ALittleBitCrazy

so, I'm pretty sure my AH is drinking again. I have a terrible sense of smell, but I still think I can smell it on his breath. And my daughter and I both agree his behavior has changed as well - back into a much easier to deal with person, sadly. My other two kids haven't noticed at all, and I've said nothing to them about his drinking.

I know the drinking is bad for him, but prior to this (when he was sober) he would pick fights constantly, make things tense, "hack" my phone, make my life as uncomfortable as possible. I think he still hacks my phone, but since there's nothing to see I don't really care - I don't have anything to hide. He doesn't seem to pick fights (although he is clearly not being honest about his feelings, either - as I have discovered in other ways). And while things are tense, they aren't *as* tense - or, if they are, it is because now I'm just concerned.

I do think he's using alcohol to "cope" with the issues I seem to have presented him with - he hates my friends, he doesn't like my family much better, hasn't liked any of the things "I've been doing". (Spending time with friends and family, working, being a parent, etc.) But at least when he's drinking, these things don't seem to bother him. Things aren't placid, but they are much better than when he's sober.

So, what do I do? Do I let him keep drinking "secretly", and not let on that I know, and enjoy the relative peace? Do I ask him about it, knowing he'll probably deny it and resent me for it, make things uncomfortable again? Should I just assume the drinking will progress, until he's again unable to hide it? I do worry about my kids getting in a car with him - he's already had one DWI with them in the car, and he had a BAC of .33 - nearly killing all of them when he totaled his car. But since he doesn't seem to do it during the day, that isn't really an issue - I feel like I'd just be picking the fight.

So…what do I do, friends?

Raider

Your last paragraph is alarming. You ask if you "let" him drink... I'm sorry, but this is not your call. Confront not confront. Does it matter, you say he's going to lie anyway. As for the kids, they are number 1 here and I would never let them in a car with him, daylight or dawn.
I don't know what you should do really. All I know, is that your are your kids' last hope of keeping safe. Prayers

ALittleBitCrazy

I should be more clear - like many people on this site, I've turned my life inside out, largely to make sure I'm the one who takes the kids to school, picks them up, gets them to practice, etc. - so they aren't spending oodles of time with him in the car, or even at home alone with him. So, please don't think I'm not "keeping them safe" - I'm doing whatever I can, home as much as I can be or having them with someone else when I can't. I just recognize life intervenes.

marie1960

So let's just pretend you confront him about the drinking, and he answers, YES , he is drinking again.

NOW WHAT?

What does alittlebitcrazy want to do?

ALittleBitCrazy

that's exactly where I get stuck, too, marie1960. I have no idea, hence the reason I haven't said anything. But I hate that he thinks it's okay for him to be sneaky like that, but then criticize me for what he sees as similar behavior. (I don't drink, so I'm not sure where that's coming from.)

petty and juvenile - I know.

marie1960

In your words, you stated, He hates your friends and dislikes your family, doesn't like anything you do, including PARENTING, picks fights and invades your privacy ( hacks phone). he is not honestly communicating with you, and makes you uncomfortable.

This doesn't sound like a very healthy, and happy life for you, my friend.

Regardless if he is drinking or not, time to improve your life and state of mind.

honeypig

ALittleBitCrazy, I wonder if you've considered Alanon to help you get some focus on YOU and where you want to go and what you want to do. You say you have no idea what you want, so I think getting some clue about that would be a pretty high priority.

Especially since there are kids involved (who you say your A "nearly killed when he totalled his car" while driving drunk), I think you need to find an answer to this sooner rather than later. Check out this section of the forum if you doubt that your children are being affected: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Wishing you clarity and strength.

hopeful4

Protect your children. So sorry.

AnvilheadII

I just recognize life intervenes. sorry, i'm not even going to be gentle here....he already almost KILLED THEM once. i don't care if it's "convenient" find somebody else to drive them. might not get so lucky the next time.........

you are right, you ARE turning YOUR life inside out and upside down to try and bend around HIM...his drinking, his issues, his temper, his negativity......it sounds like a deeply unpleasant arrangement for you and the children. soul killing. have you considered what life might be like without the big bad wolf sitting there making everybody miserable?

lillamy

*Gasp* You have friends and family and you're taking care of your children and working? What a horrid human being you must be; of course he has to cope with that somehow! </sarcasm>

Those are some pretty rotten excuses. They sound to me like "My wife is doing everything a normal person does and therefore, I have to drink." And it sounds familiar, too. AXH would drink because it was too hot or too cold, because he got a promotion or didn't, because I talked to much or didn't pay attention to him, etc.

The point I finally came to in my first marriage, when I decided it was time to start making an escape plan, was when I felt that it didn't really matter whether he was drunk or sober, I was miserable in the marriage and that wasn't how I wanted to live the rest of my life. But it took me a long time because I sort of wanted everyone to agree with me that I had the right to leave. I didn't trust my own judgment much.

But I would like to offer that if you are unhappy, you don't have to wait for him to go back to being drunk all the time in order to leave. You always have that right.