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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by Howtodeal 
He says he does not treat me bad...
Your only job is to take care of yourself and your children. It bothers me that he thinks it's your kids' problem that they don't like him. Any relationship that takes away from your children instead of nurturing and guiding them is frightening, in my opinion.
If you stay here long enough, and I hope you do, you will learn that it is okay and necessary to find your own health and happiness before inviting a partner to the dance, especially a sick partner. The miracle is that once you find yourself in a truly healthy place, you start to take a harder look at who you are willing to let into the lives of you and your children.
Based on what you've shared, nothing about your relationship with him is going to allow you to take care of yourself. He is sucking you dry instead of filling your cup. Do you honestly see that changing in him any time soon? He may be four years sober, but he is in a very emotionally immature stage of his life.
His history of being abused is sad, yes, but if he wants to live a happy life, he needs help from a talented therapist, not from you. No matter how badly you feel for him, you are not responsible for his mental and emotional healing.
And may I gently suggest that it is time to start asking yourself why you allow this kind of chaos to continue in the lives of you and your children. We tend to call it "love" for our partner that keeps us in a sick relationship, but chaos and pain and neediness aren't love. They are really just craziness and dysfunction that become 'acceptable' because we cling to the belief that we are loved. I have been there. Many of us at SR have been there. I truly do hope you stick around here, share here, and read as much as you can here and online. There are many fantastic books out there. Women Who Love Too Much is a good one, Melanie Beattie's books on codependency are good, and for me, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing was critical in helping me find why I was choosing alcoholic/addict partners. Keep posting, keep asking questions. You are welcome here, and we care about you and your children!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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He says I am and needs to accept him for his baggage..
actually that's true.....you need to accept (see, recognize) that this IS who he is.....NOW....this is how he treats you, this is what you get. nothing more, nothing less. no but IF.....no MAYBE.....not because of any POTENTIAL you think you see in him.....he is showing you who he is....he may call it love but this how you want to be loved by someone?????
actually that's true.....you need to accept (see, recognize) that this IS who he is.....NOW....this is how he treats you, this is what you get. nothing more, nothing less. no but IF.....no MAYBE.....not because of any POTENTIAL you think you see in him.....he is showing you who he is....he may call it love but this how you want to be loved by someone?????
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Clemson
Posts: 16
But he says he pays my bills, he lives for me and breathes for me and would die for me... Which he reminds me daily about how lucky I should be for having a young guy interested in me because "At the moment" and I emphasize on at the moment .... I know my health is getting worse because I can't get well with stressing... No doubt he loves me but its to extreme for me. He thinks I'm crazy for saying things I do . Yes I can get away to take a break, but as we speak he has completely distanced himself and is angry because I am aggravated with his behavior... He cannot be alone for no time, if I say I'm going to stay with my oldest daughter and her husband I've night .. He blows my phone up. Two weeks ago my mom was rushed to ER and I did not know til next day so I went to see and was going to stay with her but he got upset and said he can't be alone so he crashed his sister's house and confided in her roommate about how he is addicted to me and psychotic over me. However if I had went to my brothers home and they had a roommate he told me he would have my clothes on the front lawn when I came home!! How stupid!! Petty , so as we speak he is now on the other side if the house to stay.
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To me, words mean nothing if not followed up by action. My ex used to tell me how lucky I was to have him because nobody else would put up with me being fat and depressed... But I didn't feel lucky. I felt miserable. Doubly miserable because I didn't feel what he told me I ought to feel.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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At first it was very viberant attraction and I was working full time but moved to his town to take a job which was a disaster because I cannot handle the hours of standing or sitting . However I am being treated by a new physician to help me regain my strength , so yeah for the moment it is financial . I plan on going back to school and have applied at several colleges.... Yes you can never have too much education but I feel with my time out of work , I will take advantage of schooling. Now the attraction is going away because of the neediness . I had facet blocks shots 2 Thursdays ago and by Monday I was I the ER AGAIN with stress and so much pain. It is almost like he wants to keep me locked up from the world . He feels he is protecting me.. If he leaves to go to the store he feels like he is abandoning me ... I can. Easily just be a roommate to him , done it before. I would really love to live separate and try dating him like normal ppl do but he freaks when I say that!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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"But he says he pays my bills, he lives for me and breathes for me and would die for me... Which he reminds me daily about how lucky I should be for having a young guy interested in me because "At the moment" and I emphasize on at the moment ...."
Gag me with a spoon!!! (<-- sorry if that's a bit outdated, but REALLY!!!) Honey, anytime someone puts you down by saying "you know, you're really not all that", they are NOT saying they love you! They are putting you in your place, under their thumb, where you can't wriggle free. I am also EXTREMELY suspicious of anyone trying to convince ME how wonderful THEY are. If he is so head over heals over you, he would be reminding you daily how wonderful YOU are! AND, he would give you the space you need to continue being so wonderful!
I have learned that a partner who is not willing to live and breathe for himself is not capable of being a healthy partner. There is a certain amount of "look after yourself-edness" (i.e. self responsibility and accountability) that is required for a partnership to really thrive.
HowtoDeal, we can all hear the pain and self-doubt in your words and we ache for you. I hope that our pointed questions and strong statements can help open your mind toward new ways of thinking about your situation. We have all been there, and we have all had to consciously, actively shift our thoughts so that we could focus again on our own needs. That is not selfish, but it is taking responsibility for ourselves like a healthy person would. It starts with listening to your inner dialogue and believing in yourself. In short, it starts with taking back your self-esteem.
Try to be patient with yourself as you learn more about addiction, codependency, and emotional abuse. It can be overwhelming and confusing, but we are here to walk with you when you need us.
Peace,
Fathom
Gag me with a spoon!!! (<-- sorry if that's a bit outdated, but REALLY!!!) Honey, anytime someone puts you down by saying "you know, you're really not all that", they are NOT saying they love you! They are putting you in your place, under their thumb, where you can't wriggle free. I am also EXTREMELY suspicious of anyone trying to convince ME how wonderful THEY are. If he is so head over heals over you, he would be reminding you daily how wonderful YOU are! AND, he would give you the space you need to continue being so wonderful!
I have learned that a partner who is not willing to live and breathe for himself is not capable of being a healthy partner. There is a certain amount of "look after yourself-edness" (i.e. self responsibility and accountability) that is required for a partnership to really thrive.
HowtoDeal, we can all hear the pain and self-doubt in your words and we ache for you. I hope that our pointed questions and strong statements can help open your mind toward new ways of thinking about your situation. We have all been there, and we have all had to consciously, actively shift our thoughts so that we could focus again on our own needs. That is not selfish, but it is taking responsibility for ourselves like a healthy person would. It starts with listening to your inner dialogue and believing in yourself. In short, it starts with taking back your self-esteem.
Try to be patient with yourself as you learn more about addiction, codependency, and emotional abuse. It can be overwhelming and confusing, but we are here to walk with you when you need us.
Peace,
Fathom
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Fathom
"But he says he pays my bills, he lives for me and breathes for me and would die for me... Which he reminds me daily about how lucky I should be for having a young guy interested in me because "At the moment" and I emphasize on at the moment ...."
Gag me with a spoon!!! (<-- sorry if that's a bit outdated, but REALLY!!!) Honey, anytime someone puts you down by saying "you know, you're really not all that", they are NOT saying they love you! They are putting you in your place, under their thumb, where you can't wriggle free. I am also EXTREMELY suspicious of anyone trying to convince ME how wonderful THEY are. If he is so head over heals over you, he would be reminding you daily how wonderful YOU are! AND, he would give you the space you need to continue being so wonderful!
Gag me with a spoon!!! (<-- sorry if that's a bit outdated, but REALLY!!!) Honey, anytime someone puts you down by saying "you know, you're really not all that", they are NOT saying they love you! They are putting you in your place, under their thumb, where you can't wriggle free. I am also EXTREMELY suspicious of anyone trying to convince ME how wonderful THEY are. If he is so head over heals over you, he would be reminding you daily how wonderful YOU are! AND, he would give you the space you need to continue being so wonderful!
Ya know, my husband has been an irresponsible a$$hole but for what he's been through (at his own hands), I'm so lucky to have him. He's a good man with a problem. I would never look at him and tell him he's lucky I am with him. The day I do is the day I've lost all respect for him and myself because I'm not a self centered, self righteous bitch. Least I don't think I am.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Clemson
Posts: 16
He does tell me I'm perfect and the only one for him , but when I don't act like I'm lovey dovey head over hills and kissy kissy pooh, then he gets this defense mechanism going and says I'm all he has and that he is so lucky to have me and I should appreciate the fact that he is so into me, that I have the problem not him.. Well, I have always been the woman that gives in and just falls for whatever! Not with him, & he can't deal with it. Yes , I can see he definitely is confining me to just HIM. I don't know how I end with men and think I can fix them.. The only man that I was ever able to pull away from bad things on the beginning of the relationship was my ex husband. But, I was very young then and my life was just beginning so to speak . No doubt this guy has codependency on me but he is trying to make me that way. I am pretty darn tough on him, but I don't like being reminded of what he does for me and how we are totally made for each other , because if we were we would not fight so much...now , I realize some fighting is normal but not everyday several times a day.. I've been through alot over the past few years... So. I have developed a don't care attitude about men & their savvy ways.. He says I have daddy issues, hahaha... He has Grandpa , daddy & mama issues.. Clearly this is non healthy and when I tell him that he says .... Oh it just hurts my feelings because I love you so much and would do anything for you and NO past men have done that!! So, he is on one side of the house and I'm on another & tells me he is depressed because I don't want him around.. He can't even leave the house without feeling like he is abandoning me.. And I'm like go take all the time you need... Yes, I ask myself numerous times WHY WHY.. But, I did it to myself!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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The only way to deal with someone like that is NOT deal with them. He will suck you dry mentally,emotionally.
Get away from him,if he goes back to using not your problem. Save yourself.
Get away from him,if he goes back to using not your problem. Save yourself.
Originally Posted by Howtodeal
Hi,
I am seeking help on how to deal with my BF that was a drug & alcohol addict since he was 11 years old. His dad made him smoke crack cocaine at 14 years old. From there it led to more drugs and alcohol from xanex to loritabs to whatever you name it. He is 26 years old now and has been sober 4 years. I just started dating him last March and I've been on a roller coaster ride. He lost his ex gf to drugs by death. He tried to get her sober but many failed attempts. Where I come in is , I've never dealt with an addict or dated one. I have my own struggles but feel like I am being smothered to death because I have be a mother figure to him. I am older than him, but he says age is just a number which in normal situations it is. However with him , because he is used to the stay up late , sleep late life we fight about it. He says his childhood was snatched from him and its all coming out now. His dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom and him. His grandpa was the same. He has never put a hand on me but he is just so needy that is bothers me really bad. He says he just loves me so much and I can't accept the affection. However he goes thru a needy behavior really bad when he fights with his dad and grandfather. Comes home to me and then it filters out into our relationship. He constantly wants to know where I am what i am doing, who I'm talking to or texting . I never get jealous of him but he has big issues with jealousy and gets upset because I don't get jealous of him. He finally started going back to AA last week. He has not been in over a year. He also came bacK to his hometown where the drugs started. We fight everyday but he says that's nothing that I don't know what fighting is. Right now my kids are mad at me for dating him and he says that is their problem not mine. He needs so much attention but I'm suffering with back pain so bad that I can't work. He is good to provide for me in housing and bills etc, but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Therefore I have to absolutely push him away from me to deal with him, then he starts with the baby don't be mad at me . I'm the one that loves me more than anybody in the world and I will not find nobody better than him. I just exhausted. He guilts me & says that if I leave him he will go insane and lose everything ! He will go back to drugs etc.. I came back to him after breaking up last August because I was so afraid he would result to that.... And now it just stays on my brain of guilt of what he will do... He says they will have to commit him because I'm all the NORMAL he has.. I just need to learn HOWTODEAL... please help!!! This is way over my head! I cry alot because I don't know if I should leave or stay. At some point he has got to grow up and stop blaming others for his problems. Am I wrong feeling this way?? Am I wrong for trying block him out? The more I block out the more he pushes and gets mad and leaves to cool off.
I am seeking help on how to deal with my BF that was a drug & alcohol addict since he was 11 years old. His dad made him smoke crack cocaine at 14 years old. From there it led to more drugs and alcohol from xanex to loritabs to whatever you name it. He is 26 years old now and has been sober 4 years. I just started dating him last March and I've been on a roller coaster ride. He lost his ex gf to drugs by death. He tried to get her sober but many failed attempts. Where I come in is , I've never dealt with an addict or dated one. I have my own struggles but feel like I am being smothered to death because I have be a mother figure to him. I am older than him, but he says age is just a number which in normal situations it is. However with him , because he is used to the stay up late , sleep late life we fight about it. He says his childhood was snatched from him and its all coming out now. His dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom and him. His grandpa was the same. He has never put a hand on me but he is just so needy that is bothers me really bad. He says he just loves me so much and I can't accept the affection. However he goes thru a needy behavior really bad when he fights with his dad and grandfather. Comes home to me and then it filters out into our relationship. He constantly wants to know where I am what i am doing, who I'm talking to or texting . I never get jealous of him but he has big issues with jealousy and gets upset because I don't get jealous of him. He finally started going back to AA last week. He has not been in over a year. He also came bacK to his hometown where the drugs started. We fight everyday but he says that's nothing that I don't know what fighting is. Right now my kids are mad at me for dating him and he says that is their problem not mine. He needs so much attention but I'm suffering with back pain so bad that I can't work. He is good to provide for me in housing and bills etc, but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Therefore I have to absolutely push him away from me to deal with him, then he starts with the baby don't be mad at me . I'm the one that loves me more than anybody in the world and I will not find nobody better than him. I just exhausted. He guilts me & says that if I leave him he will go insane and lose everything ! He will go back to drugs etc.. I came back to him after breaking up last August because I was so afraid he would result to that.... And now it just stays on my brain of guilt of what he will do... He says they will have to commit him because I'm all the NORMAL he has.. I just need to learn HOWTODEAL... please help!!! This is way over my head! I cry alot because I don't know if I should leave or stay. At some point he has got to grow up and stop blaming others for his problems. Am I wrong feeling this way?? Am I wrong for trying block him out? The more I block out the more he pushes and gets mad and leaves to cool off.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Apparently he DOES want to keep you locked up from the world.
Originally Posted by Howtodeal
At first it was very viberant attraction and I was working full time but moved to his town to take a job which was a disaster because I cannot handle the hours of standing or sitting . However I am being treated by a new physician to help me regain my strength , so yeah for the moment it is financial . I plan on going back to school and have applied at several colleges.... Yes you can never have too much education but I feel with my time out of work , I will take advantage of schooling. Now the attraction is going away because of the neediness . I had facet blocks shots 2 Thursdays ago and by Monday I was I the ER AGAIN with stress and so much pain. It is almost like he wants to keep me locked up from the world . He feels he is protecting me.. If he leaves to go to the store he feels like he is abandoning me ... I can. Easily just be a roommate to him , done it before. I would really love to live separate and try dating him like normal ppl do but he freaks when I say that!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Clemson
Posts: 16
Wow, I guess all the red flags are shining bright, blasting me in the face! Thanks for letting me know I'm not being the selfish one and because I'm not willing to accept him. He says I knew all this to begin with but really I had no idea until I moved to his hometown and in with him.. Truly SICK ppl!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Welcome to SR, Howtodeal. As you've already seen, there's a lot of great support and information here, and you've been given a ton of good advice and many useful insights. I know it's a lot to take in, especially when it seems that you're surrounded by so many unhealthy people. Just like the rest of us here, your view of reality has been twisted by living in such craziness. Believe me, you can find the way to a healthier and so much happier life, and what's more, you deserve that!
I'd like to suggest that you read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of info there, and educating yourself about addiction is a good place to start. Your perspective will be changing more and more as you read and learn. You'll start to see yourself in the stories of others, and you'll see that you're not alone.
Can I also suggest Alanon or Nar-Anon for you? It sounds as if you really need some intensive help with putting yourself and your needs first, rather than focusing on the addict, and both of these groups can help you w/that. Also, in my opinion, it's a good idea to have some support in the real world in addition to our community here.
Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.
I'd like to suggest that you read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of info there, and educating yourself about addiction is a good place to start. Your perspective will be changing more and more as you read and learn. You'll start to see yourself in the stories of others, and you'll see that you're not alone.
Can I also suggest Alanon or Nar-Anon for you? It sounds as if you really need some intensive help with putting yourself and your needs first, rather than focusing on the addict, and both of these groups can help you w/that. Also, in my opinion, it's a good idea to have some support in the real world in addition to our community here.
Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Clemson
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by honeypig
Welcome to SR, Howtodeal. As you've already seen, there's a lot of great support and information here, and you've been given a ton of good advice and many useful insights. I know it's a lot to take in, especially when it seems that you're surrounded by so many unhealthy people. Just like the rest of us here, your view of reality has been twisted by living in such craziness. Believe me, you can find the way to a healthier and so much happier life, and what's more, you deserve that!
I'd like to suggest that you read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of info there, and educating yourself about addiction is a good place to start. Your perspective will be changing more and more as you read and learn. You'll start to see yourself in the stories of others, and you'll see that you're not alone.
Can I also suggest Alanon or Nar-Anon for you? It sounds as if you really need some intensive help with putting yourself and your needs first, rather than focusing on the addict, and both of these groups can help you w/that. Also, in my opinion, it's a good idea to have some support in the real world in addition to our community here.
Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.
I'd like to suggest that you read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of info there, and educating yourself about addiction is a good place to start. Your perspective will be changing more and more as you read and learn. You'll start to see yourself in the stories of others, and you'll see that you're not alone.
Can I also suggest Alanon or Nar-Anon for you? It sounds as if you really need some intensive help with putting yourself and your needs first, rather than focusing on the addict, and both of these groups can help you w/that. Also, in my opinion, it's a good idea to have some support in the real world in addition to our community here.
Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.
This is a lot to take in.. My choices of the past 4 bf's in 7 years have not been good. However, as I said I have my own issues to struggle with and I know nobody is perfect... We don't have al anon here locally but there may be and it's just not showing up online.. I have sought professional help and she said this guy is good for me and maybe he is but the jealousy and drama with his addict fam is killing me... I have even looked for stress rehabs and can't find them unless they are labeled addicts .. No doubt he cares for me but there is a limit and if he don't realize it then that's his problem . Not mine, anymore. Ive a good heart and try to see the good in everyone but I'm getting cold hearted these days! Trust i will find the answer to all this and soon!
You_Rock_
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Howtodeal
This is a lot to take in.. My choices of the past 4 bf's in 7 years have not been good. However, as I said I have my own issues to struggle with and I know nobody is perfect... We don't have al anon here locally but there may be and it's just not showing up online.. I have sought professional help and she said this guy is good for me and maybe he is but the jealousy and drama with his addict fam is killing me... I have even looked for stress rehabs and can't find them unless they are labeled addicts .. No doubt he cares for me but there is a limit and if he don't realize it then that's his problem . Not mine, anymore. Ive a good heart and try to see the good in everyone but I'm getting cold hearted these days! Trust i will find the answer to all this and soon! You_Rock_
You_Rock_But I've seen plenty of posts here from people who've received equally as insane comments from therapists who have NO experience in dealing with addiction issues. I suspect the therapist you saw would fit into this category also. PLEASE, PLEASE disregard any other advice you receive along this line, and if you seek therapy or counseling, make sure the therapist/counselor specializes in addiction problems.
Alanon does have phone meetings if you have nothing local; you can find the info on the Alanon site. You can also find a lot of Alanon literature on Amazon, which would also be useful. And of course, do read and post here. Your path will gradually become more clear.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Here is the thing. The alcohol and him being an addict is an issue. The bigger issue is that he wants to be "mothered." I am in the process of divorcing a man who wanted to be mothered by me. It was ok in the beginning as I really did not even realize it. Believe me, once I married him and had two children by him, I realized big time. I don't want to be a mother to three, I had two children. It was a mess. It is so good you are realizing this now.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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