Return of the sex drive... and then some
 

I have a problem that I honestly haven't really read about. I've heard of people having trouble with sexual drive in sobriety, but not the opposite!

You see, my husband's 4 months sober, now. He's looking better, feeling better; so much so, a waiter at a restaurant we used to go to all the time noticed last night!

The problem I'm having is that his sex drive, which was nonexistent, and when it happened he was non-functional, has turned on big time!

The thing is, I'm not a super sexual person, myself. I don't want it more than once a week, if that. I don't mind him masturbating, or watching porn; it gives him a way to not bug me, LOL.

The problem is, it's almost become an obsession! One night this week, he was "organizing his porn collection" for more than two hours! I'd had a long day, mostly doing things out of the house, and came home from Al Anon ready to spend time with him, but instead, he spent two hours on the computer! I painted my nails, and went to bed.

Tonight, he did it again; every time I walked by the bedroom (we sleep separately, now, thanks to other sleep issues he has) and he was watching porn on his tablet.

The last thing I need is another addiction; frankly, I don't have the energy to battle two! I don't think he's addicted, yet, but there's some concerning signs, like trying to hide something he knows I don't mind. It's just weird.

I know I probably need to talk to him about it, and I likely will, when I'm not so irritated at the kids and him both. But I wondered if anyone else has experienced something like this when sobriety finally happened?

I have not had the problem
but
I would be careful
this can be yet another addiction (probably not a good one)
MM

Big, huge, red flag.

My rAH started gambling (online, lottery, lotto, football squares, etc., etc.) at about 3 months sober. I accidentally discovered it around it around the 9 month mark (didn't confront him, just observed after the discovery). When I saw that it had become his new addition I file for divorce right @ 1 year sober. That is where I am at today.

I am not going to spend the rest of my life hitched to an addict. Life is too short and I will not waste any more energy worrying what is going on. I honestly believe that he has not addressed his core issues but that is his problem now.

Please proceed with caution.

My husband has definitely been working, very hard, to address the causes of his addictions, but I do know these are red flags. This is one reason I'm going to talk to him (probably tomorrow.) He's trying to get better, but he's still so young in his recovery. And he has a lot of progress to make, still; I have no more patience left for addiction, I'll tell you that much.

Does he have a sponsor or therapist to help him with this?
Are you actively working your own recovery?

My husband is three months in. I didn't fully realize how much harder things would get on rehab/recovery side. Good luck! :)

All I can do is to share my own experience (as the spouse of an alcoholic): First, guys love porn. The old joke is: "70% of men watch internet porn at work, and the other 30% are lying." So there's that.
Second, while my wife was drinking, I definitely used porn (looking at pictures on the web in my particular case) as a distraction. As a way to not be present. It may not have risen to the level of an addiction, but it was totally and completely obsessive.
I like keepthefaith's suggestion that he discuss this issue with his sponsor. Rigorous honesty and all that. The other great thing about being in a program is that both of you can learn to have actual conversations again...so try talking to him. It sounds like you're pretty comfortable not being overly judgmental about the whole thing...so just express that you have a concern and then let him tell you what he's thinking and feeling.
Good luck.

PS I also like keepthefaith's other comment: "Are you actively working your own recovery?"

Yep.

New addiction.

Is he Working the Program? This stuff is really covered in there.

You in a Program? Just asking, because you may likely want to be? Alanon, CR? etc. All Good.

As far as his stuff, even the AA Big Book covers it. You understand you all are not really living "The Family Afterward" part (neither are we).

Can get nasty ahead.

Even Bill W (AA Co-Founder) wound up with this one. Became a Total Douchebag Perv who would prey on New-Comer AA Woman.

Yes, and yes, thank you. He's got an amazing sponsor, and I've been in Al Anon so much they made me an officer.

Well here's my experience thus far:

My H has admitted to me he has an addictive personality. He smoked and drank. He loved to gamble and admitted to me he would leave enough money under his car mat to cover airport parking in case he went crazy in Vegas.

So he curbed his own gambling issue. He is not really into computers so he never hooked on online gambling to the best of my knowledge. He has had some sex issues but I did my best to accommodate them to keep it 'real'. My main thing with porn on computer was all the freakin computer viruses. So WE got some DVDs. Man that stuff is not made for women. I would sit there and feel myself splitting between date rape victim, cultural expectation, disgust and psych major observer! Totally not a turn on for me. But I tried bc I'm a Codie ha ha! He is 11 mo sober on the alcoholism. Did it via inpatient rehab and some AA and some Spirituality. I've been wondering what is next, but maybe it appears smoking is solo for now.

And sex now? He claims he feels neutered - nothing. I am coming up on 14 mo no sex. I finally looked at those seedy posting on CL just this weekend. Gross. I'd be better off just propositioning one of the professionals at work - I could just ride the elevator until someone said yes. I could then drag him off the elevator for coffee to confirm his name matches his ID, get his cell number, and compare schedules to set up a "meeting". It is funny I am making a lot of gains in my recovery that could all be blown to heck over lack of intimacy.

Wish you well and keep your eyes open!

I'm sorry, but imagining you doing this is hilarious to me! ahahahah! Love it.

We really should not spread that around
because it's just not true
plus it gives men an excuse
MM

The kids and I were hoping for smoking.

She would have to step outside to do it. :)

Smoking is the one her sponsor wound up with.

Yeah, Craigslist -- "Send Pictures!" :)

You have this all figured out. Impressive.

My license/ID is expired. (Birthday Thing) So I guess I would be safe from your wily strategy. ;) (wicked woman ;) )

Funny part for me is I am doing So Much Better with things in general, those "Laws of Attraction" things are kicking in. I find myself just smiling at people and they smile back. Was picking up some stuff for a project yesterday at the Homeless Depot. Solar Project -- which I like SO MUCH better than PetroChem, so I was probably smiling about that, too . . .

This woman says to me, "I have to tell you that you are a very handsome man." Normally any pretty woman even talks to an Enginerd, and *we* wilt, but I just laughed back, and said, "You are not too hard on the eyes, yourself. Perhaps if things were some other place, some other time, who knows?" She said, "Oh, I am not hitting on you, I just had to tell you that you are very handsome." We just smiled.

Self Esteem is an okay thing.


Law of attraction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I'm an INFP. I am getting pretty desperate to even imagine being so extroverted and direct! All I can do is laugh although if the divorced MIT guy got on maybe I would see it as an omen. Thankfully I don't work in that building every day now. Keeps me out of trouble. I see more Canadian geese than available men for me to get into trouble with at my daily building.

Rats Kansas just lost. My poor bracket.

:gaah

Our tech people blocked all that stuff, well ebay and FB and Pinterest too. I suppose maybe that's what people are really looking at when they are walking around looking important and serious on their cell phones?! There has been a rise in pedestrian accidents at work bc no one is looking where they are going. Probably top 15% brain power tooling around and they are so self important they don't look where they are going.... Cracks me up. Makes me thankful I have some blue collar logic along with my degree.

Hammer,

This is a nice story about you. So sweet to know you are smiling and happy planning some project. Self esteem is good. Even if it is a fleeting thing, it is a hopeful thing and should be cultivated.

Smoking is gross but he is very good about smoking outside.

I am ambivalent about Laws of Attraction. Not sure I believe or all the implications of believing I can accept - like accidents and disease are somehow your fault.

Homme Despot definitely a good spot to people watch. Especially when they have those free kid build activities... I should go there too and hang around the contractor snack/coffee area! Having it figured out and actually having an affair are 2 different things. I should invite my divorced friend to my work though or have her meet me at the hardware store in the wealthier zip codes!

Well I want Wichita State to win. So far they are hanging with Ky. Next commercial I am going to straighten out the Tupperware shelf. That stuff is evil and falls upon me when I open the cupboard. I guess it will be one of my Acts of Service that never manages to remain neat and orderly.

You follow I am not saying the Laws of Attraction are like real or anything. I have to do a LOT of Inductive Reasoning in some of my work -- make up connections that may or may not be correct, and then knock them down -- Deductively. Sort of like consider ALL possibles, take away the ones that cannot and that only leaves you with what is. Part of Forensic Analysis. So I play with ideas . . . and the "When You Are Smiling, The Whole World Smiles With You" stuff seems to be so.

Louis Armstrong~"When You're Smiling" - YouTube

But I forgot that I had your "Elevator Experience" on the DART Train a couple of years ago, now. A Korean woman was in line for tickets ahead of me, and trying to stuff dollar bills in the machine. I have a card I use for business/travel, so I just swiped it for her and said something like Happy Birthday, or some such. Really I had watched and she was trying to put $7 one dollar bills in the machine, and we would have both missed the train if we had waited.

But she hunted me down on the train to give me the money. I noticed that her fingernail polish was chipped (never, never on a Korean professional type). I asked her to keep the money as a gift, just for the day. She blushed and was very grateful. Turned out she was an Business MBA type and Real Estate Broker hurt severely in the Great Recession.

At the time, we were Real Estate shopping -- just a few months before Mrs. Hammer went really bonkers and forced us homeless. So I gave the woman ALL my personal details / information, so she could shop Real Estate for us.

She told me some of her story, married to a US Army Officer, Aviation. He died in a Helicopter Crash. I had been an US Army Corps of Engineers Officer, and still was using my rucksack to carry my notebooks and data info for work I was doing downtown. She saw all that, and then climbed in my seat and started feeling me up, telling me that she did not care about anything, how lonely she had been, just come and visit her sometimes and be her lover, on and on.

Fortunately my stop came and I jumped off the train. But she still has my email, text number, etc . . . sends pictures (nice ones :) ) for Christmas and stuff. Was showing some of the guys at work that . . . and she is not so bad . . . and you know all the guys only say one thing -- Why The Hell Did You Not Nail Her !?!?!

two hours ORGANIZING the porn collection. curious what he's using for his SORT order?

yeah i'd say this has become his "new" outlet....obsession...whatever. the endorphins and whatever else is released. especially when he's doing all that WHILE you are at home.....instead of spending stand up/clothes on time with you. and are the children at home as well? do they have access to the porn/computer?

Interesting stuff dragon lady, as I don't have a problem with porn either if he's watching it.
What was your sex life like when you were first dating? Had your libido dropped? We were as close to sexless as you can get for 9 years.
My drive was gone, his was getting channeled somewhere else..hidden porn and lots of online chats (gross disgusting sick) until it culminated into a real life encounter or two.
Here is what I have learned about me. When I found out about his affair, after I wanted to kill him (even though he stopped drinking) something PRIMAL kicked in and I went into "HE is MINE" overdrive and the sex was non stop for two months (tell you what, I did not see that coming). Have always wondered if he had JUST stopped drinking, what would have happened to our sex life.
Funny thing is, now that he is not drinking, his porn lust has dropped.

this is what should happen with one in recovery
the AA Big Book mentions that
now that we are no longer drinking
we need to let go of some of our other old ideas
true sobriety is more than just not drinking
MM

Gonna add my 2 cents since that has gone off track at times.
It's about the porn. My A seems unable to be intimate with me in the evening, and uninterested most mornings. The amount that he drinks varies, but he averages about 3 bottles of beer (the good, strong stuff), and about a bottle of wine per night, every night. I stopped initiating things when he told me that I "was doing it wrong for the past 21 years." I figured, he was on his own at that point. He tries about every 6 weeks, but is generally not successful.
My counselor friend and I have not been physical other than cuddles and kisses. The counselor that I started seeing yesterday. agreed that intimacy should be off the table right now so that I can get my head on straight. But I have to tell you, I find my friend very desirable right now, after months of nothing at home. I used to teach computers, so my friend asked me to check his laptop, as it seemed to be unable to play videos. But...he wouldn't bring up the vids that he was trying to watch, only random stuff on youtube and the networks. I could see where this was going, and checked out his machine, which seemed to play youtube and cbs.com just fine. "OK", he says and turns his laptop away so that I couldn't see the screen; fiddles with it a bit and looked very frustrated. Now, I don't have 3 Master's degrees like he does, however I am not stupid. When I got onto his machine again, suddenly, the video that he was interested in popped up and started playing. I backed off and laughed so hard, while he looked ashen and muttered "How did that get on there?"
I assured him that I really didn't care what he watched as long as everyone was an adult, and it just proved that he is still alive...down there. When or if the time is appropriate, I hope to provide the visual stimulation that he needs. :snow: