lillamy

I felt my face get red-hot when I read your post -- because what you're describing is the kind of controlling relationship I was in, too. That feeling -- of being ashamed, as if I had been found out doing something that was terribly wrong -- that feeling has nothing to do with wanting to go out and celebrate your birthday with your girlfriends.

That feeling has everything to do with being afraid of the reaction of the person who is trying to control you if you don't obey them. And it's a horrid feeling of being limited and closed in.

I second and third the comments about how if he was truly in recovery, he would not have a problem with you going out on your birthday with your friends. I understand some addicts don't like to be around drunk people (I'm not a recovering A and I don't care for drunk people) but the line about YOU having to find a babysitter is qualified :bs. It's his child as much as yours, and when he's making it YOUR problem, he's creating difficulties that aren't there.

MHF

He is in AA and he does have a sponsor, he goes to meetings multiple times a week. He has not talked to his sponsor about this either.

MissFixit

Do you think he would tell his sponsor that he controls or attempts to control you? My former controlling bf wasn't an A, he was just a controller and verbally abusive.

Recovering2

Sometimes it isn't all about the alcohol. If a guy is a controlling abusive drunk, chances are when he gets sober he's still a controlling abusive guy.

Rosiepetal

It's funny you mention about spending the night elsewhere because I was a little worried how RABF would react when I slipped into bed after a night out.
We discussed it beforehand & he said he would have to deal with it.
I even offered to go sleep in another bed if he felt the smell of alcohol would upset him.
Well actually he didn't like it when I came home & into bed & had been drinking but I made a point of discussing it beforehand to avoid ill feelings & we don't live together so it was his choice to even be there.
He didn't like it but he dealt with it his way & there is no ill feelings between us.
Communication is a big factor in this type of relationship.

marie1960

Can you not spend the night with your sister or friends?

My friends and I usually do a couple girls night out a year, we check into a hotel, let our hair down and have some fun.........

But because he is acting like a big baby and not wanting to care for his own child, perhaps hiring a sitter is the best option.

And just a hunch, even if u have a sitter, he will spend the evening blowing up your phone............

MHF

The funny thing is he was a lot more laid back getting drunk and high, we never got into any fights (verbal) until right before he got sober. I went through jail, rehab, everything with him and stuck by his side. I admit I have my faults, but when I needed him going through PPD he completely did not understand and was barely there for me. Since I have never gone through alanon I really dont know if this is normal and it confuses me. My sisters actually would be coming up from another county so it would be difficult for me to get back. The only options it seems like I have is to sleep on my friend's couch or for him to take our son to his sponsors to spend the night. It is very disappointing that I cant just come home and go to sleep in my own bed when he would probably be sleeping when I get back.

LvWrAM123

"Is it weird that he says I can go, but I have to find a babysitter because he's going to have to sleep somewhere else because he does not want to be around me being drunk?"

I have a little different perspective. I agree that he shouldn't be able to dictate whether or not you drink when you go out-you are not the alcoholic. But this sounds to me like a compromise from his earlier position, AND a way for him to enforce his OWN BOUNDARIES around what he needs to maintain his sobriety. If he feels like being around a drunk person may jeopardize his sobriety then he should find a way not to be around a drunk person, and if your plan is to go out, drink, and come home, then he is reasonably maintaining his boundaries by removing himself from the situation.

I do like Anvil's solution for him to care for his own child and you to find another place to stay that night, but it is also not unreasonable for him to want to go out with friends or go to AA or do something to distract himself from the fact that you are out celebrating your birthday and he can't share in it because he fears it will threaten his sobriety. SO-if you can manage to find your way to a compromise that works for both of you, I wouldn't split hairs over whose responsibility it is to arrange the sitter.

Happy birthday!

MissFixit

You two are really young. I don't think I have ever known a 22 year old boy who could handle or know what to do when a woman has ppd. Men twice his age can be jackasses about it, so I might chalk that up to a very young guy who doesn't understand woman stuff. Would he be willing/able to babysit your son at his sponsors house for the night? Just one night? Would there be resentment?

1newcreation

Happy pre bday! As a guy, why would I want to go be with women @ a girls nite out sober or not?! He must be insecure to be upset over this & not allow you to celebrate this important day the way you want to. His sobriety leads me to conclude its questionable. If this is how it is now, what about after saying "I do"?