EmmyG

My mother-in-law's attitude toward me has changed somewhat. I could be misinterpreting, but I feel like she thinks I'm abandoning her son when he's "sick." I know he wants to separate, too. The other night while he was drunk (I believe I mentioned this already), he texted my mom weird stuff, that she was beautiful, etc. Last night he said, "I knew you'd find out and it would make you angry enough to leave me finally." He doesn't want to face his problems, and I think he just wants to be alone now, too.

I know we say "in sickness and in health," and I take marriage very seriously. I was raised in a very strict religion, and it was really emphasized to me growing up that you only leave if your husband is (1) unfaithful or (2) physically abusive. Well, he has been physically abusive. That I know for sure. And more and more often lately, he's not in his right mind. He says it's crazy that I think he would ever hurt me, because he'd die for me, and he'd never take it that far even drunk. I know the truth is he doesn't want to see that part of himself as real.

Anyway, I know his mother is afraid that he'll be completely alone when I'm gone and she'll have to worry about him overdoing it and killing himself. Don't you think that this is the ONLY thing I can do for him, leave him? I've done everything else - begged, pleaded for him to get help, stood by him, supported him, forgiven him. I would have to give up my own life completely to be able to stay in the marriage. I've given seven years. I know to her, you never break up a family, but this is his choice. Sucks to be made to feel like the bad guy when I'm the one who has been here dealing with his crazy antics alone, all this time.

AnvilheadII

but I feel like she thinks

get out of her head. get out of your AH's head. stay in YOUR OWN head, listen to your inner voice that is trying to keep you safe.

what his mother thinks is her business. she isn't married to him, he didn't choke her in front of the children. she can either deal with him....or let him be. HER CHOICE. he's a big boy.

he won't even admit what happened.

i think distance and lots of it would be the best for you. minimize contact with both of them. for your own sanity.

LoveMeNow

You can only be made to feel bad if you allow it.

Emmy- I say this with love and respect but when are you going to start working on you? You have been so busy taking care of him, the boys.....everyone's needs that its becomes hard to see the forest for the tress.

Moments of clarity will come, they will empower you, they will shock you and some may really hurt. Getting healthy was hard but worth it, although I still have a long way to go, I am still amazed at my own denial.

Have you read Codependent No More yet?

EmmyG

I've read it but I'm going to read it again I have a therapist appointment on Saturday and I can't wait!!

Stung

I think you're self sabotaging yourself by being in contact with them daily. You have a great support system in your parents and your sister. Let your mom be the go between with his mom. You do not need to contact them directly. You are not responsible for him or his mama. You are responsible for yourself and your boys. Period.

Fandy

You mentioned that this was NOT the first time he was physically abusive towards you.
You are out, you have moved, you are safe...remain there...Listen to your supportive family.

This is all his doing, not yours...If he is sick, he has insurance, he can get help. His mama is here for 6 weeks, if she is that concerned, she can stay longer or make arrangements for his babysitter.

He and his mama will cry wolf to you many times(good grief it's like tag team)....You let her see the kids, you spoke with him, you know he is on meds and still not sober.

Do yourself a favor. Block their calls for a couple of days or don't respond to anything. Give yourself a chance to breathe and come down from this traumatic event. Take care of YOU.

Praying

I too struggled deeply with leaving my marriage. One thing my pastor told me is that being unfaithful can take many forms. Also, if he leaves... which in many ways an active addict has done mentally or emotionally... he is the one who abandoned the true marriage or union in God's eyes. It doesn't matter if his body is still sitting there with a ring on his finger. It's really that easy biblically. Took me a long time to accept. (His physical affair eventually helped, so I guess I got to "cheat", lol)

Pastor also said that God doesn't expect self-sacrifice.

And I'm so glad to hear you say breaking up the family is his choice! I filed for divorce, but I know in my heart and soul I was just putting real life on paper. He had abandoned his wife and his children and chosen to throw it all away long before I did the paperwork. That was just legal protection of my stuff.

Someone told me a long time ago to always remember that no matter what relationship I had with his parents or how crazy he was... they are HIS parents. That hurts, because they've been my family for 20 years. But I do see it. And I am careful even though it makes me sad.

Sending you hugs!

LoveMeNow

Dr. Phil's wife just launched a new program for domestic violence. The web sight is when Georgia smiles, named after her mother. It has the abusers playbook. "I was just joking, it wasn't that bad, you are so dramatic, your nagging was the problem"

It was hard for me to believe I had allowed myself to be abused verbally and emotionally. The good man in him would never do that, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line, he abused me and I had allowed it. Painful, but I have to work through it because it was all very real, although I denied it to myself and everyone else. Years of denial was hard to break.

I remember the first time my therapist used that word ABUSE, I was shocked and appalled. I denied, justified, self blamed and minimized. Then I tried to convince him, he was abusing me, lol. Guess how well that went over?

theuncertainty

The dynamic of their relationship has been in place longer than you've been with him and it's not likely to change while both of them are wanting to sweep everything under the rug. Trying to figure out what she's thinking or what he's thinking, or saying, or why is an exercise in futility. I know that trying to figure out my xSIL and their family didn't help MY recovery/search for peace/sanity at all. I finally realized that should I be able to figure out WTH they were thinking, it'd be because I was trapped in the same mindset. And that is definitely someplace I didn't want to be.

The stuff xSIL came up during the divorce and custody process with was every bit as detrimental to my safety and mental health (despite the fact that she was trying to 'help') as what AXH did. She is actually the first person I dropped all contact with in that family. I had to. For myself.

EmmyG

All of the little doubts I have are probably due to the years of being called unreasonable/manic/crazy. The good thing is I am really angry at him, and for years, no one in my family could understand why I wasn't more angry after everything he's put me through and the stress of all of it. I always saw it as "he's sick, he has a problem, that's not the real him, he doesn't mean to." I am finally MAD. But I'm not going to engage with him/them. I'm working on getting the money together right now, seeing if I can have enough to move out on April 15 (staying with my parents until then). I told him yesterday that I will only communicate with him re: the kids, and I'm not interested in anything he's doing related to getting help.

LoveMeNow

If a sick addict attacked and robbed a family member....would you give them the same "he is sick" pass?

That was a tough one for me. I gave my husband the "he is sick" pass for far too long. But the reality was, I was too. I knew what I had to do but fear and denial kept me stuck. I just didn't like my solutions. I was now officially addicted to my husband and the insanity.

They are sick because they choose not to get well. We are too, if we continue the dance.

LoveMeNow

Printing out some of my most difficult and honest posts to read my therapist was very helpful.

CodeJob

Emmy,who cares what MIL or anyone else thinks. You have to stay safe so you can raise these boys. That is your top priority. Of course her attitude is going to shift. Her DS is a mess.

Is this neurologist appt. set? Are all the scans done for them to fully evaluate 'the spot'? Who gave him the brilliant idea that drinking would keep the seizures at bay? Probably his own brilliant self with the UK accent. Well bloody heck - his life is not a cute Guinness commercial - his life is the life of an ADDICT. He has choice in choosing to use each and every day. You have first hand lived with the cyclical nature of his addiction. Its not like you are a neurosurgeon and can peek at his MRI and decide to just pop that little brain cyst out and not to worry it will also remove his crazy train drunken personality...

Your job is to salvage the best products of your marriage - the boys. To do that you need to be safe and sane.

Ann

I can't speak for your mother in law, but as a mother of an addict myself I can tell you I would cringe each time my son found a new girlfriend because I KNEW it would be heartache for her. When the mother of his son left him...actually, she threw him out, I mentally cheered for her for keeping what was best for the boy first and foremost.

Mostly I kept quiet and didn't judge his relationships, not out loud, but I am sure a few of his lady friends thought I must be right out of my mind...because I was in my dark days of full blown codependency.

You do what is right for you dear, and don't give a moment's thought to what people think. You are the one who has to live your life and you are the one who gets to say what is okay in your life and what is not.

Hugs

Fandy

Emmy, go back and read your thread from January 21, titled My husband is an abusive jerk....

the time you prepared his "juice fast" and he wanted take out...when you questioned him, he called you an effing C***.

oh, and BTW, i do not know the condition of your husband's neuro issue, but I do have one of my own...I have a 4mm anuerysm in my own pointy little head, the first thing my neurologist and neurosurgen told me to do ( I was hospitalized for a week for testing) was stop drinking....they both told me it could actually trigger a seizure. (I have stopped drinking almost 3 years, feel much better and no stent is planned, I keep myself healthy and reasonalby sane, work full time, exercise, take care of my own house and garden, I am 57)

so his drinking "to avoid a seizure" is fabrication.

JustAGirl1971

Emmy, the title of your post says it all: The Only Way. Leaving him to figure it out himself is the only way to give yourself and your children the peace you all deserve. Don't worry about what his mother is thinking or feeling. Like others have said, she is responsible for her thoughts and feelings, not you. You are only responsible for you and your children! You're doing the right thing! Stay strong and do not give into the feelings of guilt (or the guilt trips imposed by others.) Counseling's great. Alanon's good, too, if that's an option.

Hugs, Emmy. You can do this!

coraltint

I remember feeling like there had to be some perfect combination of yelling, logic & guilting I could throw at my pilled & boozed up wife to show her how insane she was being. Nothing worked until I stopped and just let her consequences hit her in the face. Tied down to a gurney with a catheter in helped her see she might have a problem.

I know it's really hard & your AH and his mom are trying to make you feel like you're bailing. But he is dangerous to you & your kids. He will never understand the weight of his problem until you let him feel it fully.

Good luck, keep coming back here!