Timeforachange1

So my AH and I are separated. He just called me (he works out of town) to inform me that he went to the ER a month ago, and they have called him to tell him he has throat cancer. When he told me I immediately thought... MANIPULATION!!!!! I don't really want to be insensitive, but I don't trust a word he says anymore. I asked him to have the hospital call me directly to confirm this diagnosis.

I am in the middle of my work day, and I cannot afford to let this possible manipulative ploy distract me today. I am not really sure if this is how I should feel because honestly, I am just numb at this point. I would hope someone wouldn't stoop to falsifying medical conditions, but who knows these days...

I am so skeptical I think- 'Can I call the hospital and ask for confirmation? We are married, but I think HIPPA may not allow this form of disclosure.' I guess it is back to work I go.... a minor speed bump in my day but not a crisis I care to deal with at this exact moment.

lillamy

Whether it's true or not, there's really nothing you can do about it, right?

Sounds a bit fishy though, that it would take a month after an ER visit to find this out. When cancer is suspected, doctors tend to act quickly. I feel like there's some missing information here. Either way, it's not really your problem, right?

Timeforachange1

Yeah, and now he won't answer me when I ask when I should be expecting the hospital's call. This is a very, very large hospital we are supposably talking about- not a little mom and pops bandage shop!

I call BULL ****!

The level some will stoop to try and woo you back... PUKE IN MY MOUTH!

CodeJob

I think I heard about this on 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me' - something is fishy... Soon he'll be talking like Michael Douglas that you gave it to him!

Robbery Thwarted by Big Mouth Billy Bass, the Singing Fish - The Wire

DMC

Ok, couldn't resist.

Throat cancer is not a diagnosis we make in the ER. Well, I have speculated a couple of times, but it has to be confirmed with a biopsy - which is again, NOT done in the ER. Not to mention, that is NOT a diagnosis you give over the phone. (And yes, I am a medical professional, and I have had to tell people they had cancer. Sadly, many times.) But never over the phone a month later. Fishy at best.

Now would an ENT's office call with that news? I kind of doubt it. But not the ER or "the hospital." And no, they won't tell you anything if you were to call.

sickpuppy33

I admire that you are able to focus on the task at hand instead of allowing emotion to cloud your vision. My thoughts are with you

ladyscribbler

My ex husband used his health as a way to try to manipulate me as well. He was not an alcoholic, just very manipulative and unable/unwilling to be honest. He actually did have cancer- it would periodically go into remission, and then he would tell me it was back. I never knew whether to trust him or not- I only ever had his word for anything, and I knew he was not a reliable source of information.
He died last July- from cancer, and up until I got the call from his second wife that he was in hospice, I really didn't believe he was sick again. I feel sorrier for him now than I did when he was actually sick and suffering, because his lies caught up to him in the end.
I have to agree with DMC. This whole thing is fishy and very likely a ploy to keep you hooked. I also agree that telling him to find other transportation to work would be healthy and in your best interest.
Take care. Wishing you lots of hope and strength.

hopeful4

I have a friend who went through Throat cancer. When it was suspected (not in the ER), the immediately referred him to have a biopsy, and it was done w/in just a couple of days. They sent it to Mayo Clinic and had results back in about a week and he was immediately then referred to another Oncologyst.

The ER is not going to diagnose throat cancer.

What you can do is tell him to go to the hospital records and get a copy of his diagnosis for you. If he goes and asks for his records they are required to hand them over.

JustAGirl1971

It never would have occurred to me that a spouse would fake a diagnosis as a form of manipulation. Shows how gullible I am!

I am so sorry, Timeforchange

Timeforachange1

I'm getting many good giggles off this lie! I should tell him I'm on my way to get him so we can go get copies of the medical records! Lol I'm guessing that would be a funny 6 hour trip!!! Gag.

allysen

Hopefully it's not true.

hopeful4

I just want to make it clear, I have no idea if it is true or not. I can only share my experience with you.

Timeforachange1

I have to say... I think it's a complete farce because when I called him to ask about work he was 100% fine and is working. He has no where to go because I have kicked him out so- my hypothesis is he's trying to lure me back in so he can come home Friday. His alternative options will be 1) remain in the hotel across the state and not see his son, 2) go to the mission 3) stay w the neighbors! I may not be so cynical if he didn't lie nonstop, and if I didn't know he was desperate. However, timing is everything and seeing how he won't reply to my text about when to expect the call from "the hospital" I'm guessing it's another scam.

My AH has drank since the age of 13. He is emotionally stuck there and absolutely has NPD characteristics. I guess I didn't become this cynical over night- he taught me well on how not to trust people that's for sure!

CarryOn

The hospital won't confirm the diagnosis for you unless he authorizes you to access his Protected Health Information (PHI). HIPAA makes it basically impossible to get any medical information about anyone other than yourself. He can request the records if he chooses.

Sounds fishy to me! I agree with the others - what are you supposed to do about his supposed throat cancer? Keep taking care of you, and listening to your gut...sounds like it's well-tuned!

atalose

Once you figure out what their bottom line is then its easy to maneuver around their BS.

Pulling at the old heart strings, manipulation is such a hurtful weapon.

Glad you didn't get sucked into it.

More will be revealed just give it time.

theuncertainty

Not gullible, one wouldn't think to suspect a SO of lying about a terminal/serious illness.

That being said, I can share personal experience: AXH told me that he had testicular cancer. He tried to use it as a take-me-back hook. He tried to use it to keep my focus on him rather than any one else, inlcuding DS (He had me drop him off for 'chemo' the day I took itty-bitty DS for a surgery). He tried to guilt me into taking him back. ('How could you leave some one with cancer?') He thought it would work: I'd lost 3 aunts (close family friends) to breast or pancreatic cancer, I remember how hard it was.

Glad you're still feeling pretty even keeled, Time.

Timeforachange1

His story changed GO FIGURE! Now it's more realistic because he's saying he needs to go for a follow-up. He chews but honestly this man is a hypochondriac so I'm going with a ploy to come home. At this point even if he is sick there is nothing I can do, and it doesn't change the past or how I feel. I feel heartless at times because now more than ever I am convinced to file for either a separation or divorce because honestly I do not want to pay any medical bills he accrues. IF he is sick it's because of his life choices NOT mine. I haven't been happy in years and this doesn't change that at all!

Seren

....and his story will probably continue to change. I do hope he is OK, but time will bring out the truth.

Wait and watch

Hawkeye13

Do what you need to do for yourself and remember there is zero need for you
to feel guilty or justify wanting to separate or divorce to yourself or him.

You have a right to be happy and take care of yourself.
His choices have put him where he is and there is no need for you to take
on the misery he has created / is creating for himself.

Your urge to escape this seems very healthy to me
Smells like recovery, perhaps?

Timeforachange1

I just received a phone call from my MIL who was trying to convince me on why I should do this or that. I clearly reminded her of the 3C's and kept redirecting this situation back to the rightful owner of this situation It felt good not to get worked up about it, and when I hung up it was nice to just let it go. I am not the only one he is trying to manipulate, he is clearly manipulating her as well.

I have been going to counseling lately, it's extremely hard for me because this is also my profession, and my therapist recommended me reading the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. This morning I have ordered the book and plan on reading it over spring break! I think when people start to break away from the mold, and no longer act in a manner the family expects, you begin to look like the outcast. Maybe this is the ah-ha moment I am not really sure. The only thing I am sure of is setting boundaries and finally taking the advice I provide to others feels good. I am calm and that is an amazing feeling.