Gotta get through this part and stay away!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Fandy 
He will say anything to save face at this point (and probably avoid the wrath of The Mama too).
This would be an excellent time for him to get into rehab, start going to AA meetings, get in-patient or out-patient therapy...so many opportunities for healing and self improvement and so little time! If he doesn't want to do that while his mother is there...then she's part of the problem. If she's not moving him forward, then she's holding him back...and she needs to understand that getting him into a program may literally save his life. She may have no better understanding of how difficult and dangerous an addiction to alcohol is that the rest of us did in our years of denial. Plus, while he's in rehab, she can spend time with her grandchildren. Win-win.
Instead, he want you to come home. To do what exactly?
If he truly wants to work on his recovery, then what better time than when he's got an empty house and no responsibilities more important than getting sober?
Tell him that he needs to focus on himself for the next 90 days (or 6 months, or a year) and then you'll reevaluate to see what kind of progress he's making. Don't make any promises...but also don't rule anything out. Alcoholism makes it difficult for us to see our own lives clearly...it takes time for the fog to lift.
No offense intended, but you sound like you're not in a great place yourself. Think about getting some counseling, or going to some Al-Anon meetings. There's really no better time to start taking care of yourself than while your husband is in rehab!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thanks, I read all of your comments thoroughly. AH is sobering up, as I expected him to. Feeling terrible, feeling guilty. This time though, he agrees that we need to give notice on our place and move out. He agrees that it's a bad situation. I told him I'll be staying at my parents until I find an apartment (already looking), and that if he means all that he's saying now about getting help, he'll just do it, but not with my help. I said his behavior has been unacceptable, and that acting like a "married" couple is off the table for the foreseeable future. I will not live in the same house with him anymore because I do not feel safe and his words are meaningless. I've said similar things before but never meant them, this time I do. I've had some kind of emotional breakthrough because I'm not sad about it at all.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by mattmathews
Exactly. He will say anything.
This would be an excellent time for him to get into rehab, start going to AA meetings, get in-patient or out-patient therapy...so many opportunities for healing and self improvement and so little time! If he doesn't want to do that while his mother is there...then she's part of the problem. If she's not moving him forward, then she's holding him back...and she needs to understand that getting him into a program may literally save his life. She may have no better understanding of how difficult and dangerous an addiction to alcohol is that the rest of us did in our years of denial. Plus, while he's in rehab, she can spend time with her grandchildren. Win-win.
Instead, he want you to come home. To do what exactly?
If he truly wants to work on his recovery, then what better time than when he's got an empty house and no responsibilities more important than getting sober?
Tell him that he needs to focus on himself for the next 90 days (or 6 months, or a year) and then you'll reevaluate to see what kind of progress he's making. Don't make any promises...but also don't rule anything out. Alcoholism makes it difficult for us to see our own lives clearly...it takes time for the fog to lift.
No offense intended, but you sound like you're not in a great place yourself. Think about getting some counseling, or going to some Al-Anon meetings. There's really no better time to start taking care of yourself than while your husband is in rehab!
This would be an excellent time for him to get into rehab, start going to AA meetings, get in-patient or out-patient therapy...so many opportunities for healing and self improvement and so little time! If he doesn't want to do that while his mother is there...then she's part of the problem. If she's not moving him forward, then she's holding him back...and she needs to understand that getting him into a program may literally save his life. She may have no better understanding of how difficult and dangerous an addiction to alcohol is that the rest of us did in our years of denial. Plus, while he's in rehab, she can spend time with her grandchildren. Win-win.
Instead, he want you to come home. To do what exactly?
If he truly wants to work on his recovery, then what better time than when he's got an empty house and no responsibilities more important than getting sober?
Tell him that he needs to focus on himself for the next 90 days (or 6 months, or a year) and then you'll reevaluate to see what kind of progress he's making. Don't make any promises...but also don't rule anything out. Alcoholism makes it difficult for us to see our own lives clearly...it takes time for the fog to lift.
No offense intended, but you sound like you're not in a great place yourself. Think about getting some counseling, or going to some Al-Anon meetings. There's really no better time to start taking care of yourself than while your husband is in rehab!
I have a therapy appointment on Saturday afternoon : )
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Also, we have an excellent medical insurance plan kicking in on May 1. If he wanted to, he could go get a ton of help at little to no cost at that time. He won't have any excuse. It will be completely up to him though, I want no involvement.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Oh, Emmy, as I read what you were saying to your mom in the original post, my heart dropped into my stomach. I'm so glad your mom said what she said and then to read this:
AXH was so apologetic after he did something nasty. Saying he's sorry and feeling guilty wasn't enough to keep him from doing it again. And it was escalating. He never hit me, he used intimidation and threats, but I was waiting for the day when he decided I wasn't worth holding back any more. I knew one day, he'd do more. And he did, with the next girl. I have a copy of the the restraining order she took out against him. (Should he ever file paperwork with the court like he's supposed to in order to see DS again, I will use it to show the court why they should not repeat their decision to allow any of his GFs to supervise the visits.)
Originally Posted by EmmyG
I will not live in the same house with him anymore because I do not feel safe and his words are meaningless. I've said similar things before but never meant them, this time I do. I've had some kind of emotional breakthrough because I'm not sad about it at all.
Originally Posted by EmmyG
AH is sobering up, as I expected him to. Feeling terrible, feeling guilty.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I can't explain it, because we've had more than one incident where he's gotten physical. This time just feels like the point of no return. It's like my heart won't lie to my head any longer. And my kids (especially my 6-year-old) are getting older. He is an AWESOME kid - hilarious and has a lot of friends. Whenever I drop him off at school in the morning, he gets about 10 hugs. I love that and I want to keep it that way. I want him to be happy, and I can't live with myself if I put AH's happiness above his, his little brother's, and mine. What's also made it easier is AH has been a complete jerk for the last six months or so - more and more. I actually don't look forward to spending time with him. I used to like him sober, and I don't now. It's rare that I enjoy his company. More bad than good, as they say. I've been fantasizing about my own place for awhile now, so I'm actually excited. I love him and I will worry about him, but I am emotionally ready to do so from a safe distance. I don't want to be wrapped up in it anymore while our lives pass by.
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by EmmyG
Thanks, I read all of your comments thoroughly. AH is sobering up, as I expected him to. Feeling terrible, feeling guilty. This time though, he agrees that we need to give notice on our place and move out. He agrees that it's a bad situation. I told him I'll be staying at my parents until I find an apartment (already looking), and that if he means all that he's saying now about getting help, he'll just do it, but not with my help. I said his behavior has been unacceptable, and that acting like a "married" couple is off the table for the foreseeable future. I will not live in the same house with him anymore because I do not feel safe and his words are meaningless. I've said similar things before but never meant them, this time I do. I've had some kind of emotional breakthrough because I'm not sad about it at all.
so glad you are having a breakthrough. This is going to get better on your own when you don't have him in your head or physically hurting you. Space and time will lift some of the fog. You are awesome
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