spookyboo22

My ABF stayed over at mine last night for the first time since we split .

He told me he was going to do rehab, how he can't eat ( he's very thin ). He wants us to get a house together, how he's so so pleased we are back together etc.

He left this morning and said he would ring me later. It's now midnight and nothing.

I feel like i mean nothing.

Any advice? x

spiderqueen

I am so sorry you are going through this, Spooky.

I am afraid that your ABF is just doing what addicts do. He is TELLING you everything you want to hear, and DOING what his addiction directs him to do. It doesn't sound like he's serious about quitting, getting the help he needs, working a program of recovery.

Since you asked for advice, I would simply say: Let him go. Move on with your life. A person in active addiction is not relationship material.

Sorry, BTDT, got the T.

((hugs))

suki44883

I'm so sorry, Spooky. Spiderqueen is right. He's only telling you what he thinks you want to hear. It doesn't sound like he really wants to embrace sobriety.

He'll come back with some lame excuse and you'll know it's a lie. Trust your gut. You know he's still drinking and if you don't want that mess in your life, then you need to act accordingly. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. (((HUGS)))

spookyboo22

Cheers for replying!

I've never really had a go at him about his drinking cos i know it's a waste of breath. It's the lack of respect he shows for me when last night he was the loveliest guy you could imagine.

I find it so hurtful that he shows so little common courtesy but is ok doing the grand gestures when he's been shown the door?

spiderqueen

They can put on quite a show, and possibly even feel very sincere about it in the moment; but it all goes poof when the cravings hit. I doubt that "courtesy" is anywhere on his radar at that moment. That's why addicts make such crappy partners.

I really do get it, Spooky. I broke up with my ABF 8 months ago, but he keeps in touch, and you have never heard some beautiful sentiments of devotion, and promises for the future. However, last night we chatted on the phone, and he was loaded once again. Yup, all those pretty promises, right out the window.

I don't see him anymore, have zero expectations, put no stock in the promises, and am working on cutting off the contact completely. For me, this path was the only way to sanity, I'm sorry to say.

spookyboo22

I hear you Spiderqueen!

I think its about more than just drinking for him. Its the socialising aspect of it too. Being in various pubs and having a laugh is all part of it.

I'm just sat at home...waiting. Not very exciting . He likes my company but i can't compete with that can i ?

I think i'll turn my phone off now . I can't stop thinking about where he is, who with, and what may be going on. It's just so soon...it was only last night he was so loving to me.

spiderqueen

Sometimes I think alcoholics live in a weird time warp. If he drinks enough to black out, he may in fact have no idea how much time has passed, how recently he was making those pledges to you, how close and intimate it felt. Also don't forget, alcohol numbs feelings. So it's probably all very fuzzy and far away to him right now.

Alcohol is like his mistress. She will always make him feel better than you can, at least in the short term. As you say, very hard to compete with, indeed.

Do turn off your phone, get some sleep, take care of yourself.

hopeful4

Dont listen to a word and watch his actions over the long term, then you will know the truth. Im sorry.

DragynLady

I doubt you mean nothing to him, but the unfortunate truth is, he cares more for the alcohol. I've heard it time and time again in AA meetings, recovery rooms, with my husband. So many addict who will readily admit that they loved alcohol more than their own friends and family. But remember that it is the disease, not you, that causes this.

honeypig

Spookyboo, it sounds to me like you could use some additional support, and I'd like to suggest Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I'd also like to suggest that you read as much as you can here, and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. There's a lot of good information there. Educating yourself about alcoholism will give you a lot of power when things like this happen (and they will happen, as long as you live with an actively drinking A).

Spiderqueen said it very succinctly: Let him go. Move on with your life. A person in active addiction is not relationship material.