hollynka

Hello, my mother has been with my step dad for over 11 years now, and is completely in love with him.
He has been an alcoholic since the very beginning.

I love him very much just as I would my normal dad
He is going to die, if he doesn't stop drinking, we have done everything we can think of to get him to stop drinking.
He doesn't want help, we have got our side of the family together for interventions, we can't use his family to help out as most of them are also alcoholics.
He used to be very aggressive and hurt my mother and destroy our house, we also left the country, to show him what life is like without us, but we don't want him to kill himself, so we reunited again.

He is not as aggressive as he used to be now, I used to have to stand up against him, because i felt I needed to protect my mother. Now my brother and I are older and I don't think he wants us to see him hurting our mother as we would never forgive him.
He drinks about 1.5 litres of vodka a day and he eats so much, but he's vomiting everyday and has awfully painful stomach and lower back ache, he also has an extremely bad cough, and most of the tine he cant breath, he drinks more than his aunt, who is seriously ill due to over drinking.
I need to find a way to help him asap. Or else he will die, and my mother and I cant stand watching him suffer by coursing his own problems, and doesn't even want help.
If anyone has any ideas of what else I can do, I would very much appreciate it.

suki44883

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's so hard to watch those we love destroy themselves. The hard truth is...unless he wants help, there's nothing you can do. It sounds like he has no intention of quitting drinking and you cannot save him.

You can, however, save yourselves. You do not have to sit and watch him kill himself. When you left, he drank and when you came back, he continued to drink. He is going to drink. Your control is only over what you are willing to live with.

I'm sorry. I know that isn't what you wanted to hear. There is a lot of support here. We have a wonderful friends and family forum that can help you. Here's a link...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope you'll post there and read the stickie posts at the top of that forum. There is a wealth of information and support there. (((HUGS)))

enfinthechange

Oh my, you poor thing, what an awful situation to be in... I am not an expert, nor a medical person, but I will say this - it is not you who will save him, he has to save himself. You can help, but it is not your burden. You clearly care an awful lot, and it must be harrowing and distressing for you... but it is not your fault. He has to want to stop, or his chronic addiction will go on...

This is only my opinion btw...

You are doing the right thing by seeking knowledge, help and support... read some of the threads in here, and maybe you will find something you can use to try and get him to see the way.

Good luck, and keep coming back to chat to people, you need all the help you can!

Sending you strength x

hollynka

Thank you both for your information I appropriate it very much, I have this horrible feeling that i will have to leave him with his problem, as i was saying to a friend recently, I'm not sure what's worse, if i stay with him a watch him slowly kill himself or leave and just hear about the awful news when it happens.
I also have a feeling of anger that i really want to get rid of, i will always forgive him but I cant forget about what had happened in the past.

Thank you so much for answering, straight away I don't feel as lonely.
Xxx

Mountainmanbob

you sound like you really wish to help him
it's sad because
truthfully there is not a whole lot you can do

but -- you could try

buying him an AA Big Book
if he reads it -- it will explain his condition to him all so well

go with him to an AA meeting or two or three

tell him that the family members think that
he may live a little longer if he goes to rehab

nothing wrong with the truth

we think that you are alcoholic and very close to death

MM

ichabod

Holly, if love were enough none of us would be here. The sad truth is that you can't save him, but you can save yourself. No one can love someone to sobriety. The addict must decide that he wants sobriety above all else. If he doesn't he will drink himself to death.

Go to alanon and learn how to cope with people who understand. You are not his keeper.

Opivotal

Holly, I moved your post to Friends and Family of Alcoholics. Lot's of great support there.

hollynka

Thank you

CodeJob

Holly,

Your feeling of anger is perfectly normal. I would imagine it would take a large novel if you were to go to review the past 11 years. There is no magic spell to make an A stop. Your love is fully acknowledged, but it is not a super power to stop an A bent on self destruction. I am so sorry.

You can tell him goodbye now. Tell him you love him, you understand he wants to destroy himself, and you are giving him the dignity to continue though you need to remove yourself from this painful situation.

Please consider trying Al Anon and counseling. Not sure what your mom is up to, but you have the right to extricate yourself and seek some further emotional support.

Hugs to you. Welcome to SR. Please read around and keep posting here if it is a good release for you.

SparkleKitty

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't believe we are capable of forcing others to change against their will. Until HE HIMSELF desires to stop drinking more than he desires to keep drinking, I don't think there is anything you can do or say to make a difference.

All I can tell you is that you risk doing yourself a great disservice by taking the responsibility for saving another person from himself all upon your shoulders. The best we can ever hope for is to save ourselves.

hollynka

Thank you everyone ever so much for your caring comments, i appreciate it very much!
I see there is probably nothing I can do help.
My mum has stood by him and trough everything, she has been very strong, and still is, I feel like I need to stand strong with her.
Thank you again everyone! Its very nice hearing such kind things said, and straight away I don't feel as lonely with this all. Xxx

AnvilheadII

it is so tragic and painful when alcoholics get to this stage and still refuse to acknowledge a problem or seek any help. your mom has put up with an awful lot and this must surely be nearly impossible for her to deal with now. alanon would be good for all of you - your mom, you and your brother, because it's FOR you, for all loved ones affected by another's drinking.

i wish i had more to offer. i watched my mom die from liver disease. she wouldn't quit, she didn't WANT to quit. and it killed her. and it still mystifies me in so many ways.

PaperDolls

The title of this thread made me stop in my tracks because it's exactly how I felt when my mother was drinking herself to death. I went to an Alanon meeting and no one understood the situation. I HAD to save her. I couldn't just let her end up homeless. They just kept telling me I had to let her do what she was going to do. I couldn't control her.

I cannot express how pissed off I was and how alone I felt. It was obvious to me they did not understand what was happening.

I was making myself crazy trying to figure out the 'thing' that would fix her (even though, like you, I had tried everything I could think of). I was making myself sick (in my case sicker, because I was in the middle of my own twisted alcoholism) and it was effecting everything in my life. I was in a state of panic and depression and I couldn't figure out what to do.

Now, 10 years later, she's sober and I can see it more clearly. I had nothing to do with her drinking nor her eventual sobriety.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in holly. Just know that we are here to listen.

ichabod

I have 2 alcoholics in my life. One is my RAH who is sober, working his program, and improving his life day by day. He was a heavy drinker for almost 35 years and is proof that people can recover if they decide to commit to sobriety. It was a long, hard road.

The other is my sister. She is 43 but looks 60 and has been drinking herself to death since she was a teenager, with not even half - hearted attempts at recovery. We've begged, pleaded, and thrown countless hours away babysitting her throughout her binges. She's had a million offers of funding for rehab and she blows each one of them off. She has no desire or will to change her life and will drink until she dies. I love her so much but have come to realize that she has to do it herself and that my life is far more stressful and painful when I think I can solve her problems. I've had to let go.

Hollynka, you never have to stop loving him, and you shouldnt. His addiction doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but drink comes first. Love yourself enough to make yourself your top priority. You deserve that!

Seren

Hello holly! Welcome!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad you found us. SR is a wonderful place for support.

I merged your two threads and all the existing replies into one so that folks wouldn't get confused.

I hope you will stick around....keep reading and posting. Please do take good care of yourself. I know how tragic and overwhelmingly sad it is to watch someone we love be so self-destructive.

Recovering2

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. Your Stepdad is a grown man, and has the right to decide how he lives his life. Sadly, he has the right to make bad choices and not seek treatment for his disease. You have 11 years of history that confirms that fact. But you have choices too.

So here's what you CAN do. Find an AlAnon group, and start attending. It's suggested you attend at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Try a few different groups if they're available, each one has its own flavor. There is no judgement, no lecturing, no pity in those rooms. Everyone there has a similar story, we all "get it". You will find tremendous support in dealing with your Stepdad's addiction.

Read all you can. "The Language of Letting Go", "Co-dependent No More". Both books by Melody Beattie (sp?). Read the sticky's at the top of this page. Educate yourself about this disease.

Keep posting here. Be open to what you read. We may not always like the feedback we get, but usually the messages are right on.

It's hard to understand, but the best thing we can do for our loved ones is Get. Out. Of. The. Way. If love was enough to save them, then this site wouldn't exist. We all have deep love for our alcoholics, that's what makes us so crazy trying to "get" them sober. It isn't enough. Take care of yourself. If you're not healthy, you're not good for anything else.

Big ((((HUGS))) to you.

enfinthechange

There are so many nice, caring, kind people on here, it is quite humbling. I hope they have helped you think a little of what to do Holly, kind thoughts from me to you x

hopeful4

Hi Holly. I just want to welcome you. I cannot imagine all you have endured and are enduring. I hope you continue to reach out for support, you will find it here! Have you thought about Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Also great support tools.

I am so sorry for what brings you here but so glad you found us. You are not alone!

newbeginning10

That is the disease of addiction, we think we can stop drinking but we can't. The only way that i was able to become sober was to find out what caused me the pain for me to start drinking . A lot of bad things from when i was younger,but once i realized that it was not my fought . That is when i was able to start the healing process. I have been sober for 200 days. Have a good night and god bless you and your family,
Heather

newbeginning10

Just remember 1 day at a time. You and your family are in my prays.