What to tell my boys.
 

I'm sorry if I'm over-posting but this forum is really my safe place right now.

I'm packing up everything I'll need and the kids and I are going to stay w/my parents until I find a place. My kindergartner finishes up his school year in June. That gives me three months to solidify plans (I'll find out whether I got new job, which would mean me getting a place around here or not). I know it will be an adjustment for them, and it will feel sudden. They are 2 and 6, so I don't want to give too much information. Should I tell my 6-year-old that daddy is sick?

Also, I know in a week or two, AH is going to sober up and act like a normal human being again. He'll want to see the kids. When he's not drinking, you wouldn't guess he had a problem. I don't want the kids to NEVER see him, but there is no way in hell they're seeing him anytime soon. I am thinking of going N/C for at least a month while I get my head together. Any advice for the transition?

You are lucky that the boys are so young. I wish I had tips for what to say to your 6-year old, although I am sure many here will have great suggestions.

From a legal standpoint, just be aware that it might be difficult for you to unilaterally decide he cannot see his children. Legally speaking, parents who are married to each other without some sort of custody order/agreement in place have equal rights to the children. If he wants to make a stink about seeing the boys, absent some sort of protective order, or temporary visitation order from the judge, he will have the ability to make a big, big stink. And trying to withhold visitation absent a court order can look bad in later court proceedings for divorce/child custody. If you haven't spoken to an attorney yet (they will often consult with you for an hour for free), you might want to do so. Hopefully your AH will just keep his distance for everyone's well-being (and in light of his recent health issues), and give everyone time to settle down after all of the awful-ness.

I would start at the other end. Consult a lawyer. I'm not one, but I know that most states allow you a legal separation, which means you can set up temporary custody/visitation arrangements. This also has the advantage of making you not responsible for any debt your husband runs up or any damage he does to rental property during the time you're separated.

My state had a specific "separation agreement" that would allow you to separate for a year, and then decide -- either to get back together or, if you chose to divorce, the separation agreement would become your divorce agreement. But I know states differ on this.

I believe in being honest with the kids. I told mine about alcoholism, and that their father could get help but that he would have to choose to get help. And that as long as he didn't, we needed to make sure they were safe when they were with him.

Emmy--I just posted on your other thread about making a police report and having a consultation with a lawyer. Wisconsin makes very good points, in my opinion.

If his mother has flown a long way to be here--can't you imagine that she will want to see her grandchildren?

I know you are still angry and running on adrenalin a lot, right now---a good thing.
The hard time--when you might begin to soften--is when he turns into "nice guy" or decides to begin to harass you.

dandylion

No such thing as too much posting in this forum, ;).

I also believe in truth as much as possible in an age-appropriate way. At 6, yes, DD knew that Dad was "sick" because of alcohol & that it was not the same kind of "sick" that she understood. That is wasn't something she could catch or that he could just take medication for but that kept him from being healthy just the same & affected the way he sometimes made decisions. She was the one who filled in the blanks - "you mean like the way Dad gets pulled over by the cops for speeding all the time or is really late picking me up or cancels plans?" Once I started asking her about the things she thought, I really didn't have to do a lot of talking.... she had noticed the moods, the yelling, the everything. So much more than I had anticipated.

Definitely worth consulting an attorney for legal advice & filing a police report if you haven't already.

An Order of Protection would help you with keeping him away from the kids FOR NOW. Without reporting this incident to the police its going to be a he said she said. I doubt you will be able to enforce keeping him away from his kids without it.

I'm sorry, Emmy. I don't have any advice on what to say as my kids are all older. I would agree with the others that you may not be able to keep the children away from your husband for a month. If your mother-in-law is staying with him and you trust her, maybe she could supervise visits with the children? That way, you can minimize your contact with him?

I also absolutely agree with the advice to see a lawyer and consider filing a police report. Like redatlanta says, that may enable you to enforce no contact with the kids now (or at least make a case for supervised visits.)

Yes, it's actually perfect timing. My mother-in-law is very supportive of me. It will help having her around for the transition (moving my stuff out, etc.). I trust her with the kids 100%. I just asked the attorney I work with for a referral to a good family law attorney around here.

Yes--that's how it is in my state too I think.

You must file the report or you have no "offical" proof that the children are unsafe with him when custody comes along later.

I don't think that people are automatically arrested either, but that's what the lawyer could tell you. I understand not wanting to involve the police, but if future custody may depend on establishing his potential for violence when drinking I wouldn't hesitate to do so*.

You are doing amazingly well, by the way, Emmy.

(*I'm not at all trying to tell you what to do but my father was violent with my mother and because she didn't file a report there was nothing to be done come divorce time).

I think he's really losing his mind. My mother called me earlier, crying. She said he texted her last night, a bunch of sexually inappropriate things!??! Very out of character, even for him. I called earlier to confirm what time his mother's flight arrived, and he was completely drunk, could barely string a sentence together. I mentioned that my mother told me he'd been texting her, and he said "That means you're gonna leave me, right?" I said yes, and he said that's why he did it. He's not there mentally, it's sad to see, but I am not his babysitter anymore.

Save those messages, that is good for your documentation!!!!!

(And, ick! Your poor mother!!)

I know, it really grossed me out. I didn't ask for details. I think my mom was just relieved to hear me say I'm leaving.

You are so doing the right thing by leaving. If you ever doubt it, just remember this. Ick.

Emmy---of course he is out of his mind---drunkenness does that!!!!!!

What about the police report?

dandylion

The texts to your mother will help your case if you're reporting him and trying to get a protective order. They will show that he is in no shape to be around the children, and you telling the police about him trying to strangle you will help show that he should not be around you.

I know it's terribly difficult to make that call to the police, but they will be understanding and they will help you.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you and your boys. Really good advise about police and lawyer. As to what to say - I would suggest consulting a child psychologist. For you to talk to. IMHO a professional could be very helpful in finding the best language to use. Prayers for peace.

EmmyG---on your question on what to tell the boys---remembering my own children--one tip that I would give is to ask the kids what they would like to know. This will give your first clue as to where to start--and, address their real concerns---rather than what we assume they want to know.

For the 2yr. old--I would put out a couple of pictures of his dad--where he can see them during the day. That way he would know that he didn't just evaporate.

dandylion

When I separated with a 3 & 6 year old I explained to the children that Mummy & Daddy were having problems being together & that we needed to be apart for now.
The children & I moved houses, I found work & childcare etc.
I am pleased to report that they are now thriving 13 & 10 yr olds.
You can do this.
It is difficult in the beginning & it is difficult being a solo parent but it can be done & the kids can continue to have a healthy life.
It is much better for them to be with you, the responsible parent & have a healthy life than to grow up watching the unreliable alcoholic parent.
Hugs.

I have no experience I can share, Emmy. Just sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your boys!

This. Many good wishes and prayers going your way. There is no way to post too often here. (((hugs)))