Howtodeal

Hi,

I am seeking help on how to deal with my BF that was a drug & alcohol addict since he was 11 years old. His dad made him smoke crack cocaine at 14 years old. From there it led to more drugs and alcohol from xanex to loritabs to whatever you name it. He is 26 years old now and has been sober 4 years. I just started dating him last March and I've been on a roller coaster ride. He lost his ex gf to drugs by death. He tried to get her sober but many failed attempts. Where I come in is , I've never dealt with an addict or dated one. I have my own struggles but feel like I am being smothered to death because I have be a mother figure to him. I am older than him, but he says age is just a number which in normal situations it is. However with him , because he is used to the stay up late , sleep late life we fight about it. He says his childhood was snatched from him and its all coming out now. His dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom and him. His grandpa was the same. He has never put a hand on me but he is just so needy that is bothers me really bad. He says he just loves me so much and I can't accept the affection. However he goes thru a needy behavior really bad when he fights with his dad and grandfather. Comes home to me and then it filters out into our relationship. He constantly wants to know where I am what i am doing, who I'm talking to or texting . I never get jealous of him but he has big issues with jealousy and gets upset because I don't get jealous of him. He finally started going back to AA last week. He has not been in over a year. He also came bacK to his hometown where the drugs started. We fight everyday but he says that's nothing that I don't know what fighting is. Right now my kids are mad at me for dating him and he says that is their problem not mine. He needs so much attention but I'm suffering with back pain so bad that I can't work. He is good to provide for me in housing and bills etc, but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Therefore I have to absolutely push him away from me to deal with him, then he starts with the baby don't be mad at me . I'm the one that loves me more than anybody in the world and I will not find nobody better than him. I just exhausted. He guilts me & says that if I leave him he will go insane and lose everything ! He will go back to drugs etc.. I came back to him after breaking up last August because I was so afraid he would result to that.... And now it just stays on my brain of guilt of what he will do... He says they will have to commit him because I'm all the NORMAL he has.. I just need to learn HOWTODEAL... please help!!! This is way over my head! I cry alot because I don't know if I should leave or stay. At some point he has got to grow up and stop blaming others for his problems. Am I wrong feeling this way?? Am I wrong for trying block him out? The more I block out the more he pushes and gets mad and leaves to cool off.

wholelottarosie

This sounds like my story too. Eventually I became ill and lost a lot of weight with the stress of it all..keeping a relationship going on your own is not only draining but isn't what a healthy relationship should be like. Im not with my xabf anymore and feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I have my sad times when I miss the sober him but why survive on crumbs when there are full loaves out there? Its hard but its his choice and his responsibility if he drinks. Its your choice whether you want to put up with all the bs.

lillamy

I think you have a lot of clarity in the middle of the mayhem. Your post is all about him, his problems, his childhood, his needs.

What about you?

He is an adult. You are not responsible for him. He's guilting you into being a mother figure for him (you said that, not me). If that's not what you want out of the relationship, you have every right to leave.

Because you're not his mother. And he's not a child.

Howtodeal

True, he says he is not wanting me to be his mother figure but my mom and a cousin of mine thinks the same and they have not even talked about it to each other.
What about me? Everyone says I'm selfish so I did not bring up myself other than the exhaustion of it all

wholelottarosie

Who's everyone?

Fathom

Welcome to SR, and hugs to you!

You are not wrong. Pay attention to your gut feelings. Don't doubt them just because he tells you to. It will drive you bonkers.

If you haven't found them already, start reading the "Sticky" posts at the top of the page listing all of the threads. There are a lot of really eye-opening and thought-provoking discussions there. Also, I suggest reading up on emotional abuse. Many of us have not been taught about it, but it is unfortunately really common and very damaging.

Peace,
Fathom

Howtodeal

My family , my kids, my ex husband.... I've become more ill since I started dating him , I have severe back injury that I once could deal with pain, but it is becoming so severe that I'm having injections and now they are going to deaden the nerves, to stop the pain , I've gained weight instead of losing... My whole body feels as though its coming apart. I'm suffering with depression and aniexty

Howtodeal

Thanks Fathom

Fathom

Oh! And, don't let anyone call you selfish just because you care about yourself and your needs! Don't internalize that mean-spirited label.

Sending more hugs...
Fathom

Howtodeal

wholelottarosie
He says I don't understand him and he is putting everything into this relationship but he has never been in a normal NON addict relationship...
I'm struggling so badly... And the guilt is killing me so I tone him out and that makes it worse because he becomes clingy and leaches and I actually have to **** him off to leave me alone

Howtodeal

I suffered a bad divorce so my dad tends to tell whomever I date things and with this guy everytime we fight he brings up my past... So, I just get angry& shut down. I've made mistakes and I've owned up to them but I don't need to be reminded

wholelottarosie

Time to look after yourself

Chelsea1029

This relationship sounds so unhealthy for you in many ways...physically, emotionally, and it could damage the relationship with your children and other family members. I don't see any positives...he has A LOT of baggage. He needs to be healthy before being in a healthy relationship and it doesn't sound like he is. There are so many red flags. Read the information here it's helpful.

Howtodeal

He says he does not treat me bad... He loves me more than his own life and that I can't accept or realize he is not giving up on me and protect me..
I've come here to get help to know how to accept his behavior .. Yes he has alot of baggage as I do, he holds on to anything that he feels he is losing and can't grasp reality.
I've begged and pleaded for changes but he says he loves me and that is is way of showing me by calling so much or texting to check on me...

seek

Why do you want to learn how to accept unacceptable behavior? That's not healthy and is not a good role model for your kids, either.

Howtodeal

You are right this is not acceptable behavior , I guess I was just thinking I'm in the wrong? He says I am and needs to accept him for his baggage.. I have no tolerance anymore for such actions. I used to be a very strong person but I'm weak now due to health issues. But I don't put up with much of his bs and he knows it. That's why he is so upset with me, I've told him either make a change for good or I'm totally done. I can't live like this.

seek

I would put more credence on what you think, feel, and know - and more on your values - than on what he says. Health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) is key and he does not sound healthy right now.

Howtodeal

Thank you all.. He feels I am betraying him by talking with ppl about this and they don't know his side.... But I've never been in a relationship like this . He gets on everyone's nerves and they can only take so much of him .

LoveMeNow

He doesn't get to define you, your needs, your wants or what you think is healthy.

All his words are classic manipulation tactics and quite frankly, emotionally abusive!! He is in your head, get him out!!

SoloMio

I just saw a clip of a movie with Cameron Diaz and Nikki Minaj, and one of Nikki's lines to Cameron is "Selfish people live longer. Just sayin'.. "

I laughed because I'm definitely the doormat people pleaser. And I also have a "mother/child" relationship to some extent with AH.

I'm just feeling like being more selfish these days. What's wrong with that? We have a gift to give the world but if we keep casting our pearls before swine, what will we have? I have thrown money at needy people my whole life and here I am, at 62, with no retirement. My own fault for wanting to be the nice guy.

So, as for you, I would say re-read your post and look between the lines, and you may have your answer.