lillamy

I asked myself that a lot in the fog I felt lost in after leaving AXH.

I decided to make this post because we have two members who just in the past couple of days left alcoholic relationships in a hurry after abusive behavior from their qualifiers. And that made me remember what I felt like when I did the same. I thought maybe it could be helpful. Please add any experiences you have, if you have any, of how you felt right after leaving. I know I felt crazy, and it would have helped me back then to know that others had felt the same.

I felt like my life was some horrid Lifetime movie with B-level actors. Surely, this couldn't be my life?

I also questioned my own experiences. I questioned whether what happened really had happened. Or whether I had exaggerated what happened. Or whether -- yes, really -- it had just been a bad dream.

Because it felt so unreal that I could have lived through what I just had. That I was asking body builder friends to walk on either side of me when I went to see my lawyer. That I had to go to building security at work and give them a picture of AXH and tell them to call the police if he showed up. That I had to park my car in a friend's garage and borrow her car so that AXH couldn't pick me out in the parking lot or outside the home we were hiding in.

I felt unreal but I felt determined. And relieved. And scared. And alone. I felt like I was turned inward. Like I wasn't really there. Like reality wasn't really happening.

When I started talking to people about what had happened, help came out of the woodwork. One friend took it upon herself to help me think and manage things. She pointed out to me that I should open a new bank account and make sure my paycheck went in there. She got me a PO box and helped me forward my mail. She pointed out to me that getting a legal separation ASAP protected my interests in case he drove drunk or vandalized property at my office or something. She went with me to the lawyer to take notes and ask the questions I was too shaken up to ask. She made sure I ate. Another friend in another time zone was available to talk me down when I couldn't sleep at night. A third friend recommended that I contact the local domestic violence shelter for information about how I could adapt my habits to minimize risk. My kids' friends' parents took them out to do fun stuff to take their minds off things. I felt like I was five years old some days, like people had to remind me to do the simplest things. And the simplest things felt so hard.

As a good codie, I had never asked for help. But what I found was that when I humbled myself and did, people were happy to help. One of my friends even said "when you're doing everything yourself, you are robbing your friends of the opportunity to be blessings to you."

I needed people to prop me up and remind me what the next thing was. To just keep putting one foot in front of the other. To refuse the thoughts of "what if?" and focus on "what is the next thing I need to do?" and then DO IT. Staying busy helped me feel like I was moving forward. Going to meetings helped me stay sane. As I told my story, over and over again, and found that people validated that AXH's behavior was frightening, and wrong, and abusive, I felt like I really did have the right to leave, to take my children out of that situation. My attorney, after AXH contacted him, told me "in 40 years of practice, I have never ever encountered such a complete and utter psychopathic personality" also helped me feel that maybe I wasn't the crazy one after all.

When I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't talk anymore, I watched old TV series that took me out of where I was at. My brain needed the distraction. There was no way I could just keep playing the same old thought loops in my head. Music was no relief to me -- too much emotion -- but the "right" kind of movies were. I must have Netflixed every Agatha Christie detective story they had. I watched every comedy Eddie Murphy ever made. I avoided drinking, I avoided the sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs that the doctor prescribed me. I felt fuzzy-brained enough that I didn't feel like I needed any drugs. I spent hours on my friend's treadmill, just running until I was exhausted.

And because I never, ever felt like eating (I don't think I was hungry for months) I treated myself to things I knew I normally liked. Even if I didn't feel it.

And the most important part? Leaning on my friends strengthened my relationships, and finding that I could do things, make decisions, on my own strengthened my confidence. And it really did get better. Not every day -- it was a two step forward, one step back process. Some days, I let the kids watch movies all day and just stayed in bed. I allowed myself to listen to what my body told me I needed. I had people checking up on me to make sure I didn't sink into depression and isolation. I asked people to check up on me and to not be put off if I was standoffish.

I really don't know if that helps anyone, but it helped me to type it out. It makes me realize that dangnabbit, I survived, and I thrived, with quite a bit of help from my friends. And if I can do it, anyone can.

EmmyG

Thank you for that. I have thought all of those thoughts. I always feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie. And I've had a really hard time accepting the reality of my situation. I grew up in a family that never fought. My parents have their issues like everyone else, but things were always PEACEFUL at my house. My parents were always stable. I wanted the same thing, so badly. I've been trying to force it to be that way, and it will never be that way. Not as long as I stay in that house with him. It's gotten to the point where we'll have a week of peace, and I'm so grateful. I'll get 2 days of not being screamed at, and I'm grateful. I'm so tired of this life. It is crazy what I have excused for him. I've put up with so much. But lately, the bad WELL outweighs the good. I used to see him as a nice guy with issues. I associated abuse with alcohol. Time and time again, people on this board said "The good and the bad come from the same guy. Abuse is abuse, with/without alcohol." I never wanted to see that - I researched angry drunks, alcohol-induced violence, trying to find an explanation for it. More and more, he's become that same guy when sober. Besides, he knows what alcohol does to him. And the fact that he's supposedly "not addicted" means he can choose when to drink it. He is reckless with his family's lives.

I don't have any friends, really. I have been so busy just trying to keep my head above water that I neglected that. The good friends I grew up with are gone, because they Lately, people have been trying to be my friend, and I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something. I have my family, though.

lillamy

I found that the people I counted as my friends weren't the ones who came to my help. Mostly, it was coworkers and other people who had themselves dealt with addiction in their families. Don't count out people who haven't been close.

And I'm glad you have your family. That will be a firm anchor for the kids, too. (((hugs)))

honeypig

I've found this to be true also--help comes from places where you never would have looked for it, and often from those who've walked in your shoes. There are so many more of us than you'd ever imagine.

I love what was said about how, when you handle everything yourself, you rob others of the chance to be a blessing to you. What a lovely way to think about it!

Seren

Thank you for sharing this, My! I think you will help more people than you realize.

izzyrose05

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

LoveMeNow

I, too, have found so much help but not from the people I thought would be there. I actually had a friend, whose husband was also an addict, tell me how I wasn't other people's responsibility. While I agree that I am not, it is sure nice to have some very kind, caring and loving people. Sadly, I would not count her as one of them.

JustAGirl1971

This was my experience, too. After our worst argument physically and verbally, my STBXAH actually did make some changes. He quit drinking for a year and really worked on his anger control. Once he started drinking again though, the backsliding began. By the end, the verbal abuse was actually the worst when he was sober and was more or less constant unless we were all doing what he wanted.

On the subject of friends, I didn't/don't have many close friends. It was mostly coworkers who've helped me the most. Some of the guys at work have taught me how to do things like change furnace filters, brake lights on cars, and locks on my doors. They've also helped me with minor car repairs to save money. The friends I've made at alanon have been the best at listening. You really do learn who you can count on when you go through a crisis.

My STBXAH's move was planned and amicable but I can still relate to the "is this my life" feeling. Especially during the quiet. From the time we agreed to split until he actually moved out, I would wake up nearly every night in a panic attack. I still do occasionally, but no where near as often as when he was still here. I can't imagine how much more difficult, traumatic, and scary it is when it ends suddenly and violently

Stung

I am pretty sure that I verbatim wrote "I can't believe that this is my life" on several of my first threads here. Now I think to myself on a weekly basis "his alcoholism really was a blessing in disguise" because I'm honestly in such a better place emotionally than I have ever been in probably my whole life. And I never would have gotten myself into therapy to work on MYSELF had he not spiraled so far out of control.

Although things feel surreal when they end, they DO get better. For me the change has been drastic and it's so very welcome now.

Mellybug

The person that has helped me the most was actually the LAST person I ever thought of turning to - a previous ex. He has helped me financially when I was stuck, he's helped me move, helped me fix things in my new place that needed immediate attention, and reminded me to take care of myself. Every time I expressed gratitude he told me that I put SO MUCH energy into HIM when we were together, and he took it for granted. Even though we both have moved on from romantic feelings from each other, he feels HONORED that I'd allow him to finally begin to repay me for all of those things I did for him in the 7 years we were together. The things he never even thought to thank me for at the time.

It has strengthened our friendship to the point where he's become my best friend again...but without the sticky trappings of romantic feelings. He expects nothing in return except for me to have coffee on when he comes over, and to fix him something to eat because he enjoys my cooking. If I don't feel like cooking, he's perfectly OK with that, too.

I have many "friends" who have said they'd be there at a moment's notice if I reach out - and each time I've reached out I've occasionally been able to get a hold of at least one of them...but not always. So, I've had disappointments in that area, but I know I can always count on my ex...He may have been a HORRIBLE boyfriend, but he has been a TERRIFIC friend.

hopeful4

Thank you so much. This post helped me so much, you have no idea.

lillamy

True. You're not. But if it's one thing you don't need to hear as a newly separated codie, it's that "you have to do everything yourself." Because that's already your state of mind, right? That you should be able to do everything yourself. And then you get overwhelmed and sit in a corner and chew on your sleeves and get nothing done. At least that's what I felt like!

I can still get like that -- easily overwhelmed, easily stressed by normal everyday life issues. Like being late with the electrical bill -- that can keep me awake at night.

FireSprite

My experience is the same & it's the strangest thing to have gratitude for, but I really do. I count this "discovery" as one of my blessings.

This is such a powerful post Amy, I had to come back & read it again today. If I could "thank/like" it more than once, I would!

Wisconsin

Wow! Thank you so, so much for sharing this!

I, too, have spent many nights thinking "my life has turned into a darn Tori Spelling Lifetime movie!"

In so many ways, we see ourselves in others' experiences here. It's that weird sense of community that gave me support, hope and comfort in the early days. Loving an alcoholic is so isolating, and when abuse is also involved...I isolated myself even more. Knowing that I can come here and read about where everyone is at in their respective recoveries has been a huge factor in my own recovery.

Thumper

I felt like that before I left. The leaving was incredibly difficult but in a different way. There was a sense of moving towards something better. Now I feel the same way again. There is nothing wrong with my life. I've removed all the soul killing things. I don't know how I can feel like I have soooo much, and at the same time feel like 'Is this my life?" I'm so tired . I don't see where to go or know how to catch up - how to start moving again.

lillamy

(((Thumper)))

A good friend of mine said after her divorce, the only things she could manage to do was work and sleep. For the first nine months. I think sometimes we underestimate the toll emotional stress takes on us. I know I do (see other post about minimizing how much pain we really feel).

It was a relief to me to hear that being tired all the time and not really feeling up to anything is a normal response to recovering from stressful situations. There will be moments of joy again. After we've rested.

Thumper

Well I've been divorced for over four years - sounds like extra long hibernation, lol.

Thank you for your kind words btw. This board is always so supportive and good for me. Even when I do way more reading than posting.

TonightTonight

Wow.