infidelity and blackouts, husband possible Alcoholic

Old 03-23-2014, 03:12 PM
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infidelity and blackouts, husband possible Alcoholic

I found out three days ago that while my husband of 10 years was in Brooklyn , NY. He got so drunk, blacked out and woke up the next morning with his pants off in some other strangers/woman's bed. He says he doesn't remember anything except being at the bar. When he woke up the woman turned around and he asked he where he was and what happened. She told him that he was in her apartment and that they "kinda had sex". He quickly ran out of her apartment and caught a cab back to his hotel. I have seen him blackout before but usually at home. I am so hurt. I am not 100% sure that he doesn't remember anything. We have never had a problem in our marriage and I know it sounds cliche but I know he would never do this intentionally. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do. Can I forgive him? Should I forgive him? Is it really possible for him to be blacked out for such a long period of time?
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Old 03-23-2014, 03:21 PM
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I'm so sorry your husband was unfaithful. No one deserves that pain.

As far as forgiveness goes, that's totally on an individual basis and depends on your own feelings regarding infidelity. For me personally, infidelity is the end of the line. I cannot forgive that and there will never be an excuse good enough to make it okay. Infidelity is for cowards.

My experience with blackouts from being blackout drunk in my college days is that I remember bits and pieces of things that I've done, but I've never had sex and not remembered it. My husband is an alcoholic and has been blackout drunk around me and during those times has has his most regrettable behavior but he also remembers tiny bits of what happened. BUT being blackout drunk isn't an acceptable excuse for behaving badly in my opinion and that's what it is.
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Old 03-23-2014, 03:42 PM
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I too am sorry you find yourself in this situation. With any wrongdoing, especially one caused by your partner's choices (whether drinking or infidelity), there should be no rush to decide whether you can forgive. If he's asking you for a quick decision, that is extremely unfair to you. Give yourself time time time. The obvious problem is the blackout drinking, that is a typical glaring sign of an addiction.
Take care of yourself!
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Old 03-23-2014, 05:04 PM
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I remember XA would blackout probably 5 out of 7 days of the week.

Sometimes, I would back pedal the previous nights events ( to him) to see where he checked out at, and many times it was much earlier than i thought . He was still walking, talking, eating, drinking, dancing, but the next day, he would ask where we went to eat? what time did we get home? who did we see? It was pure insanity.

Only you can decide what an acceptable standard of living is. Cheating is a deal breaker for me.

If I were in your shoes, I do not believe I would grant him that "get of jail free" card. Just because he was drunk, does not excuse his unacceptable choices.

Have you ever heard the saying, " sometimes we give the booze too much credit?"

Realizing your plate is currently overflowing, now may not be the best time to say this but,.......... I read quite a bit of denial in your post, " the he would never intentionally do this" is making an excuse for an ADULT MAN who is supposed to be RESPONSIBLE for himself.

You cannot own his disease, I can only hope this is his bottom, and he is seeking out IMMEDIATE help.
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Old 03-23-2014, 05:07 PM
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My RAH had a short affair and a one night stand want for more while he was drinking. Can I ask how you found out? Did he tell you this info? How did that convo come up?
Mine knowledge came from a discovery on his computer, just about killed me, but it didn't. my H quit drinking that day and is working on everything else with me..


if he is drinking to excess and blacking out at home, this could have easily happened anywhere else too. It's time for him to fess up.
Hardly anyone would ever believe their spouse would do this to them
But the sad horrible thing is, they do it.
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Old 03-24-2014, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by EDV View Post
I found out three days ago that while my husband of 10 years was in Brooklyn , NY. He got so drunk, blacked out and woke up the next morning with his pants off in some other strangers/woman's bed. He says he doesn't remember anything except being at the bar. When he woke up the woman turned around and he asked he where he was and what happened. She told him that he was in her apartment and that they "kinda had sex". He quickly ran out of her apartment and caught a cab back to his hotel. I have seen him blackout before but usually at home. I am so hurt. I am not 100% sure that he doesn't remember anything. We have never had a problem in our marriage and I know it sounds cliche but I know he would never do this intentionally. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do. Can I forgive him? Should I forgive him? Is it really possible for him to be blacked out for such a long period of time?
May I gently suggest that these 2 statements are not consistent w/each other? Most healthy people would consider it a problem in their marriage to have their partner drink to blackout. It is NOT normal OR healthy behavior, and it sounds as if your husband's problem has skewed your perspective and affected your life.

Please, read here as much as you can to educate yourself about alcoholism, and please consider attending Alanon to get more education and support for yourself. You deserve better than this, truly.
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Old 03-24-2014, 11:05 AM
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I believe that alcohol is a poor excuse for bad behavior.
A person who is capable of cheating on you drunk is capable of cheating on you sober. That's not a line you just happen to accidentally cross because you drink too much one night.

I'm not saying cheating has to be an absolute deal breaker for everyone. But I wouldn't tolerate "I got so drunk I don't know what happened" as an excuse. That would just mean we would have TWO problems -- drinking AND cheating -- instead of one.
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Old 03-24-2014, 11:09 AM
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Ahhh yes, the drunken amnesia.

Are you willing to be with someone who blacks out and when blacked out has sex with another woman?

My XAH usto use his blackouts from drinking as excuses for bad bad behavior. Eventually I came to realize it does not make a difference if he remembers or not, there are still consequences and too many times those were affecting me and my children also.

I hope you see you deserve more.
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Old 03-24-2014, 11:36 AM
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When someone is blackout drunk, they know what they are doing when they do it. Don't let the fact that he doesn't remember what happened excuse the fact that he DID know what he was doing while he was doing it.
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:00 PM
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thanks suki, i was going to say the same thing. the BLACKOUT is what occurs afterwards - a period of the MEMORY that is blacked out. while there might not be much brain functioning WHILE drunk, there is still congnition....nobody can get from a bar to someone's house, get naked, and perform sexually while in a coma. they have to be upright, ahem, so to speak........

if he gets blind ass drunk at home, are you saying that is not a problem for you?
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Old 03-24-2014, 01:22 PM
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Alcohol doesn't make people do bad things, it just makes it easier for bad people to do bad things.

Your friend,
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Old 03-24-2014, 03:39 PM
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Although it's hard to conduct and find accurate research about blackouts, it's been recorded that the blackout stage is usually preceded by very rapid drinking at very high volume: drinking a very large amount, very quickly. Which is not the way people usually drink, even when they are an alcoholic. And that the speed and volume affects the brains ability to make memories, hence the problem people have remembering.

Being in a black out drunk doesn't mean you are unconscious and don't know what you are doing. People can converse, even sound articulate, walk, and conduct activities in a blackout. They make choices and rationalize- The most common effect is the loss of memory afterwards, not the loss of honesty and integrity. If a person were unconscious during a blackout, they couldn't do all the things they do: like sit in a bar and pick someone up. They would be flat out cold lying on the pavement, which is end stage of a black out episode.
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Old 03-25-2014, 09:24 AM
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Thank you for all of your responses. I really appreciate an outsider giving me advice. I have decided to forgive my husband but not forget and I am definitely having a difficult time dealing with the amount of pain this has caused me. I do not want to defend him but the reasons I have decided to forgive is that I truly believe that 1) he does not remember 2) he told me quickly, he could have easily not told me since it was in a different city and he didn't even know her name 3) His initiative to set up counseling. He doesn't drink every day, in fact probably only every other week, and usually at home when he is trying to fall asleep (a problem here also). There have been times where I have woken up because he is giving foreplay only to have him completely stop when I start to return the foreplay. Sorry if that is TMI. So somewhere in my head there is a slight thought that he wasn't actually able to perform. I apologize for my unorganized rambling. Just hurt.
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Old 03-25-2014, 09:32 AM
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EDV-

I read a great book that helped me alot in your situation

"How Can I Forgive You? And the Freedom Not To." By Janis Abrahm Springs who specializes in infidelity (though this book is not about infidelity). Her other book helped me immensely with healing from an affair also.

One of the most important things I learned is that I don't have to decide anything today.....I can wait until I feel all of the emotions that come up and give myself the space to decide. I felt a lot of emtions about this for a long time and for me "deciding" to forgive early on would have been me stuffing down my emotions.

In the end the drinking was a bigger challenge for me to recover from....I hope you are taking good care of you right now.
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:34 AM
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EDV, altho you have the "slight idea in your head that he wasn't able to perform", the intent was clearly there, wouldn't you say? And to reiterate what others have said, the blackout occurs after the drinking--it's not like he was in some sort of zombie state when he went home w/this woman and had no control over his actions.

However, it sounds as if your mind is made up, and of course, only you know the right thing to do for you. I think the advice to take some time and make sure you feel all the emotions before deciding what you do is good--I also understand the urge to forgive and get it behind you.

You know where to find us if you need or want more discussion!
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