourself....just a thought.

CodeJob

Mellybug,

There is a learning strategy termed watch one, do one, teach one. I actually practiced more at work than at home initially with detaching, letting go, not having expectations, etc. I did give Codependent No More to someone at my newer job and it has made a big difference for her. I think my HP put me here to be an example for her. She has a much worse history than me and her grief is very great.

I was really honest with her when I got depressed last December and she heard me get on the phone and set up a MD appointment for myself as well as counseling. Just yesterday she told me I look 'bright' and that she likes to hear me laughing. It's true. I am truly recovering - for me - and it is visible to others. I have kept my H's history silent, but I have been open that I am in recovery for codependency.

I've made a few comments to my mom, but really I have the geographic cure so I am not about to wade in where angels fear to tread! There is some serious family dysfunction I need to investigate. I have a resource I need to approach who likely has worked a lot of this out and might help me piece a few things together and asist me in staying on the straight and narrow path.

So keep practicing Mellybug! You'll get better and more suave with it!

atalose

That’s funny but I imagine using tack would be far better.

But then that leads me to this……

Tack is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic…lol

I remember when I began applying healthier ways to approach life and finding myself frustrated by and with all the dysfunctional people around me and their dramas. My mom especially I had a hard time with because I think a big part of me knew that was where I got my un-healthy behavior from in the first place.

I learned to not get dragged in, held on tight to the healthy side of life through hurt feelings, avoidance and making my presents with her and others quick when un-healthy behavior would start.

At first I was very sarcastic to my mom and I do think that was because I was putting blame on her but I quickly learned that it was my actions not my words that impacted her the most and changed her outlook on life as well which changed our relationship for the better.

If you have been your mothers sounding block for her frustrations it’s going to be hard to get her to stop texting, calling you with all her problems so instead learn to be a good listener and understand that just because she is venting her troubles to you doesn’t mean she is asking you to fix them.
Replies to her could be:

Sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

Go ahead and vent I’m always here to listen.

Things that relate you understand HER FEELINGS yet are not jumping in to FIX them or her.

I used to feel that just because someone was expressing an issue or a trouble to me that meant that somehow I needed to have the right answer or solve their problems for them.

Boy does life become so much easier when all we have to do is listen!!!!

Mellybug

Trust me, I have listened...and listened...and listened.

I have explained to her that I work a full-time job and can't respond during the day usually, and yet she will still text me non-stop. She's never shy about telling me (and others) what I (and they) should do, and quick to turn into a manipulative and nasty b***h if you (or others) don't do what she thinks you should do.

I have detached frequently. I have told her things like, "It sounds like you're really miserable," and "It really hurts to hear you sound so unhappy".

She never used to be this way...until she moved away from all of her friends and family to retire to the middle of Montana (sight unseen, by the way...didn't even VISIT the place first). Now it's a constant and daily barrage of hate-fueled b***h sessions about this person, that person, the other person, and my step-dad.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't text me negativity, and I just can't handle it...

BlueSkies1

Suggestion-- not reading the texts from your mother until you are home from work.
You could even warn her. Not reading them mom until I'm home because they distract me and I need to work when I'm at work...(fancy that being hard to understand!)
She knows how to dial 911 if there's an emergency.
Protect your own sanity!

Lucy777

Just my two cents. What about setting a boundary with your mom. Let her know you will not reply if she continues to send negative texts. Let her know how her messages make you feel. Then the ball is in her court.

atalose

That would be my suggestion, set firm boundaries and stick to them.

You can explain you won't be replying to her text messages during business hours, period, then you must stick to that.

Family is not a license for abuse - unacceptable behavior will always be unacceptable.