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Old 03-20-2014, 07:40 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I've thought so much about you and this today.
Here's what I think I landed on:

You have every right to do what YOU feel is best for YOU and the kids.
If that is having the party, have it.
If that is canceling the party, cancel it.
If that is moving the party to your house, do it.
If that is bringing Arnold Schwartzenegger... well, he may be otherwise occupied, but if you want to bring someone whose sole job it is to keep Ex away from you during the party -- do it.

Do not for a second concern yourself about what people are going to think.
People are going to think whateverthehell they damn well please.
Regardless of what you do.

And that includes the kids. If it's a disappointment to them, they'll get over it.

Go with your gut and stay safe. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-21-2014, 06:10 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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1) My lawyer, to whom I owe $5,000 has offered NO help whatsoever with the criminal matter involved xAH (his assaults on me). I went to court the day of his arraignment and spoke to the victim witness advocate about being terrified of him and left. That is the same day he, with his lawyer, got the bail conditions changed.

2) The bail conditions requiring no contact were changed so that he still can not be within 100 yards of me or my home (unless he is coming to pick up the girls at his prescribed parenting time-- totally insane that the court allows that in my estimation) but the temporary parenting order was reinstated to allow him to "attend all extracurricular, social and school functions for the children". This was done in the criminal court, my lawyer was not there to argue for how insane this is and I was not there either.

3) My lawyer has said to go along with it and show the court I am not trying to keep the girls from their father and that unless I can pay her the full $5,000 right now she cant represent me anymore.

So, I am pretty screwed.

The assault was less than a month ago, he has been able to regain access to me and the order from the court is nice and vague so that I really have zero protection.
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Old 03-21-2014, 06:49 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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WTBH,

Hugs.

Eh, your lawyer sounds like she has her own best interests at heart. Having not retained a lawyer I can't really give any useful input.

I wish you discernment so you can decide what is best for your daughter and for you.
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Old 03-21-2014, 06:52 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I had to extend my line of credit to pay for my divorce and I'll be paying it off $50 and $100 at a time. I know we say no advice, and I'm already advice city over here, but if I was not able to put my lawyer fees on a credit card, I would not have been able to leave my STBXAH. It's nuts, and when I think about it too hard I get sick over the interest I'll be paying on it, but I just consider it the fee for leaving a terrible, nightmarish relationship. It is what it is.
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Old 03-21-2014, 07:35 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Have you called the prosecutor or the victim's advocate for the DA? That's the lawyer who has control over your restraining order/protective order, I would think. And that is who can do something about what XH's lawyer did about getting the bond conditions changed.

Your divorce lawyer isn't really the lawyer for the criminal incident. That's the state's attorney and that is whom you should contact about how this happened and how to proceed.
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Old 03-21-2014, 07:37 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Are you going to the party?
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Old 03-21-2014, 11:09 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I have maxed out my 3 credit cards on my lawyer. I literally don't have a cent left in credit...

What xAH has done very well is argue, drag out the divorce, fight every point and its dragged on and on and on and I have no more more to fight....

I think I read that this is a tactic of abusers and he sure fits the bill...

I haven't decided about the party... It has been a horrific day here for reasons unrelated to the bday...
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Old 03-21-2014, 11:48 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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It's a HUGE tactic of narcissists. I (unfortunately) have a friend who went through a similar divorce (our stories are eerily similar), and she barely lived off of credit cards for the two years after he left before the divorce was final. He never gave her and her son a cent. She scrapped it together and stood her ground... and he was ultimately ordered to pay off the bills... but I was sick at what he was allowed to do along the way.

Oh, and a year later he hasn't paid the credit cards that were solely in her name. Just to mess with her credit, we think. She's headed back to court soon and is sick over it.

Long way of saying... I KNOW IT SUCKS!!! However, I can tell you that everyone was willing to help her financially while she stood her ground, so that he couldn't win by dragging it out. So just know that people will likely want to do the same for you.

There are some good websites out there and some really good books on narcissism that might help you if you're a reader. It's easy to say, but please hold your ground when you feel like giving up.

I was floored through my own divorce (and after seeing hers) how ill-equipped most family lawyers are in term of the financial savvy needed in these situations, along with having an underlying belief that neither party would act blatantly unreasonably. (I think it's due to a lack of exposure to narcissism/sociopath behaviors.) I have a financial background and made equal money so fortunately could protect myself. Someday I hope to help more people in this situation because it's completely infuriating and unacceptable...

I'm sorry if I rant on this topic. I find it so appalling, and it hits way too close to home. I unfortunately know how you are feeling, and I know that at times your brain probably says...maybe I should let this go... and I think you'd ultimately regret it. PM me if you ever want to "chat".

You can do this!
I hope everything else is going well today.
Hugs and prayers that your daughter's birthday turns out well for both of you.
And keep taking care of you.
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Old 03-21-2014, 12:02 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry. Try to keep your perspective. Try not to engage him and if he engages you just ignore it. The anxiety is usually worse than the reality. My daughters therapist always tells her "it's almost never as bad as you think its is or will be". Hopefully, fingers crossed he will be on his best behavior since you are in public. Just stay away as much as possible and focus on your DD. It is her day and she deserves a special one!
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Old 03-21-2014, 12:09 PM
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(((((hugs))))), WTBH. My attorney allowed me to make monthly payments both during and after the hearings. I don't have my file with me, but I think that part of the paperwork she had me sign was a fee agreement. Would your attorney be willing to work with something like that?
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Old 03-21-2014, 12:32 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I have maxed out my 3 credit cards on my lawyer. I literally don't have a cent left in credit...

What xAH has done very well is argue, drag out the divorce, fight every point and its dragged on and on and on and I have no more more to fight....

I think I read that this is a tactic of abusers and he sure fits the bill...

I haven't decided about the party... It has been a horrific day here for reasons unrelated to the bday...
Does your daughter expect you there? Does she need you there for emotional support? Is this your younger daughter or the older teen (who might not want mom there anyway)? Is the venue okay with having you put the deposit down and not attend the event?
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:24 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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I went, he did show up, he looked hungover and in my friends estimation looked like an idiot bc he scarfed down the kids food and just sat offering NO help at all and not interacting with any of the other adults except one other dad who is the spouse of a friend of mine and one of xAH's drinking buddies...

I was a mess until the morning of the party and thank god for my best friend who talked me down from the ledge and told me that the best revenge would be for me to go and be charming and confident and not react to anything he might do.

I didn't think I could do it but she came early and was there with me to set up when he showed up and kind of was my buffer.

She is a new ish friend (since this fall) who I got to be friends with because of xAH slandering me to her and her ex husband who he's friends with. She approached me and said "here's what I have heard and want to give you the respect to ask you if it's true". So I laid the truth out and it turns out she has a mom with BPD just like me, her boys and my girls have become fast friends and we are going on vacation together this summer she and I and the kids...

So, I am eternally grateful to her and to you all for encouraging me to stand up to him by being strong...

I wish he hadn't been there, I was nervous as all get out but I did it... And my dd had a great party
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:29 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Thank you for the update. I was wondering how it went. I'm glad you went and it turned out to be no big deal that he showed up. (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:29 PM
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WTBH, that is great! You stood up to your fears and everything worked out.



Your friend,
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:32 PM
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What a great update. Though it wasn't ideal for you I am glad you stuck with it and went. Glad your dd had a great party.
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:34 PM
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Side bar...

In true crazy alcoholic manner though he did spend the night texting me telling me my best friend is afraid of me and I am delusional to think she was there to support me-- he reported that she was there to monitor my behavior because she is afraid of her kids being around me.

Ironically she was with me Sat night having a play date with our kids and we were having pizza and a glass of wine and we had some good laughs over his texts...

He has successfully played this game where he alienates friends from me for many many years and fortunately this friend sees right through him and its a welcome relief...
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:38 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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God, what a loser. LOL!
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
God, what a loser. LOL!

I think he may actually believe the crap he says and lives in a fantasy land where he believes he's seen as a good guy...

I am home with a sick kid today (the birthday girl) and had a nice long chat with DCYF AND the head prosecutor about some of his recent behaviors and am feeling mighty empowered for taking steps on my own, without waiting for my BS lawyer, to deal with his never ending nonsense...

One thing I have going for me is that he is DUMB as dirt. He puts things in writing that are damning to him so I think today I might have made some headway in my divorce.

$15,000 later, my lawyer has done not a damn thing useful and today I got more done with a few calls than she has in months.
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:53 PM
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Old 03-24-2014, 01:06 PM
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Awesome update, WTBH! I'm so went and everything went reasonably ok.
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