Obsessing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Obsessing
So it's been two whole days since I told my ABF that I can't be with him unless he gets sober. It's been the longest time. I'm obsessing with wanting to contact him, wanting to know he is rushing to get sober, wanting to know what he is doing. How do I get him out of my head? If it wasn't for this forum then I don't think I could even have lasted this long.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Will let's play it until the end...possibly
What if he gets sober. Will he stay sober? Are you going to be going through his pockets, checking his phone, smelling his breath? Will you ever trust him not to drink? What if he relapses? What will you do?
He's just a bf right now. You can walk away. What if he was your husband and you have three kids and no job?
It's just so sad. Good luck Honey.
What if he gets sober. Will he stay sober? Are you going to be going through his pockets, checking his phone, smelling his breath? Will you ever trust him not to drink? What if he relapses? What will you do?
He's just a bf right now. You can walk away. What if he was your husband and you have three kids and no job?
It's just so sad. Good luck Honey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Thinking,
You are in the early withdrawal stages of leaving your addict (who had clearly become your addiction). It's so tough; I just want you to know that I understand so well.
I have a little story to share, to maybe keep your mind off your X for a few minutes: When I broke if off with my xABF last summer, I kept busy with friends, outings, exercise, and generally structuring my days so I didn't have too much time alone, mooning around. I watched a lot of movies, read a lot of novels, took LOTS of walks. After a week or so, I was driving to pick up a friend for a concert and passed a discount cigarette store that I drive by EVERY DAY, and never even notice. I had a sudden, almost overwhelming urge to smoke (used to, quit over 20 years ago) - so powerful, I kind of got sweaty, heart racing, the whole thing, nearly pulled into the parking lot. It was like the addiction "pathway" in my brain was activated (by leaving xbf) and it kind of crossed over to a long dormant, different addiction. WOW!
I was stunned, and also humbled... It gave me not only great compassion for others suffering from chemical addictions, but for myself, and just how deep and unhealthy those brain habits had become FOR ME.
I continued on my way, didn't buy smokes! Each day it felt a little less intense. 8 months later, I can even talk to my X on the phone occasionally (though I don't recommend this), and not feel triggered. It's a process. Honor yourself, your feelings, your pain and your struggles. Acknowledge it, and let it pass through you. You're going to be OK.
((hugs))
You are in the early withdrawal stages of leaving your addict (who had clearly become your addiction). It's so tough; I just want you to know that I understand so well.
I have a little story to share, to maybe keep your mind off your X for a few minutes: When I broke if off with my xABF last summer, I kept busy with friends, outings, exercise, and generally structuring my days so I didn't have too much time alone, mooning around. I watched a lot of movies, read a lot of novels, took LOTS of walks. After a week or so, I was driving to pick up a friend for a concert and passed a discount cigarette store that I drive by EVERY DAY, and never even notice. I had a sudden, almost overwhelming urge to smoke (used to, quit over 20 years ago) - so powerful, I kind of got sweaty, heart racing, the whole thing, nearly pulled into the parking lot. It was like the addiction "pathway" in my brain was activated (by leaving xbf) and it kind of crossed over to a long dormant, different addiction. WOW!
I was stunned, and also humbled... It gave me not only great compassion for others suffering from chemical addictions, but for myself, and just how deep and unhealthy those brain habits had become FOR ME.
I continued on my way, didn't buy smokes! Each day it felt a little less intense. 8 months later, I can even talk to my X on the phone occasionally (though I don't recommend this), and not feel triggered. It's a process. Honor yourself, your feelings, your pain and your struggles. Acknowledge it, and let it pass through you. You're going to be OK.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Occupy yourself with other things, like spiderqueen suggests.
His recovery will have to be his choice and worked by him, but I really get you
are having a hard time giving up your addiction to him.
You have a child as I recall, and if it helps, remember that she shouldn't have to deal
with a (maybe) newly-recovering alcoholic nor with you obsessing about the same
Spring is here--take her out and play on the swingsets, maybe meet a nice, nonaddicted man at the dog park. . .
His recovery will have to be his choice and worked by him, but I really get you
are having a hard time giving up your addiction to him.
You have a child as I recall, and if it helps, remember that she shouldn't have to deal
with a (maybe) newly-recovering alcoholic nor with you obsessing about the same
Spring is here--take her out and play on the swingsets, maybe meet a nice, nonaddicted man at the dog park. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Thank you all for reminding me why I am doing this. I know I need to leave him behind and I'm working on breaking my 'addiction'. Feels like there should be a badge every time I make it to a new milestone! :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Thinking,
Congrats for the courage! I feel the same way Thank God for SR website & all the great folks on here. We can find friends who know exactly what we all go through. Stay strong Thinking, stay strong. You hold your ground! Best wishes!
Congrats for the courage! I feel the same way Thank God for SR website & all the great folks on here. We can find friends who know exactly what we all go through. Stay strong Thinking, stay strong. You hold your ground! Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When you tell someone they have to get sober it rarely works unless they want the same thing for themselves. The thing to accept is that you are going to need to look at his behavior (no words, just actions) over the long haul to see if he is going to get sober and recover or not.
It is hard to turn the focus back to yourself when that is not what you are usto, but that is just what you need to do. Take this time to explore you, your wants, your needs, who you are and what you deserve. Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or have any sort of face to face support? It would very likely help you through this difficult time.
Good Luck and God Bless! I wish you both a happy and healthy recovery!
It is hard to turn the focus back to yourself when that is not what you are usto, but that is just what you need to do. Take this time to explore you, your wants, your needs, who you are and what you deserve. Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or have any sort of face to face support? It would very likely help you through this difficult time.
Good Luck and God Bless! I wish you both a happy and healthy recovery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I have thought this through and I can see why I'm stuck in that false hope that things might change. Just getting to the point where my heart knows it is false hope is much harder.
My father was a high functioning alcoholic. He beat my mother and us, spent his money on women and living the high life. Yet to the outside world he was this charming man who had a wonderful career. My only memories of him are of him telling me how worthless I was, beating me or being afraid that he would beat me. When he eventually left us, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Later I married a man just exactly like him. It took a long time but I eventually realised the lies and that I wasn't this worthless person so I took my daughter and I left.
Another few years later, I found this lovely man who treated me like I was worth something, who told me I was beautiful, helped me in so many ways, treated my daughter so very well that she adored him. I was very careful and I took the relationship slowly but there were a couple of times when he disappeared after an arguement and didn't contact me for a couple of days. He explained that he had difficulty with conflict and I believed that. After two years, we talked about moving in together and then he got sick. He could barely function and slept continuously. So I helped him, just like he had helped me. I got him medical care. I sorted out the problems with his job. I visited him every day at the hospital, bought him all the supplies he needed. Then the doctor explained it was alcoholic liver disease and there was some cirrhosis of his liver. I was so shocked. I just hadn't seen him drinking to any great extent but it seems he had been. When they let him out from the hospital, he came to my home as he wasn't fit to live on his own. Two days after he got home, he told me that I was asking too many questions and so he walked out. I didn't hear from him for three weeks. Then there were flowers and apologies and he contacted a centre to go into a detox programme. But he had 'things to do' before he went into the centre. Some of them were reasonable like sorting out his income and some were just not important at all. The delaying to get help is why I broke up with him. I think I am still shocked that what seemed to me a good relationship turned into this disaster so quickly.
As for attending meetings, I can't do that right now. Money is a real problem for the next few months as I spent so much on the hospital etc. I can't afford sitters or the cost of journeys. So I hope to go eventually but it will have to wait a while until I get sorted.
My father was a high functioning alcoholic. He beat my mother and us, spent his money on women and living the high life. Yet to the outside world he was this charming man who had a wonderful career. My only memories of him are of him telling me how worthless I was, beating me or being afraid that he would beat me. When he eventually left us, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Later I married a man just exactly like him. It took a long time but I eventually realised the lies and that I wasn't this worthless person so I took my daughter and I left.
Another few years later, I found this lovely man who treated me like I was worth something, who told me I was beautiful, helped me in so many ways, treated my daughter so very well that she adored him. I was very careful and I took the relationship slowly but there were a couple of times when he disappeared after an arguement and didn't contact me for a couple of days. He explained that he had difficulty with conflict and I believed that. After two years, we talked about moving in together and then he got sick. He could barely function and slept continuously. So I helped him, just like he had helped me. I got him medical care. I sorted out the problems with his job. I visited him every day at the hospital, bought him all the supplies he needed. Then the doctor explained it was alcoholic liver disease and there was some cirrhosis of his liver. I was so shocked. I just hadn't seen him drinking to any great extent but it seems he had been. When they let him out from the hospital, he came to my home as he wasn't fit to live on his own. Two days after he got home, he told me that I was asking too many questions and so he walked out. I didn't hear from him for three weeks. Then there were flowers and apologies and he contacted a centre to go into a detox programme. But he had 'things to do' before he went into the centre. Some of them were reasonable like sorting out his income and some were just not important at all. The delaying to get help is why I broke up with him. I think I am still shocked that what seemed to me a good relationship turned into this disaster so quickly.
As for attending meetings, I can't do that right now. Money is a real problem for the next few months as I spent so much on the hospital etc. I can't afford sitters or the cost of journeys. So I hope to go eventually but it will have to wait a while until I get sorted.
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