Trying to stay away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Trying to stay away
Hi Everyone
I need some advice and support from you. My boyfriend of three years is an alcoholic. We have had a lovely relationship but as with all of these there have been occasional incidents of unreasonable behaviour. I read what others have been through and feel like these are nothing in comparison. He has never been violent to me and I don't believe he ever would be. What he does is withdraw. There will be a minor disagreement, sometimes justified and sometimes invented, and then he disappears for a few days or weeks. Afterwards he says it is because he can't cope with conflict. During the time he is away, I have been upset, anxious etc and he doesn't seem to understand just how much impact what he does has on me.
The latest incident was the worst and the longest and he also had to be hospitalised due to cirrohsis. Eventually he has accepted that he has a problem and says he will enter a program to become sober. But even though he seems to mean this, he is delaying.
Eventually I have told him that I need a break from this relationship until he sorts out his issues. I have a child from a previous relationship and I need to protect them from the impact of living with an alcoholic.
My logical self tells me this is the right choice but I am so devastated at losing him and I just want to ask him to come home.
I need some advice and support from you. My boyfriend of three years is an alcoholic. We have had a lovely relationship but as with all of these there have been occasional incidents of unreasonable behaviour. I read what others have been through and feel like these are nothing in comparison. He has never been violent to me and I don't believe he ever would be. What he does is withdraw. There will be a minor disagreement, sometimes justified and sometimes invented, and then he disappears for a few days or weeks. Afterwards he says it is because he can't cope with conflict. During the time he is away, I have been upset, anxious etc and he doesn't seem to understand just how much impact what he does has on me.
The latest incident was the worst and the longest and he also had to be hospitalised due to cirrohsis. Eventually he has accepted that he has a problem and says he will enter a program to become sober. But even though he seems to mean this, he is delaying.
Eventually I have told him that I need a break from this relationship until he sorts out his issues. I have a child from a previous relationship and I need to protect them from the impact of living with an alcoholic.
My logical self tells me this is the right choice but I am so devastated at losing him and I just want to ask him to come home.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Thinking,
Just wanted to say protect your child & you. So your A knows he has a problem - ok admission is good. Now he needs action. If he doesn't - you take your child to safety, security, and a happy home. And let your A fix his problem without your kid having to see it. I work with kids and see the effects of alcohol around them and the ramifications of booze in the home- it's not fair for the kids. Take care of you & your child. Be blessed.
Just wanted to say protect your child & you. So your A knows he has a problem - ok admission is good. Now he needs action. If he doesn't - you take your child to safety, security, and a happy home. And let your A fix his problem without your kid having to see it. I work with kids and see the effects of alcohol around them and the ramifications of booze in the home- it's not fair for the kids. Take care of you & your child. Be blessed.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
[QUOTE="Thinking;4545383"] I read what others have been through and feel like these are nothing in comparison. /QUOTE]
Your experience was enough for you to visit us and see a little bit of your potential future. One of the aspects of our disease, codependency, is to minimize the bad and focus only on the good of our A. What if your child becomes close to your BF. What will you say to your child when your BF is missing for weeks? A child does not need the uncertainty of loving a person who disappears. The child may end up thinking that they are the reason why he went away, that they are not loveable.
Your experience was enough for you to visit us and see a little bit of your potential future. One of the aspects of our disease, codependency, is to minimize the bad and focus only on the good of our A. What if your child becomes close to your BF. What will you say to your child when your BF is missing for weeks? A child does not need the uncertainty of loving a person who disappears. The child may end up thinking that they are the reason why he went away, that they are not loveable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The right choice and the most difficult choice are often one in the same.
You know it is not healthy for your child to be living in an addicted household, and I commend your actions to protect her/him.
The logic used to make the decision to protect your child, also applies to YOU.
In your words he is "delaying" a recovery plan, so NOTHING has changed.
Best to continue on your own path.
Currently, he is unable to offer you and your child any security in life, Sorry you are hurting, but this is what happens when we get involved with unavailable partners. It does get easier, be good to yourself.
(((hugs)))
You know it is not healthy for your child to be living in an addicted household, and I commend your actions to protect her/him.
The logic used to make the decision to protect your child, also applies to YOU.
In your words he is "delaying" a recovery plan, so NOTHING has changed.
Best to continue on your own path.
Currently, he is unable to offer you and your child any security in life, Sorry you are hurting, but this is what happens when we get involved with unavailable partners. It does get easier, be good to yourself.
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Thank you all for your comments. You are all so right. It is just hard to shake off the emotions. My bf tells me how wonderful I am and how he can't bear to lose me, how no one else would put up with him. He has cut back his drinking drastically and I hope that he will change. I wish I could say that I think he will but he has this list of things that need to be done before he can enter the programme. They all sound so reasonable but I just want being sober to come first. That's when I knew I needed to get out. I'm struggling with saying this is a final break but I think it might be. I just feel so sad because of what might have been. There is a lovely man underneath the drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
There is a lovely man underneath the drinking
Thinking we all dated the same guy.
Cutting back on drinking is NOT even a band-aid, the band-aid has the potential to heal the open wound, alcoholism is not a surface wound, it's something that lives deep inside of the addict.
Thinking we all dated the same guy.
Cutting back on drinking is NOT even a band-aid, the band-aid has the potential to heal the open wound, alcoholism is not a surface wound, it's something that lives deep inside of the addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Thinking,
I feel you know what's best to do. I know it's hard to wonder what might have been.. But one of the lovely people on SR responded to me the other day, they said. "what are the facts NOW, he (meaning my exAbf) isn't who he was" I have learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will get worse. I know it's hard because the heart feels so much. But, who he is now isn't who he be if he keeps drinking. For your child's safety & mental well being as well as yours, - let your A be. I hope he gets help for himself. Meanwhile help yourself & protect you & your child.
I know what you mean as you said, "underneath the drinking is a lovely man" I know I know, so is mine, but if they choose the bottle over us, they won't be a lovely man anymore. We don't deserve or need that. Best wishes to you.
I feel you know what's best to do. I know it's hard to wonder what might have been.. But one of the lovely people on SR responded to me the other day, they said. "what are the facts NOW, he (meaning my exAbf) isn't who he was" I have learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will get worse. I know it's hard because the heart feels so much. But, who he is now isn't who he be if he keeps drinking. For your child's safety & mental well being as well as yours, - let your A be. I hope he gets help for himself. Meanwhile help yourself & protect you & your child.
I know what you mean as you said, "underneath the drinking is a lovely man" I know I know, so is mine, but if they choose the bottle over us, they won't be a lovely man anymore. We don't deserve or need that. Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to talk to me. When I'm left to my own thoughts, I start to convince myself that it could be ok if I took him back. That he needs my help and I ought to help him beat this. It's so easy to think that should come first. I keep reminding myself that my child is the one who needs to come first. (Maybe after a while I'll be able to say that I come first too but baby steps to sensible thinking.) I miss the good times but I need to remember that they have disappeared. He is on a big spiral downwards and I don't want to be part of that. It's just that I feel selfish for abandoning him to his fate.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
HI Thinking;
Cirrohsis, if caused by his drinking, is a sign of late-stage alcoholism (I believe) and the prognosis isn't good if he doesn't get serious about changing his ways.
He's had this problem for some time and you aren't going to able to step in and fix it.
You are quite right, your child's needs should come first and dealing with a sick alcoholic is possibly the worst thing besides just dealing with a "regular" alcoholic.
You are wise to realize there are baby steps to taking care of yourself as a codependent.
Posting and reading here can really help with this process.
You can get there--keep educating yourself and affirming that
you deserve a healthy and equal partnership in life, and your child deserves
a father-figure who will truly be able to support and help her grow
Cirrohsis, if caused by his drinking, is a sign of late-stage alcoholism (I believe) and the prognosis isn't good if he doesn't get serious about changing his ways.
He's had this problem for some time and you aren't going to able to step in and fix it.
You are quite right, your child's needs should come first and dealing with a sick alcoholic is possibly the worst thing besides just dealing with a "regular" alcoholic.
You are wise to realize there are baby steps to taking care of yourself as a codependent.
Posting and reading here can really help with this process.
You can get there--keep educating yourself and affirming that
you deserve a healthy and equal partnership in life, and your child deserves
a father-figure who will truly be able to support and help her grow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Thank you, Hawkeye.
His doctor has told him that if he stops drinking then his liver will mostly heal so he has a chance for health if he wants to take it.
More importantly, I've spent a lot of today reading these forums and also doing as many things as I can to stop myself contacting him. It has made me realise that I really am codependent. I need his approval and his love to a greater extent than is healthy. So I have a lot to work on too. I hope that with the help of all of you here, I'm taking the first steps to becoming healthy and whole. I want to be a happier person.
His doctor has told him that if he stops drinking then his liver will mostly heal so he has a chance for health if he wants to take it.
More importantly, I've spent a lot of today reading these forums and also doing as many things as I can to stop myself contacting him. It has made me realise that I really am codependent. I need his approval and his love to a greater extent than is healthy. So I have a lot to work on too. I hope that with the help of all of you here, I'm taking the first steps to becoming healthy and whole. I want to be a happier person.
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