5 Languages of Love
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5 Languages of Love
So I read the book yesterday - skimmed it. Two people recommended it to me, two very different people, so if took it as a sign from my HP. Reserved it at my local BN. When I got there, of course I had to browse and saw they had at least 10 copies... Ha ha.
So I tested 2 equally though in reality I am so starved for affection, the physical touch scored high as more of a temporary indicator. In my heart I know I am all about Quality Time. My H does not get this when I try to explain it. You know smoking in the garage is totally quality time bc I am not drinking at a bar. This has been an issue for me all my life. Intriguing for Step 4 work bc MY reality might not at all indicate what was really going on in multiple relationships...
I suspect his language will be acts of service. All of his work around the house is likely not just him trying not to drink, I think he is trying to 'make up to me' in the only way he knows how. He's been driving me nuts but chances are high I was not interpreting what these acts meant.
The book is short. It is light. It does not address addiction. But knowing why I feel so starved for love is reassuring. I asked Mr. Denial to take the quiz online and gave him the book last night. He pitched a fit. "I'm tired." Fine I said, do it tomorrow. He is doing it right now. I hear him sighing and I want to smack him.
And I am right. He is Acts Of Service. I hate it when I am right.
So I tested 2 equally though in reality I am so starved for affection, the physical touch scored high as more of a temporary indicator. In my heart I know I am all about Quality Time. My H does not get this when I try to explain it. You know smoking in the garage is totally quality time bc I am not drinking at a bar. This has been an issue for me all my life. Intriguing for Step 4 work bc MY reality might not at all indicate what was really going on in multiple relationships...
I suspect his language will be acts of service. All of his work around the house is likely not just him trying not to drink, I think he is trying to 'make up to me' in the only way he knows how. He's been driving me nuts but chances are high I was not interpreting what these acts meant.
The book is short. It is light. It does not address addiction. But knowing why I feel so starved for love is reassuring. I asked Mr. Denial to take the quiz online and gave him the book last night. He pitched a fit. "I'm tired." Fine I said, do it tomorrow. He is doing it right now. I hear him sighing and I want to smack him.
And I am right. He is Acts Of Service. I hate it when I am right.
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Yes I love this book. It brought me understanding. I read it last year and I know physical contact and quality time are my love languages. Too bad AH can't fulfill those needs 
His was gift giving and receiving. Of course being a good wife I would buy him little things every couple weeks to show my love. Did I get physical contact or quality time? No of course not.
He also said we spend quality time together which to him means getting drunk, talking nonsense slurred bs and forgetting the next day. Sounds similar to your situation.
What a Romeo
His was gift giving and receiving. Of course being a good wife I would buy him little things every couple weeks to show my love. Did I get physical contact or quality time? No of course not.
He also said we spend quality time together which to him means getting drunk, talking nonsense slurred bs and forgetting the next day. Sounds similar to your situation.
What a Romeo
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Forgot to add that knowing his love language does give you some peace. He is doing acts of service to show his love. I guess it's a sliver lining. When you see his acts of service you know he is showing love.
But what about your needs?
But what about your needs?
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I love that book, but I think it's not as accurate while in a relationship with someone who is starving you for affection. I had a very clear love language which surprised me when I first read it years ago...
Now that I'm in a good relationship, I have no earthly idea if it's the same, because he actually addresses pretty much all the deficits I used to have. I have a guess as to what his is, but a year in, it's not a book a actually need.
The last time I skimmed the quiz, I had a harder time choosing because I felt far more satisfied and loved than I had in a really long time.
Now that I'm in a good relationship, I have no earthly idea if it's the same, because he actually addresses pretty much all the deficits I used to have. I have a guess as to what his is, but a year in, it's not a book a actually need.
The last time I skimmed the quiz, I had a harder time choosing because I felt far more satisfied and loved than I had in a really long time.
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Trailsky - You are exactly right! Mr. Denial did not even ask me what my language was... That was not lost on me.
DMC, I agree. My 'love tank' is like a shriveled up raisin. It is hard to conceptualize a better relationship, but it is conceivable.
Thanks for posting!
DMC, I agree. My 'love tank' is like a shriveled up raisin. It is hard to conceptualize a better relationship, but it is conceivable.
Thanks for posting!
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AH actually read the book and we talked about our love languages together. I thought it was going to be a positive step towards a connection that we desperately needed. I guess he never thought too much about it.
The one thing that I loved so much about our relationship was our honesty and ability to communicate. It just deteriorated over time and the drink ruled all.
The one thing that I loved so much about our relationship was our honesty and ability to communicate. It just deteriorated over time and the drink ruled all.
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I read this in the slew of marriage books o the last decade. I was quality time, he was service. I modified my behavior to try the service. He...never once attempted the hint of affection, and "logged hours" expecting credit..."hey, I try. Remember last summer when I drove to the beach with you and he kids?" (Yes, I do...but I don't think that should have been a "chore"? And you acted irritated the whole time?)
I stated clearly more times than I can count (and I'm going to look really dumb here for having these conversations and still being married)..."I don't want you to do task X. All I want is for you to act like you like me. To be kind, to enjoy me. That's it."
I said those exact words very clearly for years. Later read the book, tried to help initiate change. For us it didn't matter because of his overriding issues. I eventually learned.
But I think the book could be fabulous in the hands of a committed couple who both want to try. I learned my kids' love languages and it's helped me affirm my love for them in ways they need it (that I wouldn't have thought of) through everything.
I stated clearly more times than I can count (and I'm going to look really dumb here for having these conversations and still being married)..."I don't want you to do task X. All I want is for you to act like you like me. To be kind, to enjoy me. That's it."
I said those exact words very clearly for years. Later read the book, tried to help initiate change. For us it didn't matter because of his overriding issues. I eventually learned.
But I think the book could be fabulous in the hands of a committed couple who both want to try. I learned my kids' love languages and it's helped me affirm my love for them in ways they need it (that I wouldn't have thought of) through everything.
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I did it when they were 9 and 11, but I think you could learn something at any age. Online there was a kid version, which I read aloud to each individually-- it was more of a "would you rather have" set of questions. I read it so it wouldn't be "work" for them, and hearing their thoughts gave me good insight into their answers. My 11-year old was funny...he said "of course I'm going to say I want that...that's a dumb question...what kid is gonna say they don't want presents?" Led to a good chat.
Thinking I should do it again now. That was a few years back when we were in more chaos.
Thinking I should do it again now. That was a few years back when we were in more chaos.
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Praying, you are so right! I plan to figure out my kid! I was telling him about it last night at dinner and I could only remember 4 of the languages and I started laughing and said, "Well clearly the one I cannot remember is not important!" But this morning, I rubbed his sleepy head and said I love you see you at noon! Just in case he is physical touch and words of affirmation!
My H in the past was often not affirming when I did manage to do things right. This also explains why I get stressed out cleaning and cooking. No matter what I do, it is not my thing and I feel like a failure bc it never meets his standards. This explains so many arguments we have had over the years. He takes me forgetting the coffee filters as I hate his guts and I was just dragging myself through the store hating the entire experience and remembered every thing else so what's the big deal? The funny thing is I take off my shoes when I get home. I am thinking I am keeping the house cleaner and he hates the clutter of my shoes collecting by the various doors. So I tried really keeping up on putting away my shoes, and still he complained. So I see that no matter what I do, it is likely still not going to be enough. He has issues with things looking just so and the very nature of life with full time working wife, kid, and dogs does not equal a pristine house with everything in its place.
My H in the past was often not affirming when I did manage to do things right. This also explains why I get stressed out cleaning and cooking. No matter what I do, it is not my thing and I feel like a failure bc it never meets his standards. This explains so many arguments we have had over the years. He takes me forgetting the coffee filters as I hate his guts and I was just dragging myself through the store hating the entire experience and remembered every thing else so what's the big deal? The funny thing is I take off my shoes when I get home. I am thinking I am keeping the house cleaner and he hates the clutter of my shoes collecting by the various doors. So I tried really keeping up on putting away my shoes, and still he complained. So I see that no matter what I do, it is likely still not going to be enough. He has issues with things looking just so and the very nature of life with full time working wife, kid, and dogs does not equal a pristine house with everything in its place.
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