Mixed emotions...
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Mixed emotions...
Hi all. I haven't posted in a while, but really need to get this out. For background, I separated from my AH in 2005 and officially divorced in 2008 after unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation.
Now, he's getting remarried in June. And I'm privy to all the details because my 17yo son is best man. He's getting married in the town where I live even though he and his fiance live 8hrs away.
Part of me is happy for them. But, another part of me is downright angry! I feel ripped off. I feel like we could have had a good life together, but he drank it away. And now she gets the good part. A big wedding with all the friends and family, and for ours we eloped. I put up with all his sh!t for twenty years, and now she gets the nice guy who finally worked through all that! I don't want to be married to him, yet I can't help feeling like I got the short end of the stick!
I know these are just emotions, and that they will pass, but right now I'm mad! I want to stomp my feet and scream in my best three-year-old voice "It's not fair!"
I have a good life, and a partner who is caring and loving, and things are better than they have ever been for me. The last thing I expected is to be rocked by this event, and yet I am. And then there's the part of me that's angry at myself for being angry about this! Ugh!
Thanks for letting me vent.
L
Now, he's getting remarried in June. And I'm privy to all the details because my 17yo son is best man. He's getting married in the town where I live even though he and his fiance live 8hrs away.
Part of me is happy for them. But, another part of me is downright angry! I feel ripped off. I feel like we could have had a good life together, but he drank it away. And now she gets the good part. A big wedding with all the friends and family, and for ours we eloped. I put up with all his sh!t for twenty years, and now she gets the nice guy who finally worked through all that! I don't want to be married to him, yet I can't help feeling like I got the short end of the stick!
I know these are just emotions, and that they will pass, but right now I'm mad! I want to stomp my feet and scream in my best three-year-old voice "It's not fair!"
I have a good life, and a partner who is caring and loving, and things are better than they have ever been for me. The last thing I expected is to be rocked by this event, and yet I am. And then there's the part of me that's angry at myself for being angry about this! Ugh!
Thanks for letting me vent.
L
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I think I get it.
Somehow, that grief doesn't go away completely, does it? Not necessarily grief over the lost relationship even, but grief over all the years you spent trying, hoping....
And I think somewhere, if I were in your shoes, there would be that sneaky little codie thought sticking its head up again, you know the one that says "WAS THERE a magic word I could have said that would have made a difference?"
I'm sorry. I mean, I'm glad he's on his feet and moving forward -- every time an addict does, it's a good thing. I'm sorry you're hurting though.
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I have had this very conversation with my best friend... her ex husband has gotten his act together and increasingly wants to spend time with her and she is upset that he didn't get it together when there was still a chance for them to work things out...
And I have thought about how I might feel if ever I am in the shoes you're in right now and my xAH gets it together and remarries...
What we know intellectually about what's good for us and why things are best as they currently are doesn't always match how we feel emotionally...
You're right that it's not fair that you stuck it out with him during the crap and now he's got it together and someone else gets the good side of him. Not fair at all.
I look to you as someone who seems to always totally completely have it together and it's good to know you're human and have the same emotional confusion as the rest of us from time to time....
I think it's good to say you're upset (to us all) and stomp your feet and cry (and go take some amazing photographs for therapy) and maybe not holding it in will help let it go some...
Thinking of you...
And I have thought about how I might feel if ever I am in the shoes you're in right now and my xAH gets it together and remarries...
What we know intellectually about what's good for us and why things are best as they currently are doesn't always match how we feel emotionally...
You're right that it's not fair that you stuck it out with him during the crap and now he's got it together and someone else gets the good side of him. Not fair at all.
I look to you as someone who seems to always totally completely have it together and it's good to know you're human and have the same emotional confusion as the rest of us from time to time....
I think it's good to say you're upset (to us all) and stomp your feet and cry (and go take some amazing photographs for therapy) and maybe not holding it in will help let it go some...
Thinking of you...
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My ex is getting married too. Different scenario though..he is still actively drinking. In this case, I'm glad it's not me! But I feel for this gal...to a degree. She's aware of what he comes with...she's seen it.
I was thinking about what you said. Was he a good husband when he was sober? Many times the personality traits are still there when sober, just amplified when they're drunk. I wouldn't even want my ex sober at this point. Maybe think about those things and it will help?
I was thinking about what you said. Was he a good husband when he was sober? Many times the personality traits are still there when sober, just amplified when they're drunk. I wouldn't even want my ex sober at this point. Maybe think about those things and it will help?
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The thread titled reminded me of this chuckle…..
Q: What is a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your ex back off a cliff in your new car!
I left my husband to have a happier more peaceful less controlling life away from him. Yet when he remarried less than a year later I also had mixed emotions. Anger, sadness and relief.
I guess a new marriage truly brings about “final” in many ways. The one thing that truly signifies what we had is really over and something new is beginning for them.
Only with me I had relief because deep inside of me I knew his controlling behavior was now going to be focused on someone else. I felt selfish and guilty that I felt that way. I also felt sadness that he moved on so quickly yet relief that he found someone who could put up with that behavior.
I guess there will always be a Ying and a yang when it comes to our ex’s and our emotions. Another way for us to sort out these emotions and grow. Be patient with yourself, nothing is wrong that you are feeling this way, it’s natural. There is always going to be a connection between the two of you because of your child. Your lives will inter twine for years and years to come, this is one of those major first of moments.
((hugs))
Q: What is a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your ex back off a cliff in your new car!
I left my husband to have a happier more peaceful less controlling life away from him. Yet when he remarried less than a year later I also had mixed emotions. Anger, sadness and relief.
I guess a new marriage truly brings about “final” in many ways. The one thing that truly signifies what we had is really over and something new is beginning for them.
Only with me I had relief because deep inside of me I knew his controlling behavior was now going to be focused on someone else. I felt selfish and guilty that I felt that way. I also felt sadness that he moved on so quickly yet relief that he found someone who could put up with that behavior.
I guess there will always be a Ying and a yang when it comes to our ex’s and our emotions. Another way for us to sort out these emotions and grow. Be patient with yourself, nothing is wrong that you are feeling this way, it’s natural. There is always going to be a connection between the two of you because of your child. Your lives will inter twine for years and years to come, this is one of those major first of moments.
((hugs))
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You're right WTBH. I needed to let it out. I can't let it out in real life because who would understand? I don't want my kids to think I'm vengeful and I don't want my partner to think I'd rather be with my X. I don't want the *reality* of what he has, but this news has awakened the fantasy of what I thought we could have, or could have had. I know he's still the same selfish jerk he was with me, drinking or not. I know she will likely carry the bulk of the financial load in their relationship. But, I also know the tender part of him I fell in love with all those years ago. And I know that part will probably be less and less prominent as time goes on, just as it was when we were together.
My logical brain knows all this. But, my emotional brain doesn't. That's what sucks about emotions. We have to feel them, whether we like it or not.
L
My logical brain knows all this. But, my emotional brain doesn't. That's what sucks about emotions. We have to feel them, whether we like it or not.
L
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Originally Posted by atalose 
The thread titled reminded me of this chuckle…..
Q: What is a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your ex back off a cliff in your new car!
Q: What is a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your ex back off a cliff in your new car!
Our lives are forever entangled because of the children. I truly want to get to the place where what he does in his romantic life matters not to me. And I thought I was there. Not yet. I'm still a work in progress.
L
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I can't let it out in real life because who would understand?
I don't want my kids to think I'm vengeful and I don't want my partner to think I'd rather be with my X. I don't want the *reality* of what he has,
but this news has awakened the fantasy of what I thought we could have, or could have had.
My logical brain knows all this. But, my emotional brain doesn't. That's what sucks about emotions. We have to feel them, whether we like it or not.
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Well, wouldn't you know it. Just when I need it most, my wonderful almost-ready-for-college son tonight thanked me for divorcing his father and stopping the dysfunction in his life. He told me he probably wouldn't be applying to Yale (yes Yale!) at this time in his life had he still been living in the same household as his dad. My heart just about burst with joy!
Yep, Hammer, she can deal with him now. Poor woman! LOL
L
Yep, Hammer, she can deal with him now. Poor woman! LOL
L
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We (my son and I) actually had a very long talk about a lot of things last night. Him thanking me for leaving his father was only the highlight. Well, at least it was a highlight for me, lol. But, he's having mixed feelings about things, too. And he's under stress because the college decisions (acceptance/rejection) are starting to come in. We both decided that when the future feels uncertain, that's when unresolved issues from the past come to the surface. We both have big changes ahead of us, so it's probably to be expected that stuff we thought was behind us is cropping up.
And I must admit that if felt really good for him to reaffirm my choice of divorce. Both of my children have told me before that their lives were/are better post-divorce, but last night I really needed to hear it again.
L
And I must admit that if felt really good for him to reaffirm my choice of divorce. Both of my children have told me before that their lives were/are better post-divorce, but last night I really needed to hear it again.
L
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Originally Posted by Thinking
You are mourning the fairy tale life that we all imagine when we are young.
Feeling bad is just an emotion and emotions are not facts. It's OK to feel them, but don't read too much into them. And notice that emotions come and emotions go. Just another thing we don't control in this life.
Before I read Thinking's comment I was also mindful that maybe you saved your husbands life by divorcing him. Maybe that was the boot in the a$$ that gave him the push to get his life together? Something that maybe you can be proud of and grateful for, whether anyone ever recognizes you for it or not?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
We (my son and I) actually had a very long talk about a lot of things last night. Him thanking me for leaving his father was only the highlight. Well, at least it was a highlight for me, lol. But, he's having mixed feelings about things, too. And he's under stress because the college decisions (acceptance/rejection) are starting to come in. We both decided that when the future feels uncertain, that's when unresolved issues from the past come to the surface. We both have big changes ahead of us, so it's probably to be expected that stuff we thought was behind us is cropping up.
And I must admit that if felt really good for him to reaffirm my choice of divorce. Both of my children have told me before that their lives were/are better post-divorce, but last night I really needed to hear it again.
L
And I must admit that if felt really good for him to reaffirm my choice of divorce. Both of my children have told me before that their lives were/are better post-divorce, but last night I really needed to hear it again.
L
The ex might be marrying someone new but that doesn't diminish anything the two of you had. I find it suspicious they got married near you (8 hours away). Those kind of oddities are sometimes hiding things like he wanted to be close to you and your kids. You will be alright.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
You really do have such a good head on yours shoulders. Your kids are lucky to have you.
I remember when I heard that M married the guy that beat her up on a regular. It was a punch in the gut for sure, but I got over it really, really quick. You will too.
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You guys are the best!
A couple of the things my son reminded me of:
"Mom, he's still unemployed. He's 50 years old and doing odd jobs for money." I didn't know this. His new wife is probably paying for the wedding.
Also, when he was in town this past weekend (checking out the wedding venue), he asked my son to show him around his high school. My son actually got teary eyed telling me that he just realized that he's gone to that school for four years and not once has his dad even been on the campus. (And his sister went to the same school for four years prior.)
Yeah, I'm already over it, lol.
L
A couple of the things my son reminded me of:
"Mom, he's still unemployed. He's 50 years old and doing odd jobs for money." I didn't know this. His new wife is probably paying for the wedding.
Also, when he was in town this past weekend (checking out the wedding venue), he asked my son to show him around his high school. My son actually got teary eyed telling me that he just realized that he's gone to that school for four years and not once has his dad even been on the campus. (And his sister went to the same school for four years prior.)
Yeah, I'm already over it, lol.
L
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I feel when we hear of an ex getting married we also fall in the fantasy that they have their life together and everything will be happiness from that moment on, or at least that is how I have felt haha but often its not true
And of course I hope everyone recovered recovers for good but I remember some cases here where someone was an example for years and then they relapse... so I don't know, if I would be able to live peacefully knowing that my partner might relapse any moment for any stressor (or without any reason) and everything can go to hell any given moment
So glad you are feeling better LTD! yes, perhaps you saved his life, and you improved your and your kids' life, and you have helped countless others in SR, and you inspired me to take photos and now my sister is inspired to share hers because I am doing it, so bottomline.... you are one of the most awesome people I have ever "known" and probably you will never notice what great an impact your recovery has had in others, like waves
And of course I hope everyone recovered recovers for good but I remember some cases here where someone was an example for years and then they relapse... so I don't know, if I would be able to live peacefully knowing that my partner might relapse any moment for any stressor (or without any reason) and everything can go to hell any given moment
So glad you are feeling better LTD! yes, perhaps you saved his life, and you improved your and your kids' life, and you have helped countless others in SR, and you inspired me to take photos
and now my sister is inspired to share hers because I am doing it, so bottomline.... you are one of the most awesome people I have ever "known" and probably you will never notice what great an impact your recovery has had in others, like waves
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