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Old 03-20-2014, 07:24 AM
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Experience and wisdom needed

There is an event for one of my daughters this weekend that I am hosting but hosting it at a public place. XAH has said (& he is right) that I can't keep him from public places and he will come if he likes. I asked him to allow a peaceful day for our child and please not come but I can't be sure what he will do.

I'm in a full blown panic about this and it's paralyzing me.

I have a million things to do to prepare for this event and can't help but be resentful that not only do I have no one to help prepare everything for it but I might have to deal w mr narcissist abuser showing up and putting on a show for the other parents there.

I have been in tears about this the last two nights and know that I need to just accept it and suck it up bc I can't control whether he shows up or not.

Does anyone have some wisdom to impart?

I've worked hard to make life calmer and peaceful for my kids and I and this is a really special day for my daughter and I don't want the stress that XAH brings to impact my child's day as has happened so so so many times before.

I guess I need to just deal but I'm upset and needed to vent.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:29 AM
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Do you not have a restraining order against him?
If that is the case, and you have informed him about the event, I think you have every right to bar him from that place. It's definitely something I'd check with my lawyer about...
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:33 AM
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His lawyer got the prosecutor to modify the RO to allow him to attend public events. This was Monday. I wasn't asked if I was ok with it. I got notified by a sheriff delivering the modified bail conditions Monday night.

I didn't tell him of this event. But he's friends w dads of two kids coming so I'm guessing they informed him
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:36 AM
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Oh that sucks. I'm sorry.

So he's doing this in order to put you on edge. Ignoring the effect it will have on his children. What a prize a$$.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:39 AM
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If he can legally be there, then you cannot stop him. Are there restrictions about him coming near near you even at these public events? If you don't know, can you ask a police officer? Do you have a friend in your local police office?
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:47 AM
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Anyone on Team WTBH that will be there with you that knows what's up?

When I get anxious, I lay in bed at night and meditate on acceptance and release. I have a very specific exercise I learned in therapy to do this that actually helps. I also remind myself that I can do ANYTHING for a few hours. ANYTHING. Even be in the same room with my abusive narcissistic ex.

1) Keep your distance.
2) Keep your phone handy in case you need to record him.
3) Find out if there is a minimum distance you must maintain between each other.
4) Stay on the other side of the venue.
5) Hug yourself.
6) You can do this.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:47 AM
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Well, since there's nothing you can do about it, I would suggest that you avoid him as much as possible. I'm assuming there will be several people there, so I can't imagine him trying to do anything physical. He might, however, attempt to engage you to try to make it look like you are argumentative. It's better to have to deal with him in public than inside your home.

I'm sorry he just keeps pushing and pushing. It would be nice if he just fell over a cliff somewhere.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:51 AM
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I'm sorry, WTBH That really sucks What a jerk! I second msfixit. Find out exactly what your rights are so you can enforce those. Lots of prayers for a peaceful and joyous event for you and your daughter.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:57 AM
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Just reading your post triggers me... I know that fear, that inability to control "your world" if he chooses to do this, which he will.

Take a deep breath. He will be there. He will walk that line, pushing it just as far as he can. So what next?

Do you have any large, male friends? Heck, just any male friends? Will there be any parents of kids there that know your story? I think you'd be surprised how willing people will be to buffer this for you if you ask. And I'd ask if it were me, because that's a big burden to hold while doing everything.

I'm furious on your behalf. This is ridiculous and he knows it. And that's precisely why he's doing it...just to get to you. If at all possible find a way to disallow that. He can be there physically, but only you can open the door to your brain. (God, I know it's not just that easy. But you can do it.)

Don't know if you're in the mood for a laugh, but the first time I had to see X after several months, I was a mess. I told my friends I should hire a bodybuilder to answer the door in only a towel, looking like he just stumbled out of bed, and acting like he had no clue who X was or why he'd be there. Then to mumble something like "yeah, I think she mentioned she was married or something a long time ago. So...what do you want?" Ha ha, minimizing the entire marriage and the fact that he was a passing statement in my life (and I was "with" a hunk) would be hilarious! He might just implode and take his issues with him.

Didn't do it. But the thought still makes me smile.

I'm sending you major hugs and prayers!!!
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:58 AM
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Just a thought, if he shows up and acts like a jerk you will now have lots of witnesses there to back you up. Have a couple of close friends be by your side at all times.

Above all don't lose your cool.

He may just be driving another nail into his own coffin.

Your friend,
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:00 AM
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I am so sorry, that does stink. Hopefully he will just stick around the dads he knows and let things be peaceful. I would ignore him 100%.

I will be praying for you that it is the lovely day you want and that you and your DD have a wonderful time!

Hugs.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:09 AM
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He never ever ever acts like a jerk with an audience. And I have spent years trying to get away from him and was so looking forward to a peaceful event for my child.

He is charming and engaging and will play the part of great dad and it will be really really hard for me to not be upset.

I'm honestly considering bowing out and telling him he can host the get together. It's not worth it to me to have to be around him and I will have a time later to celebrate with my kids.

I don't think I can handle being in the same space as him.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:09 AM
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Listen to your gut. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:12 AM
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The event is my dd's birthday party w her school friends and I specifically had it away from home so I could lessen stress for me around prepping etc and cleaning etc...

I am going to email XAH and offer for him to host it because I don't think it's good for the girls that we are there together and will say that to him. I also don't think I can handle being near him right now. But that part I won't say....
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:14 AM
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Before handing it to him, consider moving it back to your house. Where he can't go.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
He never ever ever acts like a jerk with an audience. And I have spent years trying to get away from him and was so looking forward to a peaceful event for my child.

He is charming and engaging and will play the part of great dad and it will be really really hard for me to not be upset.

I'm honestly considering bowing out and telling him he can host the get together. It's not worth it to me to have to be around him and I will have a time later to celebrate with my kids.

I don't think I can handle being in the same space as him.
Oh, I hope you don't bow out. If he knows you're going to do that, then he might decide not to show up and then who will be there for your kids?

I don't mean to sound harsh and I think you know I don't mean it that way, but at some point, you are going to have to accept that he is going to be a part of your life at least until your daughters are grown and on their own. I know you hate it. I hated it, too, but there's nothing we can do about it. Please don't let him stop you from having this celebration for your daughter. If you do, he will have won. Don't let him win. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:15 AM
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At least you know now that he can be in public places, so now you know if you host an event don't make it at a public place. I know that stinks, but it will be ok. I agree, listen to your gut. However, how will it affect your children to let him host it? I think it is important to know you will be seeing him in public places and will have to wrap your mind around it. I know it stinks and it's not fair. However, there is nothing you can do at this point to change that, so what can you do going forward. How can you handle seeing him. There will be lots of people there. Keep yourself in sane mind. You say he is not going to hurt you while there. Can you bear it to just ignore him?

I don't have the answers, just trying to help you sort out how to deal with this in the future and hate to see all of your work ruined.

God Bless my friend.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:41 AM
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I'm in full blown fear, anxiety and panic mode. He has pending assault charges and bc he has a snake lawyer he now has access to me which is abusive in and of itself.

I need to get my head in a different place.... I've been in tears since Monday about this...
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:46 AM
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I'm so sorry. Wish I could help. Do you have a close friend you can take and stick to to help get your mind off him? I don't know what else to suggest, but I feel like he is going to keep doing these types of things because he knows it puts you in full blown fear, anxiety and panic mode.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:51 AM
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My best friend will be there and she knows he's an a$$. He's caused so much damage to so many friendships for the girls and I and I feel like his being there with me when everyone knows he's just been arrested for attacking me makes me look as insane as him. I'm anxious about all of it....
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