New relationship
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Danville, KY
Posts: 16
New relationship
I, in the past dated an alcoholic. I have posted some of that information on here in the past. I have totally disconnected from that person and have no contact at all. I recently started dating a new guy and things have been going very well. He has a female friend who is an alcoholic and a drug addict. She just recently lost her job, one of several. She has been calling him for someone to talk to. He has been very open about it and I was there the other night when she called and I was going in the other room and he whispered, just stay right here. I don't want to sound selfish, but having dealt with the alcoholic boyfriend in the past, I have had to overcome quite a bit of anger and sadness in the last couple of years. I don't want to be associated in any way with this woman, directly or indirectly. I understand she is his friend and they have known each other for many years, but I don't wish to revisit the emotional roller coaster of dealing with an addict. Any suggestions would be so much appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello kykat,
I certainly understand your not wanting to be involved with, hear about, know anything about yet another active alcoholic....completely get that.
I suppose the only thing you can do is talk to him about how you really feel, and let him know that while you understand his need to support his friend, you have been through enough of that and just can't take any more active alcoholic drama--even indirectly.
I certainly understand your not wanting to be involved with, hear about, know anything about yet another active alcoholic....completely get that.
I suppose the only thing you can do is talk to him about how you really feel, and let him know that while you understand his need to support his friend, you have been through enough of that and just can't take any more active alcoholic drama--even indirectly.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Just a thought....alcoholics and addicts are everywhere. This may just be your HP's way of allowing you to start to learn how to address that face, while in a safe environment.
I suppose the way I would handle that is go ahead and go into the other room when she calls, and then when it's over come out and explain how I feel. "I know she's your friend, and this is what I've had to deal with in the past....This makes me feel....It triggers this...."
It could also be that you can teach him a bit about the principles of detaching with love, etc. He may need help in learning better ways to cope with his friend's situation as well.
Or, if it truly upsets you that bad, you can choose NOT to be in that situation. It's YOUR life and you most certainly can live it the way YOU want to! I'm one of those "Chronically Cautious Optimistic" people that sees every situation as an opportunity for growth within myself. Only you know what you can and can not deal with at this point in your experience.
Hugs
I suppose the way I would handle that is go ahead and go into the other room when she calls, and then when it's over come out and explain how I feel. "I know she's your friend, and this is what I've had to deal with in the past....This makes me feel....It triggers this...."
It could also be that you can teach him a bit about the principles of detaching with love, etc. He may need help in learning better ways to cope with his friend's situation as well.
Or, if it truly upsets you that bad, you can choose NOT to be in that situation. It's YOUR life and you most certainly can live it the way YOU want to! I'm one of those "Chronically Cautious Optimistic" people that sees every situation as an opportunity for growth within myself. Only you know what you can and can not deal with at this point in your experience.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Kykat,
I have had a similar experience, watching on the sidelines as someone else I care about works through a (friend-like, but enabling) relationship with an alcoholic. My Dad had a tenant in his building (where he also lives) who is an alcoholic, and a mean drunk at that. I have had to step away from the situation and tried to explain to my Dad that I couldn't be involved. I have, however, offered support to my Dad by recommending the things that have worked for me... SR, AlAnon, certain books. But, I gave him that recommendation once, and then I've dropped the subject. He hasn't followed through on any of it, and that is his prerogative. He tries many times to bring up the topic of his tenant with me, and I let him finish his thought, but I do not ask him any questions on the subject or encourage further discussion. It is just too easy for me to get stirred up in the drama and I am not willing to go there anymore. It doesn't mean my relationship with my Dad is strained. There is a lot more to life than his ex-tenant (whom he now visits in jail), and maybe a good side-effect of my decision to not engage further is that talking to me highlights those non-A parts of life.
Well, that's my experience. It's a tricky balance between support and enabling that I think applies equally to alcoholics and codependents. It's even trickier when you live with one of them though. I would just say, focus on keeping your side of the street clean. There are a lot of resources for help for codependents and alcoholics that are a lot more effective than just one friend can provide. You can take on whatever role in this situation you feel comfortable with, and be at peace with that decision.
Best,
Fathom
I have had a similar experience, watching on the sidelines as someone else I care about works through a (friend-like, but enabling) relationship with an alcoholic. My Dad had a tenant in his building (where he also lives) who is an alcoholic, and a mean drunk at that. I have had to step away from the situation and tried to explain to my Dad that I couldn't be involved. I have, however, offered support to my Dad by recommending the things that have worked for me... SR, AlAnon, certain books. But, I gave him that recommendation once, and then I've dropped the subject. He hasn't followed through on any of it, and that is his prerogative. He tries many times to bring up the topic of his tenant with me, and I let him finish his thought, but I do not ask him any questions on the subject or encourage further discussion. It is just too easy for me to get stirred up in the drama and I am not willing to go there anymore. It doesn't mean my relationship with my Dad is strained. There is a lot more to life than his ex-tenant (whom he now visits in jail), and maybe a good side-effect of my decision to not engage further is that talking to me highlights those non-A parts of life.
Well, that's my experience. It's a tricky balance between support and enabling that I think applies equally to alcoholics and codependents. It's even trickier when you live with one of them though. I would just say, focus on keeping your side of the street clean. There are a lot of resources for help for codependents and alcoholics that are a lot more effective than just one friend can provide. You can take on whatever role in this situation you feel comfortable with, and be at peace with that decision.
Best,
Fathom
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Alcoholics do seem to keep popping into my life and after getting rid of AH, I'd like to throw them out, too. There's my friend who turns out to be an A, and while she's utterly charming she's unreliable. I keep her at arm's length. Then my friend's husband is an A and she isn't ready to act so I gave her my pitch once, otherwise, leave me alone about it, please.
Finally, I guessed today that the director at my training program is very likely an A and I even thinks he knows that I know. So there goes that.
I think you might give your boyfriend your one-time A schpeel, tell him that is what it is, and tell him you don't want anything to do with this gal. If he can honor your request, good. If not, then you have to make your own decision as to whether and how to proceed.
Finally, I guessed today that the director at my training program is very likely an A and I even thinks he knows that I know. So there goes that.
I think you might give your boyfriend your one-time A schpeel, tell him that is what it is, and tell him you don't want anything to do with this gal. If he can honor your request, good. If not, then you have to make your own decision as to whether and how to proceed.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Danville, KY
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone for your very helpful and insightful comments. It is funny that we were talking the other night and he said his mom had told him that he needed to distance himself from this girl that she was going to cause problems in our relationship. It opened the door up for me and I explained to him that I understood they were long time friends and that he felt the need to be there for her. I told him that I was not asking him to make a choice between her friendship and a relationship with me, but that I did not want to be a part of it and if she decided she needed help I would give him names of people for her to contact. He seemed to understand. Now whether they have talked since, I don't know as he has said nothing more about it. He said his mom told him that she has needed help for many years and refuses to do so and that he needed to stay clear of the situation if he wanted to have a good life.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Posts: 16
Thank you MissFixit. I have had to grow a lot myself over the last couple of years. I certainly do not want to start into a new relationship with lots of demands and drama. I would not want someone to do that to me. I do believe all things work out and I want to live as drama free as possible. Hugs.
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Originally Posted by kykat 
Thank you MissFixit. I have had to grow a lot myself over the last couple of years. I certainly do not want to start into a new relationship with lots of demands and drama. I would not want someone to do that to me. I do believe all things work out and I want to live as drama free as possible. Hugs.
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