MHF

My fiance has been sober for almost 2 years and I have not drank in that time out of respect for him. My birthday is coming up and my sister wants to organize a girls night that weekend to celebrate. I spoke with my fiance last night about this and he got very angry. I would like to go out for my birthday and have a few drinks, it is going to be my 21st. He said he would feel better if he could come, but I don't want him putting himself into that situation because I feel like it is too risky. He also said he would only want me to have one drink, which I also would not want to do. I've drank before and know my limits, I just want to have fun with a few friends and some family doing karaoke at a bar. Would it be wrong of me to do this?

Mountainmanbob

his Program seems to be weak
MM

AnvilheadII

he wants to go on GIRLS NIGHT OUT? it's your BD honey...if you want to go out with your sis and girlfriends that should be ok. your drinking or NOT drinking doesn't affect HIS sobriety unless he allows it to. pretty controlling of him to give you RULES - either don't go, he goes or you are limited to one drink.

Pia

Hummm this sticks out to me "He also said he would only want me to have one drink"

If it was me I would set boundaries. It is great he is sober however don't loose yourself in this relationship.

CodeJob

Why is he controlling this situation? You are so young to be engaged! Not even 21!? How old is he to have 2 years sober? You have every right to pop out with friends and family as Long as you have a safe way home! happy 21!

unsureoffuture

I agree, your going out with the girls on your birthday and having a few drinks doesn't have anything to do with HIS sobriety. If he is upset that he is not involved in the birthday celebration then perhaps you could plan something with him either the night before or after. For a relationship to be on solid ground, there has to be an element of trust as well as separate interests between the partners. His telling you how much to drink seems extremely controlling and sets up some red flags. Is like this in other areas of your relationship ?

Rosiepetal

I think he is being unreasonable.
I am with a RABF sober now 15mths.
I had a wedding to go to on Sat night where I would socialise with people I hadn't seen in a long time.
My RABF had a 65th to go to so he went along to that (one of the first times for him socialising around alcohol) & I took my best friend to the wedding.
RABF & I discussed the issues & feelings we might face beforehand.
He wanted me to go out & have a good time & have a few drinks if I wanted to.
He said alcoholism is his problem & he must learn to face & deal with it.
I would not have felt comfortable drinking around him & it was easier to partner with my friend.
He only stayed at the 65th for a little while & started to feel uncomfortable & then came home & gave me & my friend a ride to the wedding so we didn't have to drive.
I am amazed at how good he's been & I admire his strength.
I know how hard it is when you don't want to tread on their toes but also wish to have a little freedom for special occasions.
I think you have the right to choose to do what you like, this I believe is a boundary.
Hope this helps.

marie1960

Red Flag alert!!!!

He is treating you like a piece of property, not a human being .

It's your 21st birthday if you choose to celebrate with friends that is your choice. If you want to enjoy a girl's night out, that is perfectly ok.

He is not your parent, and you are not a child, you do not need his permission.


Healthy relationships thrive when two people encourage each other to have outside interests, friends, and hobbies.

The constant need for 24/7 will grow old, real fast.

A girls night out with or without booze is a wonderful time for friends, hope you do not deny yourself a great experience because some baby king is not in control of his emotions/ recovery.

Actually he sounds very immature.


First and foremost, HIS recovery belongs to HIM.

MHF

That helps a lot thank you! We have a 1 year old son and have been together for about 3 years. He is 22 and I feel like part of it is because he could not go out for his 21st in this way. I want to but I feel like I may feel guilty if I come home drunk in any way. I've gone to open meetings with him and even being there makes me feel guilty that everyone there can't drink and I can but he always tells me I shouldn't.

honeypig

As others have said, how is this HIS decision to make? It's YOUR life, and you have every right to drink if you choose. What else does he control or try to control in your life? As was mentioned, this kind of control, treating you as if you're his property and not a person with her own ideas, needs and wants, is a definite red flag for problems later on.

Also not sure why you'd feel guilty that the A's at a meeting can't drink and you can? You didn't cause their alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Have you considered Alanon for yourself? I think you'd find it very helpful.

shil2587

I know you have a child and that you love him. I was in a very similar relationship, minus the child, as you when I was your age. No matter how supportive a controlling man feels, no matter how secure he makes you feel, if he tries to control you like this now, what happens when it's something more serious or you refuse?

There are much better men out there. I really hope you manage to extract yourself from this.

Hugs.

MHF

Is it weird that he says I can go, but I have to find a babysitter because he's going to have to sleep somewhere else because he does not want to be around me being drunk? I have been thinking about going to an alanon meeting, there's one in my area I could go to on Wednesday.

Mountainmanbob

since your man has so many issues
that may be a good idea
MM

ichabod

It's not weird, it is terrible and controlling. He cannot dictate what you can and can't do. Is this what you want? You are so young...

FWIW, my husband is in his 5th year of sobriety and works his program hard. We don't keep alcohol in the house, but he encourages me to drink if I want to because he knows his problem is not mine. I didn't drink at all for about a year after he quit out of solidarity but it was because I wanted to support him, not because he demanded abstinence.

MissFixit

I was in a relationship with a controlling man too. I just turned 22 when we started dating and he was 36. We were together for almost a decade before things ended. There were many double standards in our relationship. One set of rules for him and his friends and a different (stricter) set for me.

I loved that man dearly and looked to him to make decisions for us (and me). I trusted EVERYTHING he said no matter how unreasonable it might be. To me (at the time) I just saw his control as love.

Many years later I understand that control isn't love at all. It is about the controller and their messed up view of the world. When we allow another person to dictate to us "how" we can act or what we can do, we are giving someone with a messed up sense of themselves and the world power over us.

Mountainmanbob

Im the recoved alcoholic in the family
when I first sobered up
even though I assured my wife it was OK
she would still not drink around me
after 6 months or a year
she brought her wine back into the house
her having a glass of wine occasionally
bothers me in no way
if I wanted to drink I would drink
I don't so I don't
MM

AnvilheadII

Is it weird that he says I can go, but I have to find a babysitter because he's going to have to sleep somewhere else because he does not want to be around me being drunk?

how about you spend the night with sis and he can stay home and take care of his own child.

OnlyOneProblem

One of the times in the past when my husband quit drinking WITHOUT working a program he resented me drinking when I went out of town with my girlfriend.

RAH is sober almost 7 months. He works his program and I work mine. We went to lunch the other day and I asked if he would have a problem if I ordered my favorite sangria. I ordered it and we went about our business. Didn't need to discuss it any further.

He sounds like the issue is about him controlling you, when it should be about him controlling his sobriety.

I hope you find peace in your decision.

wanttobehealthy

If he's resentful he "couldn't go out for his (21st)" then it doesn't sound much like he is seeing sobriety as a positive... Seems he resents not drinking and that sounds like white knuckling and not being sober...

Go out with your friends and sister and he needs to get into AA and get a grip.

I am upset for you that he sounds so controlling...

You deserve better than someone who is making you feel guilt and controlled about your bday...

Recovering2

First of all....Happy 21st Birthday! That's a milestone birthday, you deserve a chance to celebrate with girlfriends. I love myRA BF, but I cherish times with my girlfriends too. My suggestion would be to plan ahead of time to stay over night with your sister. That way you can have your fun and not worry about going home. He can take care of his child for a night.

He does not sound like he has recovery. Is he in AA, does he have a Sponsor? He can be sober, but not necessarily working on recovery. If he had real recovery, he would realize that he is responsible for his decisions only. He isn't responsible for what you do. His sobriety is not dependent on what you do. YOU are not the one with the disease. This is about control.

Go have fun on your birthday. Find an Alanon group near you, and start getting support with setting boundaries for yourself.