sickpuppy33

I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 4 years. Until 3 months ago, we did an okay job of curbing the drinking. There'd be rough weeks..weekends..bad fights here and there, but we held in there. Then he got a DUI. Since then, things have taken a turn for the worst. He barely touches me, holds me, anything. Everything I do angers him. In general, his behavior is out of control. He leaves for 2-3 days at a time and shuts his phone off. I typically have an idea of where he is at and who he is with because I know him so well..I'll go find him on the second or third day...usually bringing his dog with me to coax him home. He'll come home, eat as though he hasn't eaten in weeks, and will sleep as much as he can for 2-3 days. All throughout he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me...Then the process typically starts over. He makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. Is this normal? I'm a teacher and I'm finding it harder and harder to cope. I didn't know what else to try..I found sober recovery through googling about his behavior.

PioneertoNow

"Until 3 months ago, we did an okay job of curbing the drinking"


Do you mean you both were drinking?

sickpuppy33

Just his...I'm not much of a drinker. We did an okay job of working together to control his drinking.

LoveMeNow

Is it possible that he is smoking crack or meth too?

PioneertoNow

Sounds like his drinking behavior is becoming a problem for you. I do not think many married women would put up with behavior like that.

sickpuppy33

No definitely not. Thankfully, he is only a drinker..but a bad one at that. He'll do whatever he can to wind up in situations where those around him are drinking. He clings onto those who give him an opportunity to drink and resents me because I pull him away from the drinking. I found bottles hidden everywhere around our old house..now we are in a studio so he can't stay up later than me to drink. He leaves much more often than in our old house.

sickpuppy33

We aren't married..he's asked me to marry him 2 times now, but I obviously can't until he works through his issues. I love him and he's an amazing person and partner when he's sober, but His drinking controls him so intensely

Bernadette777

Hi sick puppy 33 ,

I found SR the same way. Best wishes to you.

marie1960

Actions not words.

While he may tell you he LOVES you, his actions are saying quite the opposite.

People in committed relationships do NOT just vanish for 2-3 days.

You have to coax him home?

I am sorry that you are hurting, BUT he is showing you who is really is, and only you can decide what an acceptable standard of life is.

if this is as good as it ever gets, would you want to stay involved with him?

YOU are worthy of so much more, why are you settling for an unavailable partner?

I can only suggest, educate yourself about this awful disease, it is the only thing you can currently do, best to have all the facts, you are in a bad, bad situation, and it's obvious, he is spiraling, and sorry to say it will get worse.

hope you take some time and read around this site, lots of valuable information right here.

take care of you, my friend.

* Curbing of drinking? IMHO, that NEVER works, NEVER..... Working together to curb drinking? that will NEVER work either, see if you are an alcoholic, seeking recovery, YOU can NEVER drink again, period.

sickpuppy33

How do I know when to let go? I want to be patient and help him to work through this..but I'm miserable

CodeJob

Get a copy of Codependent No More by Beattie. Next time he takes off, read that book. If you want to round him up around day 3, read the book again.

marie1960

You have been with him for 4 years now, what has changed?

YOU cannot help him, we simply are not that powerful, this is his addiction and only HE can address it.

You were not put on this earth to be a doormat.

MY personal feeling, RUN, RUN, RUN, and never look back.

sickpuppy33

Are the things that he does..specifically the taking off..typical of alcoholics? Since things have gotten worse I know I've been nagging more and more which drives him away but I don't know what else to do.

LoveMeNow

Its time to work on you! Alanon, therapy and Codependent No more were great starts for me.

The 3 C's of Alanon

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

marie1960

the XA in my life would black out, and pass out.

i do not have any real experience with drugs, but perhaps he is abusing something besides alcohol?

The vanishing for 2-3 days at a time, is a major red flag.

CarryOn

Welcome, sickpuppy, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.

This is not normal behavior. It may be "normal" for an A, but a lot of A behavior is not normal. A friend and I were discussing her XA, and she was amazed at how his absolutely bizarre behavior had become perfectly normal to him. I think this happens for a lot of A's and their loved ones - abnormal behavior gradually becomes the norm.

So, now it is affecting you. This is why it is a family disease. I second Marie's recommendation for educating yourself about the disease and highly recommend going to AlAnon. AlAnon can give you face to face support and tools for living with an A. One of the first things I learned here was the Three C's - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. Learning that really helped me start to understand that RAH's disease was not my problem.

I hope you keep reading & posting here; there is a lot of support available. Please start turning your focus on yourself and let ABF take care of himself. Hugs, sickpuppy.

sickpuppy33

I just did some research on codependency..eye opening. 2 hours ago I came to this site to try to get some help in better understanding his behavior..but now I realize I need to work on controlling my behavior first.

LoveMeNow

Yes, but for YOU, not him.

gabriel01

^^^^ really. Do your self a little favor. Get this book. Your eyes will even open wider. I was in your exact situation before. I thought I know what I was doing and "helping", turned out I knew nothing and my "help" was actually hurting him.

AnvilheadII

I want to be patient and help him to work through this

sounds like you are the only one that thinks there's anything to WORK THROUGH! his actions say that he is all about drinking....your house is now just a crash pad, just cheaper than a motel 6. taking off for days at a time?? and then you go hunt him down and bring the DOG to try and get him to come home?

what kind of a life is that? for you? trying to control somebody else? no wonder you're miserable.